This day turned crazy. Check up with Doctor, then stopped by to see counselor a few minutes. 4 missed calls from W, no mess left. But she wasn't priority at the moment.
Talked to mother of grandson. She's had a blowout with live in boyfriend. Can't afford place by herself. Needed $500 for deposit on new place. Will be picking up grandson Saturday afternoon. She wants him out of that picture till she's settled into a new place.
After that was settled, checked text I had received. Was from W. In it W says that the night before she left, she had prayed to know what was right. That by the time she arrived there, she knew OM wasn't right, realized she didn't really care for him. But still thought D was what she needed for herself.... Then a week later she had had a few drinks with a college girlfriend, had too much, ended back at the room early. Says she felt very alone, needed to talk to someone, but phone was dead, and had left charger in girlfriends car. Feeling depressed, lonely, she want for a walk. Later ran into two elderly men who she didn't feel threatened by, talked with them for an hour. Seems they were from our same church, just different city. Had ended up praying with them. That when she woke the next morning, she knew D wasn't the right answer either, but felt confused as to what she really wants or needs. That would have been the night before she first called after NC for 7 days.
Then called W to see why she had been calling. W says she had spoke with grandsons mother, knew I would be picking him up Saturday afternoon. Was pleased she was able to change her flight, would land about an hour after I picked up grandson. 'WE' could all come back together.
Have thought this through, 'Wish list' from Gno has to become a 'to do list', NOW. Working through it now. Flowchart with realistic goals, planting that 'not pursuing' attitude into a habit, installing honest, sincere strategy for boudaries.
IMO, if 1/2 of what she says is true, it still leaves me as 2nd choice. That leavesme very angry. The 4 C's will have to help control the anger I feel. My first inclination is to drop everything I feel on her like a ton of bricks. Not a very effective offence, or defence at this point.
After I post this, will be taking Gno's advice, going to Puppy Dog Tails 'OnceBurden's tread'. Know by now, if Gno said it, there will be things there to fold into the strategy I will need.
Gno, MF, CG, and all who dropped a thought in. With the advice thrown my way, I don't feel like I'm going into this battle completely unarmed.
W knows grandson ALWAYS sleeps 90% of this trip. So W knows we will basically be alone 90% of that 5 + hours. So W knows there will be either talk, or angered silence. Tomorrow makes 5 month's since we have talked about R for more than 2 minutes. And that she was the one who avoided it.
So what is in W's mind? On the phone she sounded so cheerful, as if nothing had ever happened, except no 'I love you' at the end.
Again, IMO, this may be when boundaries come in. Now that I know what's coming, I feel up to the challenge, but know anger is the biggest obstacal. If boundaries come into play, they have to be sincere, honest, but definate. That the 4 C's will have to be in place to control the anger, and that a workable, ajustable strategy must be formost. And last, but not least, I know this trip could either be a begining, or a total trainwreck.
Thank God I have all of you to watch my back, hand needed ammunition when needed. Taking off now to PDT's thread to get more ammo.
Reading and digesting what you have written above. You're on the right track there. And CGU, you're doing extremely well. Kudos from me. Let me know what you think after reading OB's thread.
There is ONE thing that is confusing me: "mother of grandson" Who is this woman and how does she relate to you?
Mother of grandson =. S24 and her were together, fought like cats and dogs night and day. Grandson come into play about the same time they agreed they needed to forget R between them. Both good kids, their R became an admiral mutual respect to the needs of now, almost 4 son. Excellent R where their S3 concerned.
They have both matured the last 4 years. Neither sees how much they think of each other, but can picture it in near future.
Overall, he is my grandson, she has impressesd me greatly in becoming an excellent mother. Don't mind helping when it's not BS, and well earned.
Just read OB's thread. Is encouraging, but assures me I'm not past the first step yet.
I'm going to reread it, with a pen in hand to note specific things that directly apply to my own sitch. Make a few adjustments to flow chart I'm creating.
Still feeling a lot of anger. However I'm begining to feel a 'That's the way it is, take it or leave it' attitude setting in.
Is that a good thing at this point, or just the confusion and anger I have been feeling?
Just read OB's thread. Is encouraging, but assures me I'm not past the first step yet.
