I'd like some input as to what to do about the apartment.
The apartment is now yours. Set it up the way you want it. It is very important to project that you are moving on without him. It is counter-intuitive, but I know what I am talking about. People want what they can't have. He will come back after you ONLY AFTER YOU HAVE MOVED ON. I have at least 3 women pursuing me right now. The only reason they are pursuing is because I AM NOT. I am nice, friendly, flirting, and at the same time mysterious. It is human nature.
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As H has taken some but not all of his stuff out of the apartment:
I would send him this text:
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H, I have decided that I do not want your things in my house if you are not living here. I want them out by the end of next weekend. If you do not remove them, I will take care of it.
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There are now "holes" everywhere where his stuff used to be.
Fill up those holes. Move everything around the way YOU like it. Do this ASAP. Cry while you do it if you need to.
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I'm afraid of sending the message that I'm assuming he's not coming back.
Read these words very slowly:
DO NOT LET FEAR CONTROL YOU.
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I'm assuming DBing would mean acting as if I don't expect him to come back? To re-arrange things to suit me?
YES. You want to project to H that you are fine with whatever he chooses. He is going to have to work to get you back. You will work on the M from two houses for a time.
I want your M to work. The things that will make it work ARE NOT LOGICAL. That is why I am strongly suggesting that you follow my words of advise.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The apartment is now yours. Set it up the way you want it.
I think I will start babystepping towards that.
Originally Posted By: Ready2Change
People want what they can't have. He will come back after you ONLY AFTER YOU HAVE MOVED ON.
I've figured out why I have trouble deeply accepting the above. I guess it's because I can't imagine my H pursuing me again. I feel like the R is all on my shoulders because it has been for so long. And I guess I have to let go of that. Let go of even working on it in my head and preoccupations.
Originally Posted By: Ready2Change
DO NOT LET FEAR CONTROL YOU.
OK, I need to hear that.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I know that you weren't at work today. I called you there so that the children could talk to you.
It doesn't really matter to me why you weren't at work. It does matter that yesterday you told the children and me that you were going to work today, and when you talked to the children today you let them think that you were at work.
Tell them the truth. Tell me the truth. No one benefits from deception, least of all you. You can have privacy without being dishonest.
The reason that I want to send the email is because I'm worried that if I don't call him on things like this, it will get worse. I've got 15 years of coparenting dependent children ahead of me and even if we D, I think I deserve the basics here. Honesty is a biggie for me.
Last edited by flowmom; 02/07/1004:31 AM. Reason: added to
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I know that you weren't at work today. I called you there so that the children could talk to you.
It doesn't really matter to me why you weren't at work. It does matter that yesterday you told the children and me that you were going to work today, and when you talked to the children today you let them think that you were at work.
Tell them the truth. Tell me the truth. No one benefits from deception, least of all you. You can have privacy without being dishonest.
IMO this email is too wordy. You should use the staples of setting a boundary.
When you lie about your whereabouts to myself and the children I feel disrespected.
When you ____. I feel ____. If you ____. Then I will ____.
Your H doesn't need to know the why's our how's of how you caught on to his little story.
(((Flow)))
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
When you lie about your whereabouts to the children and me, I feel disrespected. If you choose to lie to the children in the future, do not expect that I will participate in dishonesty by "covering" for you.
Last edited by flowmom; 02/07/1007:29 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I talked about the email with my sister, and she warned me against sounding formal or dramatic, as this has been a trigger for H in the past, and realistically he will not hear me if my language is triggering for him. This is what we came up with:
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There may have been a good reason for your change of plans, but I called you at work yesterday and you weren't there. Misleading us put me in a position of "covering" for you with the children. I am not willing to keep doing that. We can do this without dishonesty.
I'd love your input. Keep in mind 1. I don't want to make a huge stink about this 2. I do want to set a boundary and 3. I want to elicit his cooperation as a coparent.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
[quote]There may have been a good reason for your change of plans, but I called you at work yesterday and you weren't there. Misleading us put me in a position of "covering" for you with the children. I am not willing to keep doing that. We can do this without dishonesty.
I think that may be a little more effective. Just my $.002.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Thanks Ruined, I can see how those sentences may seem superfluous. I hope you don't mind if I explain the rationale? The first sentence was in there to acknowledge that he may not have set out to be dishonest initially. And the last sentence was there to remind him of what we're trying to do here, which is to be the best coparents that we can be. My sister felt that both of those sentences would soften what I was writing.
In both of my DBing coaching sessions, Dotty has advised very soft communication with H, avoiding "harsh startup" and acting friendly. Dotty believes that he has an unusually reactive temperament and that it's counterproductive to come on strong with him. She has advised making my wishes known in pretty roundabout ways.
I'm a bit confused because her advice about communication in my sitch appears to be in direct contradiction to advice that I'm getting in my thread and seeing in other people's threads. What am I missing here? I guess Dotty has had the benefit of being able to hear my spoken communication style, which is quite direct and perhaps lacking in tact/sensitivity. Perhaps she believes that being softer, more diplomatic is a 180 for me?
I know it may seem like I'm making a huge deal about writing this email. But this is an opportunity for me to really be intentional about how I communicate with H.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
You know best how to handle your sitch. I'm reading words on the screen, and do not know the inner workings and dynamic of your M. My advice is based on my sitch, with my H., which is different than yours.
I understand what you mean about contradictory advice; gets a little overwhelming at times, trying to figure out what the best or most effective thing to say or do is.
Good luck, you'll come up with something productive, I'm sure. (((flowmom)))
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
