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Yeah. It fits with the WAS mentality I believe (I could be wrong - I haven't, and don't plan to, read that book). For the WAS, D is a good thing b/c it will be painless, will solve all problems and won't really affect the kids b/c we are going to be best friends (I thought we already were).

Sorry, but I don't see it working that way.

Journaling...
Good weekend. Caught up on a bunch of stuff, though laundryland still looks like a hand grenade went off in a hamper. Went on long hike with new hiking club today. Thirty-eight showed up! Like hiking parade. Good, fun group. And serious about hiking. Today, just 4 1/2 hrs., though. A mere stretch o' the legs.

My wife is still in Chicago visiting Daughter &1/2 (5 mos. pregnant with a girl). No contact between my wife and I in 5 days.

Just thought of an excellent book I read once, Haven't seen it mentioned on this board, yet. How To Survive The Loss of a Love, by Somebody Cosgrove (and others). Good, light, healing read. Must dig it out and revisit.
Anyway, I thought of it while typing the "no contact with my wife" line. As I typed that, a passage from that buck sprung to mind: short 'poem' listing things one misses about one's love, ending with "after a while, I will miss missing you" or was it, "after a while, I will miss missing loving you." Something like that.

I thought detachment would feel final and empty. So far it feels like nether.

Courage to all you good DBers.

Called my wife who's visiting midwest daughter today. Had to tell her about final document she had to fax for refi closing Thursday. She sounded very happy, I gave her the info/fax number and said "kiss daughter and belly (pregnant) for me and have a good time," and got off. 35 seconds. I didn't want to talk. Nothing to talk about.

Still think her giving me her apt. key for first time in 8 months and asking me to water/feed our cat daily was a positive. As was her sudden reasoning that S & DIL, who usually do cat duty, are "busy/not available/not as good," etc. I walk, feed, water, kitty litter and play with cat (my buddy). Go in no other room (boundaries), look at nothing, snoop not at all (I believer there is NO OM).

I'm expecting something when she gets back what with 5 day break, time with beloved daughter, time (and 30 hrs driving) with her sister (whom I adore and vice versa).

One thing I do expect is my wife bringing up subject mediator again either when she gets back or next week (when the agreed upon one-month delay is up).
I plan on telling her:

Yes, I've given it some thought. Recall how I would always tell the kids growing up that they are the only ones that get to live John Doe Gardener's life and even they get only one shot at it? Well I acknowledge that you are the only person who gets to be Jane Doe Maiden-Name. I care about you and I will not stand in your way.

But I have decided that I will not go to a mediator. I'm sure you can acknowledge that I think this divorce is wrong. So while I have decided I will not stand in your way, I've also decided that I will not do anything to facilitate something I feel is so very wrong. Do what's in your heart. I won't resist, but you should know that I won't assist you, either.

Thoughts, gang. I gotta have this script finalized and at the ready.
Thanks.

Sounds pretty good to me.

Thanks, Gima.

Anyone else? Sandi, Puppy, Phoenix, Gucci, et al?

Over on cville2091, Antlers mentioned the philosophy of being responsible for one's own happiness. Cville responded, I responded to cville.

I decided to drag my response over to my own thread to make sure I see it, re-read it and own it.

Hey Gardener..

How does your garden grow now that we're having beautiful weather?

I followed the "I'm sure you can acknowledge that I think this divorce is wrong. So while I have decided I will not stand in your way, I've also decided that I will not do anything to facilitate something I feel is so very wrong. Do what's in your heart. I won't resist, but you should know that I won't assist you, either. but my spouse was already secretly living with his now wife.. so there was definitely another person in the picture.

Any interactions with your wife should fall under the "no expectations, no intentions" rule. She asked you to watch the cat. You like taking care of your old buddy. Win/win.

Was your first divorce in CT? My laissez faire approach worked against me. By not emotionally ready for a divorce I ended up on the defensive at every step. My only suggestion is to know your legal rights before you make that statement. If you're in the Fairfield County area I can give you the name of a few attorneys. As you know mediators are the most cost effective and usually the least emotionally draining, followed by collaborative lawyers, followed by.. on and on until you hit a trial.

*hugs*

Gypsy,Wonderfully! Many weeds though (it's not my priority at the moment)

You followed it, but am I correct in inferring that you don'y necessarily agree? Or, rather, don't agree with the part of the script that preceded it? Would you clarify, Gypsy?

That's what I'm doin'.

Yes, in CT. My current wife and I had same D Lawyer; she thought we were the same in every way and introduced us after our collective dust settled. How's that? My understanding is that in Ct a "mediator" really represents the party that contacted/contracted and other party needs a lawyer, anyway. My gut says say no to mediator because she'll make appointment and I'll have to agree to meet her there and I think that's making it too easy. I believe that if she wants this D (without ever even telling me why:all she's ever done , in MC and out, is list a number of wearing, annoying behaviors of mine in the past), she should be the one to pursue it.
Perhaps I'll drop the won't-go-to-mediator part of script for now. I don't know. I don't want to make this easy, simple, or quick for my wife.

Thank you, Gypsy.

p.s. Gypsy,I am in fairfield and yes, that would be helpful, but how would you communicate it to me?
*Hugs* back atcha.

If you see yourself dropping the rope when you tell her this decision, then I think it is the right move. If you are hoping it will change her mind about seeking out the mediation, then I don't think it will work.

Do you think you are at that place you can truly drop the rope and move on without her?

You sound good. BTW, I like your style of writing. You have given me a smile or two (in spite of a frown now & then...lol)in your posts. I hope you won't lose your humor down through life. It's a gift.