Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

Journaling:

I found out D3 isnt going to be comeing back tonight because of the weather.

At first I was ok with it...and I'm still ok with her staying over there to keep her safe...but I'm sitting in an empty house with no one to talk to and I'm snowed in too.

It feels like a prison...like I'm in solitary confinement.

And of course the first thing that came to mind was how they're all over there trapped together having a fun family time while I'm here with no one.

And then the thoughts came that if none of this had happened D3, my ex, and I would be here and we would be having that family time.

I tried stopping those thoughts...they just came while I was reading one of the books...but it didnt work and I ended up breaking down. And I still feel depressed and lonely.

I havent spoken to my ex in two days and I want to message or call her so bad...to see how she is and to hear her voice...in the hopes that if we talk maybe I wont feel so lonely.

Again...it just feels like solitary confinement...and its very damaging/straining on my psyche.


For anyone who's still reading...do I really have anything left to lose by sending her a simple message of "Hi" and waiting to see if she responds?

Or will going almost 3 days(by tomorrow) without talking to her go a long way in making me stronger and helping me to ward off the co-dependency? Better yet...is it likely to create any sort of positive vibe in my sitch?

Now listen, this is when you have to "fight" your own mental attitude b/c it leads you into wrong thinking.



You don't know that! They may be arguing or bored out of their skulls, but so what? Your life should not be centered around them! Stop wrong thinking. Don't you have a friend or relative to talk to? Surely D3 and SO are not the only people on planet earth you know.



You are having a pity party. Don't you know that people suffer from broken R's but they have to push forward and make the most of things? You have to be determined to do that and emotions be d----!



DON'T YOU DARE!!!



It will be one more day that you can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud that you acted like a man instead of a wu$$. It will be one more day that will give you more strength and one more day that builds your self-respect. Taking a day at a time is what you have to do, but if you break down and call her....then you are starting back at square one again. You don't want to do that simply b/c you are feeling lonely.

When the snows clears.....you have got to get out of that house and find a life! This is crazy! No wonder you are so dependent on her. Find a hobby, sport, friends, go to the mall, do something for crying out loud.

I didnt/wont. Instead of a text, I was going to send an email...even had some funny dentist jokes in it that I thought would make her feel better.

But I wont send that either.

But I do realize that I am too dependent on her...mainly because when she left she took everything but D3 that pretty much held me together...my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my family...and without those I have become a mess.

I've read that its unhealthy to let someone have that much power over ones life and its certainly true here.

I can call family and talk...though really only my parents and given how far away they live it really worries/stresses them out when I call and am upset and theres nothing they can do...so I feel guilty calling them all the time.

I think the next book I'll read is the one on self-confidence/self esteem. Maybe if I can get that up a little I will be able to make some friends around here.

I think I said before though...I have so much trouble trusting people because I'm always afraid they'll hurt me...and what happened with my ex, after 7.5 years, doesnt help dispel that. It takes me a really long time to make a friend but when I do it's because I consider them to be golden.

nsw1222, I would listen to the advice of Sandi and others. They are all trying to help you. What they are telling you WORKS!!! Their advice will help YOU! I know it's difficult but you must become a stronger person for yourself, if not you will drive yourself crazy. I think most people that read your posts see what you're doing as pursuing. It's a turn off.

I read your posts and some are difficult to read because you continue to bring up the same things...the same wrong things. You are struggling not to contact your W after only a few days. Other than "necessary" discussions with your W about your D3, you need to stop contacting her. Give her some space. You are pushing her further away...and you know it, so stop! I agree with others that if you want any chance of saving your marriage, you need to GAL and leave your W alone for now. Remember, leave her alone for NOW. Doesn't mean you don't try in time but right now is not the time. Your constant pursuing is unattractive to your W, again you know this as it has been said to you numerous times by people on this board.

Look, it's hard I know. I live where the snow is heavy today and I would have loved to be stuck in my house with my W and spend the time together but that's not the case...this time. Who knows if next winter I might be stuck in my house during a snow storm and be WITH my W again. Same goes for you. You have a chance to be with her again if you let her go for now and GAL. The others on this board are becoming frustrated with you because you continue to be stuck without having left the gate yet. Try with everything that is in you to at least take some baby steps for you. You mentioned not wanting to call your parents. I think you should call them. They will be there to support you and you need it right now as we all do...that's why we come to this board. Family will help see you through.

