I have two grown daughters and a daughter who is currently 12 yers old as well. You can't win. That's all.
well...I have never attempted to win with the girls..I have never attempted to be a dad to them simply because they have a wonderful, loving father..he's a good christian man...I have only tried to be a friend..and be good to them..the 12 year old is the only one with these issues..
Ok, drinks first! What'll you have? Sounds like you need one.
Next, on the 12 yr old girl issue. Part of that is normal 12 year old girl hormones. Girls at that age are a powder keg of emotion and can't make up their mind to save themselves. However, the abandonment issues could lead to a major problem later. Does Michele have her in counseling? If not, why not? How often do you include her in your plans with her mom? If you find that your plans exclude her more than they include her, change it. That doesn't mean she needs to be along for every outing, but the priority here is to create a happy, secure home for her and that means being included and having her opinions heard. Other than that, I have no idea what else can be done without outside help.
IMO, you hit the nail on the head with the 'stealing our thunder' comment. Michele doesn't want anything to divert attention for your happiness and if Kim's getting M'd (possibly) has the potential of doing that she is going to feel threatened. Be extra loving and attentive for a while and don't bring up Kim if at all possible.
As far as Kim inviting your family to her party for Caleigh, you said your piece to her and, unfortunately, she made a good point. You asked her not to do it, but you don't control her actions. She will do what she's going to do. Now, the only thing you can do is to ask a couple of key members of your family if they can gently ask Kim to leave them off the guest list in the future. If she doesn't then she's a bigger dumba$$ than I thought!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Wow that 12 year old sounds like Dennis (NGF's son). Not easy to handle...the way i or we have decided to handle it is to reduce the time we see each other. It has worked because Dennis sems more relaxed around me. I do not think this is an option for you...not sure you are living together (we are not and i have no plans to or remarry). On your side, you are getting married so.....other than sitting down with her and trying to reassure her, I have no words of wisdom. Congrats by the way.
I agree 100% on what you are saying about your X....I feel the same way. I do not get involved in her personal life. She is the one who continuously gives me work related details...when D9 starts to talk about her mom, I listen but more often than not, I simply shrug it off.....I do not want to cut the communication with D9 on any topic.
Now on why your wife o be is angry? You may have hit the nail on the head with stealing the thunder....I don't understand it...but hey there are alot of things I do not understand. Your X inviting your family for your d's bday is alos a little confusing to me.
Hnag in there buddy and don't let them get you down! The AMsters is around the corner and then the REAL golf season begins up here!!!!!
As far as her 12 year old, it is a phase. Make sure you include her in activities, but you may both need to sit down with her and set the boundaries. Reassure her that you are not going anywhere, and although you are not her father, you would like to be her friend. See if you can get some input, but girls at this age can also be very manipulative. (I have three daughters, so I know my subject material VERY well.) There needs to be mutual respect, and firmness, but in a loving way. Make sense?
that's what I think it is too..I guess it still upsets me basically because..
I treat them very well while being firm..I support their mother when it comes to them and disagreements but I also show them empathy because I can remember being a teenager..I raised a teenager myself...I guess I am hurt when hteir is a disagreement between mother/daughters/sisters..and the 12 year blurts out that her bad behaviour is basically because I will be marrying her mom...and due to the fact that the same thing happened just after the engagement in Sept..and the same conversation happened and all things seemed to be taken care of...
I think it is..
her being a little manipulative..
her having a slight fear but I think she really overplays that..
she does not have a good relationship with her step mom..so I think she thinks all step relationships will be the same..
I think it is also this lovely thing called puberty! Their emotions are everywhere and they don't know what is going on within themselves.
My 11 year old is going through this stuff now and it is not a fun rollercoaster for her. Michele's daughter is working through a lot of stuff. Her Dad isn't there, you are, she likes you but what if you leave too??? She is afraid to get attached and have her world crumble down again.
Talk to her and acknowledge what she is feeling. These fears are very real to her. Let her know that she can come and talk to you anytime if you are comfortable with that. this isn't just a phase in regards to these fears.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Next, on the 12 yr old girl issue. Part of that is normal 12 year old girl hormones. Girls at that age are a powder keg of emotion and can't make up their mind to save themselves. However, the abandonment issues could lead to a major problem later. Does Michele have her in counseling? If not, why not? How often do you include her in your plans with her mom? If you find that your plans exclude her more than they include her, change it. That doesn't mean she needs to be along for every outing, but the priority here is to create a happy, secure home for her and that means being included and having her opinions heard. Other than that, I have no idea what else can be done without outside help.
