One line asking me to help you find books (you are supposed to be helping yourself) and FOUR paragraphs about your W.
Look, this "tit for tat" nonsense has not gotten you too far. Yes, you made a major error last week when you showed up at her house and now you are wasting more time "beating your figurative head" as your W was about to do the same. Tit for tat. Stupid.
CityGirl and everyone else who has taken the time to give of themselves to help your thoroughly self-absorbed self should be heeded. Obeyed. Taken on faith if nothing else.
For you from my post to gman last night:
How's that working out for you? Do what works! Drop what doesn't!
Counterintuitive!
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I just stopped by to vent and hopefully not do/say anything to react on emotions.
I found out that my ex's dad and his girlfriend know and seem to have known about the OM for a while...they seem quite comfortable with him. And why not...he's a lot closer to their age than he is to my ex's...so it's like they're buddies.
I just dont get how my ex could do this to our family knowing the pain that her own mother and fathers divorce had on her?
yet I cannot ask her that as its pushing.
but I so want to text my ex and ask her that.
I really hate the OM. so my own shortcomings caused my ex to be unhappy...that still doesnt mean we couldnt work things out in time...and it certainly doesnt mean he had to move in on the situation.
the respectable thing most decent human beings would do is give someone an appropriate amount of time. I mean when someones spouse dies most decent people allow a year or so. when someone's relationship ends a similar courtesy should be shown.
at the very least I think I should admit defeat to my ex...tell her that I know I'm fighting a losing battle because everyone that she really cares about is perfectly fine with her situation.
It's so frustrating that I cant yell and scream at my ex to get all this out. I could but (1) it wouldnt change anything...she doesnt care...and (2) that would likely get me in more trouble.
Again, another LONG post about your W and OM. If you were keeping busy working on you, you might not have as much time and energy to put towards your W and OM.
And along with that last question, should my ex and I go to court to get our custody agreement legalized?
To me that seems like the final nail in the relationship coffin...like if we do that and involve the courts instead of our mutual agreement then that's it.
I just stopped by to vent and hopefully not do/say anything to react on emotions. Even though you've clearly labeled this a "vent", I'm going to intrude slightly with three simple thoughts.
I found out that my ex's dad and his girlfriend know and seem to have known about the OM for a while...they seem quite comfortable with him. And why not...he's a lot closer to their age than he is to my ex's...so it's like they're buddies.
I just dont get how my ex could do this to our family knowing the pain that her own mother and fathers divorce had on her? nsw, children of trauma, victims of trauma will often act out and perpetuate that very same trauma in the very same way as adults. She has neither forgiven nor healed. Perhaps she never will.
yet I cannot ask her that as its pushing.
but I so want to text my ex and ask her that.
I really hate the OM. so my own shortcomings caused my ex to be unhappy..Not necessarily so..that still doesnt mean we couldnt work things out in time...and it certainly doesnt mean he had to move in on the situation.
the respectable thing most decent human beings would do is give someone an appropriate amount of time. I mean when someones spouse dies most decent people allow a year or so. when someone's relationship ends a similar courtesy should be shown.
at the very least I think I should admit defeat to my ex...tell her that I know I'm fighting a losing battle because everyone that she really cares about is perfectly fine with her situation. Like everything else, if it's a good idea now, it will still be a good idea in 48 hours. Don't act on this. Alternatively, as Gypsy says: If it feels right, do it. If it doesn't feel right or you're waffling on it, don't.
It's so frustrating that I cant yell and scream at my ex to get all this out. I could but (1) it wouldnt change anything...she doesnt care...and (2) that would likely get me in more trouble.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Oh no I wont act on it or say anything Gardner. Emotions were definately high in that post.
I called my family and talked to them about the same time I wrote it. While I'm not any less hurt/angry...I am calmer.
My stance on my sitch changes from moment to moment...so telling her "I give up" and then changing my mind tomorrow doesnt help me one bit. It's as bad as my boundary of not wanting anything to do with her othjer than D3 talk if she moved on with OM and then a few days later after she does it, offering up my solution for us to both be happy by hanging out together.
Along with that, unless and until she does show any interest in that solution, I'm not calling or texting her unless something's wrong with D3.
She told me the other day she needed some time to think about my solution to our problem. I would be willing to bet my bottom dollar that if she is giving any sincere thought to it, she's just itching for me to pressure her about it so she can punish me again like a bad child. "I was going to say ok but you keep pressuring me so forget it".
Thanks for offering feedback though Gardner...and thanks for caring.
I would appreciate it if anyone else who is reading this and has dealt with or has knowledge of child custody issues would take a look at my two previous posts and offer up some suggestions.
In addition to the questions about custody, heres another one that just occured to me:
Should I ask my ex to get her stuff out of the house? She doesnt have a huge amount of stuff that is hers...a dresser, a twin bed, some Movies/CDs, a closet full of clothes, and some personal hygiene items.
If she's not gonna live here why keep her crap here? Should I tell her to get it all out?
"My ex, my ex, my ex, my ex"........that's all you can think or talk about, and you know what? She's got you right where she's wanted you for a looooooooong time!
You said yourself how badly you treated her before she left you. Didn't you say you hardly ever paid any attention to her? Didn't you say she couldn't take care of D3 as well as you could......b/c you were so particular about how things were done for your D? Didn't you say that you spent almost all your home time on the computer? Didn't you say that you hardly ever took her out anywhere?
Well, honey.....you're thinking about her now, aren't ya? You'd give your eye teeth to be able to take her out and spend time with her at home. Bet you wouldn't make a big deal about how "she" did something for D3 and that "you" could do it better! If you did, you'd be a fool.
You didn't even want her until you found out somebody else wanted her! You know what? If she did come back home, she wouldn't be there a month until you would be treating her like cr@p again! Know how I know? B/c she wasn't up to your standards to marry her, that's why. Go back and read your answer to me when I asked you why you were with her for 7 1/2 years and yet you never M her. Pitiful.....just pitiful. You ought to be horse whipped and if I were her daddy.....you would be!!
You need to learn how to be a man!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