Please take my comments and others advice as help and not criticism. Everyone on this board wants the best for everyone and try to help each other. My advice is not nearly as good as the veterans so I will leave that to them but I will offer you support. Don't do ANYTHING that is pursuing...have self control. If you want to talk to someone tonight then talk to all of us on this board. I'll check in from time to time tonight and talk. How about talking about something other than your sitch...it could be your baby step for today. Sorry for the long post. I try to keep up with your sitch and I hope you can begin to help yourself.

Best,
mza8

So I was reading back through my thread and the advice given. I know it only started a few weeeks ago but the codependency issue was one of the very first things brought up.

Is there one book on co-dependency that is considered better than the rest?

How about when the snow stops falling, you grab your shovel and help some elderly and/or women neighbors clear their walks.

There's nothing like doing something to help someone else to get your mind off your own problems.

I think that Codependent No More is the best/most popular. There's a follow-up book called Beyond Codependency written by the same woman that is recommended as well.

Good luck...be strong. We understand what you're feeling. You're not alone.

Oh, so true!! And a great relief for depression. The physical exercise and doing it for another person has so many benefits.

If you live in a neighborhood where there is any elderly or physcially challenged folks, you could really make it your "ministry" to offer your help to them. Going to the pharmacy, store, library, taking somebody to the doctor, etc. When we look around us, we usually can see somebody in need of help.

You have too much empty time on your hands. I think this would be a wonderful idea for you.

Journaling:

I really wish I could figure out what triggers my negative thoughts so that I could avoide them and stop thinking about what I cant control/change. These cycles of anger and sadness are for the birds.

They're so intense...like a fight or flight response...and they seem to be more focused on the adulterers than myself. Of course up until I found out about the EA I was heavy into self-blame. I still know I played a part in all this...but it wasnt all my fault.

I got to say goodnite to D3...but only because of my ex's dad's g/f calling. I havent contacted my ex and she hasnt contacted me.

Now that I think about it...that was one of the last things I was thinking about before the most recent anger/sadness cycle began. So I guess what may have set me off was not hearing from her...over someone else....cause you know he's been in contact with her.

She wants us to get along and be friends...but it seems a little one sided. I think her condition of friends is a lot like her condition of "mom": "when its convenient for me".

She makes it really hard to love her sometimes.

A question just occurred to me:

The advice of "work on you for you" is given to many here while they're going through all this.

I was trying to figure out why some, including myself, cant seem to grasp or follow through on this. Then it occurred to me:

To work on onesself, one first has to own up to things that need working on. That in and of itself is a hard pill to swallow when one is feeling so emotional and betrayed by someone leaving. Mainly because the initial reaction is if they left, there must be something wrong with them, not the one who was left.

To do this for onesself, one has to admit to things that they dont like about themselves. If one is more or less content with him/herself, one is likely not to be interested in changing anything for themselves, but for the purpose of attracting their spouse back...because their spouse is the one who didnt like something about them.

Another possibility is that people in such a state as they are when they come here, feeling the way they do about their spouse, arent interested in putting forth a lot of effort into something if it isnt likely to bring their spouse back to them. The attitude is why should I work on X and make myself a better person if I'm not going to be a better person with my spouse.


I fear that this third possibility is where I may have gone wrong. I could(am) work(working) on myself...and end up winning a Nobel peace prize...but if I dont have my ex to share it with it doesnt seem worth it.

After saying that, I'm convinced that that is my problem. My ex was a huge...huge...motivator in my life. She was my reason for getting out of bed in the morning...and I'm starting to believe she was my reason for taking care of D3 and the house as well as I did.

So it would stand to reason that doing anything now, as before, I am motivated by her and de-motivated by the lack of her.

I'm guessing that this is the co-dependency that keeps coming up.

So what that says to me is...if I can tackle the codependency first, then maybe I can start working on me for me without regards to my ex.