You're in a different and much better state of mind than he was. Don't compare your situation to his but do take note of the advice he was given as the various situations arose. Add those to your flowchart. i.e. This way when your W raises a challenge, you are prepared and have the appropriate response on hand.
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
I'm going to reread it, with a pen in hand to note specific things that directly apply to my own sitch. Make a few adjustments to flow chart I'm creating.
Excellent. You know what Dale, I don't think I'll be able to "teach" you anything.
Originally Posted By: Can't give up
Still feeling a lot of anger. However I'm begining to feel a 'That's the way it is, take it or leave it' attitude setting in.
I can relate to the anger. All I can say is try not to let it affect your judgment. Your attitude could be a little on the extreme side on some things or just right for others. That attitude is perfect for setting, enforcing and maintaining your personal boundaries and how you want to be treated. You cannot wimp out on those or be afraid that your W will throw a hissy fit when you spell them out.
Anger can be both good and bad. It is bad when you lose control of a situation. You have every right to be feeling hurt and confused. This is why her being away is a gift at the moment because it gives you a chance to differentiate your emotions and a break from constant conflict.
There is one thing that concerns me at the moment and that is this five hour trip home with her in the car on Saturday. I urge you to find a way to avoid it. The reason being: For the last five months the two of you have barely had a conversation... with five hours of forced confinement in a small space the atmosphere going to be extremely emotionally charged. There will be no "out" for either of you if anything gets out of hand.
The situation can quickly degrade into an all out shouting and screaming match. NOT GOOD. Not good at all. This is the least ideal way of being with her again. Call me a pessimist if you will, but I do not see things turning out very well there -- especially because you are fluctuating between anger, hurt, confusion and a myriad of other emotions when she is so far away.
My opinion on this is the following: She found a way to get the money to leave, to abandon her family, her home and husband in pursuit of her fantasy. I see no reason why you should swoop in to be her "knight in shining armor" to save the day. She found a way out... let her find her own way home. Has this always been the dynamic? That you rush in to rescue her... even when she has been wrong?
So, let me re-iterate: For a first "reunion" opportunity... this is probably the worst one I have ever seen. Get out of it because I don't see you as ready to handle that one.
Glad to hear the attitude isn't out of line because it's setting in deeper as I prepare. 4 C's need to be even deeper for anger control.
Have considered the concern you have for the drive back. Got some insurance W didn't know about. S24 gets back in town Friday. He's going down with me to pick up grandson which is his son. W doesn't know yet. This will leave W in back with GS3. Will create a situation that it's unlikely W and I will end up alone for more a few minutes at any time.
This will put the situation more in my control. If or when W and I have a few minutes, will be playing it by ear. Any mention of R will lead to another boundary set in stone, or untill there is good reason to remove it.
Don't get me wrong, not saying if she mentions the weather I'm going to be saying SHUT UP and listen. But during that drive I think she has things she wanted to say. Can feel it when she's on the phone, but I've been cutting her off. When she does have something to say about R, then I can place boundaries for whichever topic of R she brings up.
Totally agree about how explosive that 5+ hour drive could be. Is why I started to look for other options. S24 finishing out of town trip a week early, a stroke of luck at the right time.
Having completed present contract. Have planned to leave Monday for a few days to check out some out of town work. Let W sit at home, wonder why I planned to be gone 3 or 4 days the day after she gets back.
And yes, I was always there to pick up the pieces, no matter the problem.
But hell Gno, I can't 'rescue' W, when 'I' am the pieces she scattered, and haven't even located all, much less put them back together. But with the help from you and everyone else, I'm beginning to get a blueprint drawn up, so I have an idea where the pieces go. And possibly, in the right order, so I don't have to go back, rebuild too many times.
Going back to planning for now. If anyone has a thought, I'll be checking back.
You're hiding behind S24 here Dale. Not good. If he is free then let him step up and do the work. This is HIS son we're talking about here. It's time for him to step up and be his own man.
This will free you of the obligation. Just like you will be using son to prevent conflict, your W will also be doing the same thing. The matters that she may wish to discuss are between the two of you -- AND SHOULD STAY THAT WAY.
This will buy you more time that you need to prepare yourself.
EDIT: Post your plan here for review so we can poke holes in it and adjust it.
