You're going to receive some different answers and opinions in regards to here and the newcomers forum. Dbing in general is what you have to do, but mlc IMO is handled a bit differently than a WA situation. Newcomers is great for WA's ....mlcer's??, I'm not so sure.
It is also difficult for you and the rest of us to keep up having two different threads.
Thank you all for your responses. Your advice is much appreciated. I thank God I found this BB. I messed up when I first posted and put it on newcomers. This is where I meant to put it.
OP, I will definitely take your advice to heart and post any letters or emails before I send them to get opinions. If I can save myself a headache or heartache I'm jumping on that wagon!
The things that H said that I had the strongest reactions to are the things that I knew had some validity. Those are the things I'm working on in myself for myself. They're not for H's benefit because he's in so deep right now that I don't think he would notice the changes anyway.
Could it be possible that H has been in MLC for a couple years and that's why he shut himself off from us? He made comments to me before that he felt like he just existed. He lost interest in a lot of the things he liked to do and the stuff he had to do he seemed to do on automatic pilot. I'm a fixer and I just couldn't fix him. I would just wait it out and then he come back to me renewed and things would be wonderful for a while.
This time I know there is no fixing him. In fact, folks have been making comments to S26 at work asking him what's wrong with his dad. (They work at the same place) I guess the fog is really heavy and it's affecting his performance at work. Earlier on in this (at H's request)I sent him an article on the symptoms of low testosterone and I still believe that may be part of the problem because H had all symptoms listed. As stated above he will not go see a doctor. I am extremely worried about his health because I can see him self destructing and know there is nothing I can do. At the age of 56 H is looking like an old man and these are all changes in the last few months.
H is coming over tomorrow morning to do our taxes. Plan on playing it cool. Kids have all requested a big homemade breakfast and I love to cook. Would it be OK to offer H an omelet?
Hi SA- Sorry you find yourself here but this is a wonderful place to come to for support.
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
Could it be possible that H has been in MLC for a couple years and that's why he shut himself off from us?
Absolutely. I recognized that my H was going through something for about a year before he left.
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
This time I know there is no fixing him.
This is a good thing. It is hard when you are so used to everyone coming to you to fix things and the one thing you really want to fix, you can't. If you can accept this, you are off to a good start.
I have read that low testosterone is part of MLC. Some even refer to midlife crisis as male menopause. You can suggest to your H that he may have low testosterone but, he may not be in a place where he wants to hear something like that and it is obviously up to him whether or not he gets it checked out.
Lots of MLCers start displaying physical issues. My H now has high cholesterol and blood pressure. I think this does age them rapidly.
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
Would it be OK to offer H an omelet?
If you would like to offer your H breakfast, then by all means, do it but don't do it because YOU want to.
This is a very long and grueling rollercoaster. It can be worth the ride but I hope you have a strong stomach.
This is called andropause. I am about the same age as your husband(SA) and since my W started this trip I have noticed some symptoms of this myself. Especially itching! Andropause in men starts at about 30 and is usually a much more gradual process until about 80. We start earlier and end later but eventually it is the same types of symptoms as in women. The thing that drives you crazy is the huge fluctuations in hormones.Men do not normally have big fluctuations. Before I started on this web site I was on a web site called www.power-surge.com (actually I still post on that site). It is a site for menopause. I can highly recommend it. It does have a mens section but it is primarily for women.
I do think that MLCers recognize that "something" is wrong. They live in a state of confusion and internal conflict. They just don't realize, at least initially and for a long while until they look if they look, that their problems lie with unresolved issues deep in them rather than with anything and everything around them. My H has on a couple of times when he has opened up just said how messed up he is. Yet he can't seem to figure out how to fix it.
And I too noticed my H detaching from the family and kind of drifting away months before he verbalized anything was wrong looking back on things. That makes it so hard to pinpoint when his MLC may have actually begun but certainly long before I realized it!
Yes, offer him the omelet if you feel like it. The thing with MLC is keeping your expectations at zero for invitations, etc. Invite, offer, whatever, but don't expect anything from your H right now.
I think my H realizes something is wrong, just not what I might think it is. He made a comment to me recently (with regards to being happy) that he was trying to figure out what that means for him.
I hope all goes well with the taxes and breakfast.
Learning to deatach and keeping the expectaions to zero is kind of like learning to walk IMO. You fall down and keep trying.
H came to do taxes Sat. morning. I made omelets for the whole gang except for myself. MLC diet is working well. lol H was in the den with S26 and DiL, he did their taxes too. After I cleaned up the kitchen I went to the other side of the house and that's where I stayed for most of the time H was here. H forgot a statement that he needed to complete ours. He didn't remember that S26 gave it to him previously. It came here instead of at his address. So he has to come over today to finish our taxes.
H didn't seem as uncomfortable being here as he has in the past. Of course maybe part of it was that there were other people in the house besides me. Before I knew about MLC I thought H was making excuses to come over and see me, so I used those times to try and talk to him about getting back together, and I ended up pushing him farther away. H told me that it was over and had been for a long time. Boy,I sure was ignorant 2 months in. Anyway, H has seemed like a caged animal at times when he's here, other times he's fallen asleep in his den chair. Go figure. Since I've detached he has seemed more at ease with me.
The thing that I found interesting is that when he was putting on his boots to leave I looked up to see him looking at me. When I did he turned his head away.
Expectations were at zero and I did well.
Grace- Thanks for your input. You're so right and I've fallen down a lot. Manage to keep getting back up and each time I seem stronger.
OP- Thank you for the resource threads. I've been busy reading them and with the knowledge gained my compassion and strength grows. Don't have a crystal ball to know how this is going to turn out but I do believe that either way I'll be better than OK.
Thank you all again for weighing in, you are blessings God has sent my way at a very needed time in my life.
