Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

Actually Sandi...I didnt push the issue of marriage.

Let me expand on this a bit. I was raised to believe that people should be married before they have kids. And, back when we found out she was pregnant, I wanted to get married right away. She didnt.

I planned a huge romantic dinner and proposed to her on mothers day...and after tears and fears, she said yes. I assumed that within the next year she would want to pick a date. The baby came...and no tlak of a wedding date. Within 3 months of the baby being born, she was already threatening me to leave with our daughter if I didnt do what she wanted. In fact I still have a saved voicemail on my cell phone from where she called me while i was at work to do it.

That's how it worked with us...she would pick a fight over something insignificant while really volleying for something else like wanting to go our to the bar or something, and threaten to leave with the baby if I didnt comply.

For the first 6- 9 months of our daughters life...I was the one at home, up at 2 and 3 in the morning many nights trying to calm our daughter's cries while she was out with her friends/father (and while I had to get up at 6AM every day for work). And who was there for me...to calm my cries as I was trying to take care of a newborn with no experience and no one but myself to count on?

Sometimes it took a month before she would threaten me again...sometimes it was two months. And rarely did any of the threats have anything to do with the "excuses" she gave for leaving me. I say excuses because I still believe she wanted this OM and needed ways to absolve her guilt.

So you see sandi...my daughter and I formed a very special bond the first year of her life. I was the first person to hold her...before my ex even...and I made a promise to her to always protect her. From the way we were treated, I learned quickly if I wasnt there for her there might not be anyone.

My ex didnt really start showing a huge interest in our daughter unless it involved anything "fun".

Even now, when my ex goes to the grocery store, instead of taking our daughter with her in the cart she drops her off at this kids play area. While thats fine every once in a while...she does it every time.

Many people...even her own mother...have said that she doesnt act like she wants to be a mother. She had treated our D like a living doll...and when the doll becomes a nuisance in her eyes it's time to put it down and go play with something else.

And I seem to have gotten off on a tangent...but the reason I ended up not pressing the marriage issue was with all her threats, I was terrified she was going to do exactly what she did. Only instead of her just leaving and cheating on me with OM at her dads house and whatnot, she could have kicked me out of my own home, taken half of what little money I have, and cheated on me with OM in our own home.

And with all that said...why in the hell would I want to go back to a situation like that? I have NO clue. For the life of me I cannot understand why I want to be with someone who has treated me at least equally badly as she claims I treated her. But I do.

And it seems poetic...as I was typing this...my daughter began to cry in her bed. I went up to comfort her. And where is mommy? At the bar with her dad, OM and a lot of other people who are "the wrong crowd" my ex got into once she turned 21.

nsw,If this is so (and it's been quite obvious), you should do absolutely nothing regarding your sitch. For quite some time.
Read here.
Read Hold On To Your N.U.T.S., No More Mr. Nice Guy, The Four Agreements, and any books you find here or elsewhere that resonate with you- about you - not relationships.
Work on you. Let/practice letting everything else toxic roll off you like water off a duck's back.

Look up here or on Google The Spiers Doctrine from Band of Brothers or The Stockdale Paradox.

You - more than most, I believe - have to work solely ON you FOR you.

Thanks Gardner. It looks like a Barnes and Noble across town has the NMMNG and 4 Agreements. the N.U.T.S. book I may have to order online.

I am indeed the proverbial "nice guy". and maybe that is yet another unspoken reason my ex left...I was no challenge...just a wimpy puddle of a man who kept taking crap no matter what. Essentially she didnt respect me and found someone stronger who she could respect.

And maybe I unknowingly refocused my resentment at all the crap I've taken over the years by not paying much attention to my ex and not going out and doing things with her. Not that it matters now anyway.

"Let/practice letting everything else toxic roll off you like water off a duck's back."

I hope you wont take offense to this but you sound a lot like my father when you say that. I respect him greatly so it is a compliment. He gave me similar advice many times over the past few years when I would tell him and my mom about the arguments and threats from my ex.

and the SD and SP...interesting ways to tackle such a tough situation. Acknowledge that the relationship is already dead instead of worrying about it dying so that you can face reality head on. Never lose faith that your goal will be accomplished, but dont get so caught up in the progression to the goal that you arent able to face reality.

I want you to stand up to me. Don't allow me to put you down. Don't make excuses or explain your situation......but stand up to me. Talk back with a firm confidence in who you are. (And there is a difference in being an a$$ and having confidence.)

