My problem is that I'm stuck between protecting myself from her hurtful behaviors (I believe the affair is still going on as of last weekend) and "putting on a happy face" to help win her back.
No you can and must do both. What helped me was the Stockdale Paradox. You must hold two parallel action plans in place - reconcile or divorce. Either way you thrive, takes a while to get there.
So how to protect yourself from hurtful behaviors - boundaries.
I feel ___________. When you do__________. I will do _________ when you do ______________. If you continue to do ______________ I will _______________.
her bad behavior = consequences = her choice
"I feel disrespected when you spend time with another man. I will not share you with another man. I have decided that if you do not cut off all contact then I will pack your bags and put them in the garage. If you continue to spend time with another man I will go see a lawyer to expedite a divorce."
Quote:
and she said she baited me by sending fake texts so she could see if I had been spying on her.
that made me spit my coffee out laughing!
You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
If she has nothing to hide, then she shouldn't need to worry about being spied on. The dishonest mind games indicate a total lack of respect for her marriage and her partner in that marriage. It might be useful for you to reflect on how you arrived at this point.
Puppy Dog Tails is about as good as it gets in terms of how to fight for a marriage through infidelity while maintaining your self respect. His approach is measured, methodical and effective--if you have the testicular fortitude to see it through.
I hope you have seen an attorney to be educated on your rights and responsibilities. If your wife has been cheating and manipulating, you should be prepared. Hope for the best and plan for the worst.
Of course I'm mad about my wife having a nooner with her boss, but I'm not simply going to move out, esp. when I wasn't the one that screwed up.
I appreciate your suggestion on the conversation. It feels like it would be accusatory to address things in a "I know you're lying to my face" fashion, which would fit into the whole "pursuit" pattern, correct? Therein lies my problem. Half of me feels like an idiot since I feel like I'm making this easy on her by disengaging, and half of me wants to blow the conversation out of the water and tell her what I'm really thinking, call work and "out" the relationship, etc.
Thanks coach, I replied before I saw your post. How can I hold firm boundaries ("if you do this, I'll pack your bags") when I don't even have proof of the affair? She'll simply deny and get even more secretive, I think. So it feels like chasing.
Of course I'm mad about my wife having a nooner with her boss, but I'm not simply going to move out, esp. when I wasn't the one that screwed up.
I never suggested you move out. I'm suggesting you should have adjusted your deameanor towards her since she confessed that, and you damned sure should have adjusted your strategy.
Quote:
I appreciate your suggestion on the conversation. It feels like it would be accusatory to address things in a "I know you're lying to my face" fashion, which would fit into the whole "pursuit" pattern, correct? Therein lies my problem. Half of me feels like an idiot since I feel like I'm making this easy on her by disengaging, and half of me wants to blow the conversation out of the water and tell her what I'm really thinking, call work and "out" the relationship, etc.
"Accusatory" is a matter of TONE, not of CONTENT. State your boundaries calmly, structuring the way Coach has suggested above. Your demeanor should be one of calm, quiet strength, and your position should be one of "Look, I completely understand if you don't want to do this. I'm just telling you what I am willing to abide in my own marriage, and in my own home. Consider the boundary communicated."
"I will not stand here and be lied straight to my face" is a boundary of personal integrity. It has nothing whatsoever to do with "pursuit."
How can I hold firm boundaries ("if you do this, I'll pack your bags") when I don't even have proof of the affair? She'll simply deny and get even more secretive, I think. So it feels like chasing.
OK, now I'm totally lost and confused.
In your very first post, you said:
Originally Posted By: Norseman05
Found out wife was having an affair with one of her "bosses" at her work. She had initially admitted to it being "an emotional" affair, but one of our neighbors told me the truth. My wife admitted to going to a hotel at noonday in July with this guy.
Found out wife was having an affair with one of her "bosses" at her work. She had initially admitted to it being "an emotional" affair,[/quote]
That's an affair. Your wife spends her energy, time, love and thoughts with another man. Do you need more proof? The bogus txts really?????
[quote]She'll simply deny and get even more secretive,
Why deny and be more secretive if you are above board? It's called transparency.
"Since you have admitted to a an affair then I will require a transparency plan to protect myself and our family. I will have total access to your phone and e-mail."
This OM is a predator, he's dishonoring your wife and family.
Boundaries are all about behavior.
Pursuing and chasing would be you dropping by work, sending flowers, kissing her butt, and bargaining with her.
Your wife actually wants you to fight for her. She wants you to stand up for her. She wants her husband to be strong and confident. She needs you to stand up to her.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