Ok...Michele and I have talked about the 12 year old..we do think that alot of this is "hormonal" as a matter of fact we both would like to see her start.. I think she uses the abandonment issues as a crutch...she is not in counseling though Michele did tell her last night that she would be going..and the 12 year olds reply was that, "she did not have to tell them her personal problems" and our reply(Michele and I both) was that " you may choose not to talk to the counselor but you also won't be talking on the cell, on the computer, no basketball, no softball either"...and as far as what they are included in..."everything"...our kids are our lives..and that is fine..wer both wonder if we give them too much..
Michele-ex thing...I got that..and believe me..I never talk about Kim ever..good or bad..
Quote:
If she doesn't then she's a bigger dumba$$ than I thought!
I think Michele sounds like she has a firm handle. With the tweens, hit 'em where it hurts. Cell phone, computer, ipod. As much as we don't like it, at this age, it is all a bargaining game. The thing is you really have to show them who has the upper hand. And trust me, she is using the abandonment issues as an excuse. Right now, she feels like you are an interloper on her relationship with her mother. Now, we know that is not true. However, here is where your strength is going to come in. Many would walk away, and say screw it. But because of where you have been, you won't. Eventually she will come around, but it will take time.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Wow that 12 year old sounds like Dennis (NGF's son). Not easy to handle...the way i or we have decided to handle it is to reduce the time we see each other. It has worked because Dennis sems more relaxed around me. I do not think this is an option for you...not sure you are living together (we are not and i have no plans to or remarry). On your side, you are getting married so.....other than sitting down with her and trying to reassure her, I have no words of wisdom. Congrats by the way.
I agree 100% on what you are saying about your X....I feel the same way. I do not get involved in her personal life. She is the one who continuously gives me work related details...when D9 starts to talk about her mom, I listen but more often than not, I simply shrug it off.....I do not want to cut the communication with D9 on any topic.
Now on why your wife o be is angry? You may have hit the nail on the head with stealing the thunder....I don't understand it...but hey there are alot of things I do not understand. Your X inviting your family for your d's bday is alos a little confusing to me.
Hnag in there buddy and don't let them get you down! The AMsters is around the corner and then the REAL golf season begins up here!!!!!
I think alot of it is hormonal John....I know boys better than girls simply because I helped raise a son...girls can be a little confusing..imagine that..
Sounds like you and GF are doing mighty fine...good for you...
BTW..what are the odds that Tiger will play in Augusta?? A buddy of mine scored tickets to Saturday/Sunday rounds...lucky bassstarrrdd..
Not having had this problem but do have a daughter and whilst I agree with all thats said,seems to me that it is Michelle who maybe should be the one doing the reassuring and spending more time with daughter. Apologies if that has been done and I missed it. I guess if her and mum where together without a male for some time before you two got together it could be a jealousy thing too, that mum gets all this attention and is busy planning her special day, new clothes etc,even daughters get jealous of mum being centre stage. Just a thought but it is a fine line to make her seem special too and it looking like bribery. I,m sure it will blow over so loving but boundaries and a united front at all times. Congratulations btw.
My 11 year old is going through this stuff now and it is not a fun rollercoaster for her. Michele's daughter is working through a lot of stuff. Her Dad isn't there, you are, she likes you but what if you leave too??? She is afraid to get attached and have her world crumble down again.
Talk to her and acknowledge what she is feeling. These fears are very real to her. Let her know that she can come and talk to you anytime if you are comfortable with that. this isn't just a phase in regards to these fears.
Yep..got all that..We all sat at the table last night...after Mom/18 yr. old/16 yr.old got through raking the 12 year old over the coals for pretty much tossing me under the bus.. and i told them all that i loved them like I loved my son and daughter..that even though they are not biologically mine that I still consider them my daughters because i feel like they are..I also let them know that I was not going anywhere as long as their mother would have me and that i would never leave them...I also let them all know that I wanted to see them succeed no matter what they chose to do...I told them I would be their biggest cheerleader, their biggest fan..i would be there to listen when they needed me to listen..and carry them a bit if they needed me too..but they had responsibilites they needed to meet...I told them that i was not going to be any different around them no matter what was said..
In the end..she told me she was sorry..and I told her it was alright..I do expect this same thing to pop up when she feels she needs to have an excuse though..