She doesn't want a nice guy. She wants a strong man who will not take any of her stuff. The man who will face her and tell her where she can go...and act as if he could care less about her....will be the one she will probably want right now. Makes no sense to you, does it? But, I'll bet you that will be what she'll do. Her priorities are all messed up. Her natural desire for a strong leader in her R, and as the father of her child, is there inside of her, but she's gotten everything out of order.

I think you need to get away from her and stay away for your own mental health sake. You did not want the R near as much until she walked out. Now you are completely obsessed by it. That is not healthy. You have so much work to do on your own growth before you have a future with her.

I'm starting to realize that too. I guess I was "comfortable". But the strange thing is in between the arguments, I still felt the same about her as I did when we first met. It was confusing...as there were times when I didnt want to be with her but other times I couldnt see not being around her. But I stuck it out because I dont believe in giving up just because of disagreements, and I stayed faithful because I dont believe in looking elsewhere to have any unmet needs met.

It's hard to get away from her when I have to see her twice a day almost every day.

As sad as it sounds...people have put me down my whole life for one reason or another...and I've basically taken it all and just internalized my feelings on it.

I'm gonna head to B&N to pick up some of those books Gardner suggested along with any others that may be in the same sections. Hopefully that will be a good first step in making me a stronger and more confident man. The hard part will be just like with here...following the advice. After being a Nice Guy and doormat for so long it almost feels wrong to be any other way.

nsw,
This may be your first reply to someone that didn't amount to an ignore-the-advice-and-instead-lead-with-a-defensive/corrective "Yeah, but I..." or "But you know that she..." or "Actually, I..."

Hopefully that's a first step toward real progress for you.
We shall see.Exactly!! I've said it here before, and here it is again:

Too many damn guys in this world and not enough men! Dead-on, Sandi!

The challenge to you, man-to-be nsw1222, is: Can you do this? Will you do this?

I intend to. I'm tired of feeling like crap. It wont happen overnight...but I've got time.

I think i took a good first step just now.

My ex was supposed to text massage me last night to let me know if her dad was coming to pick up D3 or if I'm supposed to drop her off. It's almost time for the pickup and I still havent heard from her.

So I sent her a text message asking her what the deal was and who was picking up D3. The message didnt get delivered because her phone is off.

So that made me mad. I then set a boundary in a second message. I told her that I can see that her phone is off and when she leaves me hanging like that and I'm not able to get in touch wih her I feel disrespected. I told her i have things to do today and what if there was an emergency that I need to get ahold of her about D3. I said if she isnt more considerate in the future then I will not be obligated to be either.

Of course I then got a message just now from her fathers girlfriend saying everything went fine with the teeth extraction and that my ex will likely sleep all day. I asked her if she was home yet and if I was supposed to drop off D3 and she said no she isnt home yet and that her dad will be getting D3.

There is nothing wrong with setting a boundary although I am not really sure you set one. HOWEVER you are *still* operating under the "tit for tat" mindset.

EX: You said if she is not more considerate in the future you will not be considerate either.

One should not base being considerate on the lack of consideration somebody else displays. What does one have to do with the other? Being considerate is a CHOICE and not something you do *only* if the person you are interacting with is considerate first. It's all so childish. All you are doing with jabs like that is creating an even stronger foundation for further conflict, disrespect and poor communication.

You claim you want to change the dynamic with your W(GF?) but you keep doing the same thing and it all stays the same.

What would have been the appropriate way to state that boundary then?


I picked up several books at B&N...one called "the ultimate secrets of total self confidence", "the 4 agreements", one called "too nice for your own good", one called "stop walking on eggshells", and one called "get anyone to do anything". I thought they had the "no more mr nice guy book" but what they had was something of the same name that was more of a sarcastic sick humor book.

I really am too damn nice for my own good...so that may be the one I read first. In my response to my ex's dad's girlfriend today, I told her if they needed anything picked up like a prescription or groceries to let me know, that I'd be happy to help. After my ex's dad picked up D3 today I ended up sending my ex another text message to confirm the pickup, tell her that I just wanted to be kept in the loop, tell her that D3 was bringing a card for her, that I was glad her surgery went well that I hoped she felt better, and that she could call if she needed anything.

While my ex's dad's g/f did say thanks to my offer, my ex never responded. Now it makes me angry that I extended the offer or said anything to any of them...as they all know the situation and are probably having a good laugh at my expense.

Who cares what they think though. It will be a cold day in hell before I do anything for any of them again...including my ex.

It's time for it to become all about me.