Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Losing Desire to Reconcile

Keep a good relationship with her dad and family if at all possible. Don't allow her to make it awkward and try not to put them in an awkward position either. If you still might want to fix your marriage, it will not help if she convinces them you are the problem and she has played no part in this. They could be in support of MC so that you can work towards keeping an intact family for the kids.

So yes, friend her dad back. He will take it as a snub if you don't and it will inflame the situation. If it goes all the way to divorce court and beyond, you can unfriend him two years from now if you want.

You said:
rr22, I hear you. IT's funny how I was given "chances" to change without knowing they were chances. Now I feel I am giving W chances to change and I'm not seeing anything.

I know we lack communication and I know my faults. It does take two to communicate and I feel she isn't taking responsibility for her faults.





Some people on the board have pointed out, unfortunately, that it's unrealistic to think they will take responsibility for their faults and contributions to the relationship problems at such an early phase. The more work we do, the more we want them to, but they don't. They're not there yet. Supposedly some will get there and some will never get there because they want to be "perfect" and blame you. Some of the communication books talk about how if you change your communication style the spouse might notice and try the same things themselves. Maybe try that. Don't get dragged into any yelling matches or anything. Practice some of those positive and neutral communication skills from those books. You actually have to be a better communicator when they're a worse one. Yet if they are in an anger and blaming phase, that has to cool down before they even notice it, much less think to try it themselves. If that makes sense.

The WAS is very good at hiding what they are feeling. I have said this to many people...pride is an ugly beast. Unfortunately it is also very strong, and takes a stronger person to beat it down.

Your W has decided that she does not want to be married to you. She wants to party and live the fun life. There will come a time where she will question that. It may take some time. I think that many WAS's question and regret their decisions, but the pride beast takes over. They have convinced themselves that they will be happier, and even if they know they won't, they will listen to pride.

I think alot of what the ultimate decision is will be how we, as the LBS handles the situation. The thing is it can take a very long time. Many LBS's do move on. It is human nature to want to feel safe and secure in an R, and if you cannot get that, you will look again.

Two and a half years, and my H is just starting to apologize for things he does NOW. Although there have been half a$$ed attempts at apologies for his past behaviors, he has yet to hit rock bottom. I look at it this way, if it is supposed to be it will. If not, God will lead me in a different direction. But right now, I am content with my life.

You have to be content with you and who you are. You have to be able to look in the mirror, love who you are and know that you will always strive to be a better person. Although we feel as if this decision is not ours, it really is. Inevitably, you can choose to stand or walk away.

But the choice is always yours.

LolaL,
I see you have been here for quite some time.I feel that I have been patience thus far and maybe my patience is wearing thin. I am here fo alot of the same reasons others are here. Although my wife left, she didn't leave for another man. She felt as if I weren't attracted to her.

There may been some truth behind this b/c it's hard to be attracted to someone who isn't treating you right.
Again this leads back to communication and the reason why I am here.

I almost feel like telling her exactly what I want in the relationship and if she wants it too then we shold start working on it. However I don't want to put pressure on her to decide on the spot.
Five months into it may be too soon, but maybe later this year if things aren't moving forward, I will put her on the spot.

I have offer to goto MC, she went twice and then stopped. I think her head was on straight at that time. \

Do you think I should suggest MC now that we have had time to let the dust settle?

One Day At a Time.

That all depends on your own limitations and what you chose accept and live with.

In my case, the answer was simple, it's never too late. I understand the problems that led to the breakdown of our M. I understand and accept my faults. (x)W understands and accepts her faults. (x)W understands, accepts, is regretful and remorseful for her actions after the M broke down.

Even though our entire lives have been torn apart, turned inside out and leveled to to the extreme, we are leaving those problems behind us.

For you at this point, I think your best course of action is to go about your life, do not worry about your W and M. Your W thinks she knows what she wants and it's not your M, and what is a marriage after all? The bond of two people, not one trying to persuade the other to be married.

Your W thinks she knows what she wants and it's not your M, and what is a marriage after all? The bond of two people, not one trying to persuade the other to be married.

I think this is an accurate statment. She thinks that things couldn't improve and thought her only option was to leave.

Now that see has seen changes in me I think I have put the seed of doubt in her head and she is now pondering. This is why I think she is moping.

I have good thoughts about the situation at times and then there are times I think about selling the house to shake her up.

I guess just sitting tight and enjoying me free time might be the best thing for me now. I don't want to make an important decision in panic mode.

Can't wait for fishing season.

OK, reading that:

what have you done for you?

What have you done to change you?

Are those changes related to your faults in the breakdown of your M?

What do you do with that free time?

Your W like mine thought the party life was the way to go? How long do you really think the reality that she is a MOTHER will escape her?

what have you done for you?

I have gotten back to playing basketball and working out.
I have taken up cooking as a hobby, I enjoy creating good eats.
I have personalized the house to my color schemes and decor.


What have you done to change you?

I am more aware of my actions towards W, understanding that I lacked giving her praise for being a great mom.
I compliment her more often.
I remember to send out cards for birthdays and special events.
I have read more relationship books in the past 5 months than I have read all type of books in the past 5 years.
I have changed my appearance and my outlook on life.


Are those changes related to your faults in the breakdown of your M?

My changes are a result of a failed relationship. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. To build a great new relationship with W. Plan B-- a great new relationship with new lady.


What do you do with that free time?

I cook, take care of the kids needs(House Chores) , spend more time with my family and more time with close friends.

Your W like mine thought the party life was the way to go? How long do you really think the reality that she is a MOTHER will escape her?
Not sure on this one. She was a great mother and we always received compliments from strangers on how well behaved our kids are. After 3 years of being a full type mom, I think she felt burned out from spending all of her time with the kids. This is where I messed up. I came home from work and I received all the fun attention from the kids. I was the FUN parent b/c I didn't have to discpline the kids. I looked forward to coming home and seeing the kids. I never made time for US.

I don't blame her for leaving, I just don't like the way she handled the situaion. SHe could have came to and said something like "Listen, I feel we don't spend enough quality time together. If you don't start making time for me, I will be leaving you" I think this is clear and to the point.
I received a comment- "I think I need to reconnect with you"

Knowing what I know now, that was the red flag. Back then I was too clear what that meant. Shame on me for not clarifiying, shame on her for not being specific.
Communication has been our problem.

This is why I feel if I don't address the R, I will be showing her that I haven't learned to commincate.
On the other hand, I am trying to show her through my actions that I have changed.