Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Doing hard time on the MLC chain gang.

Jack, can I ask you a question? I am going to anyway.
How do you know that your wife has completed her journey and that she will not go back at some future date. Especially when entering menopause or maybe the death of her parents.(assuming they are still alive).

Jack doesn't know. Nobody does.

But Jack will be OK no matter what.

I think one of the most important things we can learn from this board is that we can't control or predict what other people are going to do. All we can do is control our reactions and interactions and be the best that WE can be.

Not that I speak for Jack or anything ....

Good answer Drew!

On THAT subject Drew can speak for me anytime.

And he was quicker to the point than I would have been. : )

I am sort of stuck here with respect to my children, I think I know my answer here but wanted to see what you guys thought.

D13 is having a very hard time, last night late she and I were talking and she broke down crying. She wants mom permanently out of her life, wants us to move so there is no chance of interaction with mom etc. D13 is grieving the loss of her mom just as we grieve the loss of our spouse and marriage.

S9 on the otherhand is now feeling more of a need to be around mom more. He is realizing that it has been 5 months since she has been out of the house and he is sensing that she might not be coming back. He is losing hope. And he is breaking down also.

My kids up to this point have done pretty good but I can see they are both in pain and I am having to weigh the needs of one against the other. S9 needs to see mom more and D13 doesn't need/want to see mom at all.

Spoke to D13's counselor (just started last Saturday). D13's C said " It would be helpful if the kids new where the R between the W and I stood and what was going to happen." I told C that I want to work it out but I know my W is in the throws of MLC and while she does not want work on the R, I remain hopeful for reconciliation in the future.

D13's C recomended getting with my W to push the issue of where we are at which I am not going to do but I hate to see my D13 in pain. Part of her pain is the uncertainty of our future, this is killing me. D13 and I are meeting with D13 C toinght to discuss, I want to be honest with my daughter about where I stand but she along with her C, my friends, family etc. want me to give up and move on.

Do I say to D13, I have not given up hope for mom and I to get back together which the very thought of having to be back in the same house with mom tears up D13. Or do I somewhat lie and say "yes, it is over and we are going to get divorced" in order to help her move on.

I am so angry with my W for doing this to our family, to our kids. I want to let her have it, but know I can't and it that is not part of who I am anymore. I wish I could let her know the level of pain she is causing.

Need to do some work first, but I post after.

I think that now is a good time to really understand how to be the best you that you can be....

Think back to when you were her age. Being angry is all part of being a teenager. And then try to understand the raging emotions of being a hormonal girl ( which I assume you have very little experience at ).

Then throw all of this onto that fire, and it gets pretty messy.

WE may be YOUR support group, but you have to be theirs through this.


You want to be the memory today that you want them to have tomorrow......

And regardless of HOW you feel, or tell them......what you SHOW to them will remain the differance.

IF you are all over the map, then they will be as well....

Does this suck ? Yes, but only to the point you let it suck...

Is it fair ? Who told you life was fair ?

Be a rock for them, and sometimes, being a rock means that you can admit that you don't have the answers.....and you can find a way together through this.

Too much info for them may not be the way to go either....

This isn't their path to walk, it is yours.....

These answers have to come from you my friend.....

And they ARE inside of you....


I just know that showing your children that anger is not what you want from this.....

Find a punching bag. or something comparable to that....

Lord knows I have hung a Lab Coat on my fair share....

Keep enough anger to shield yourself against the bullchitt that you will encounter throughout this path....

Use it as a sword ? Not unless you want to die by the sword...


BTW.....Your daughters councelor ? Is she trying to help your daughter ? Or diagnose your wife.....

Pushing for an answer will help no one........

Probably doesn't know what a MLC is?

We can stand in hell all the live long day...right up until our children start getting hurt.
Or right up until we think they start getting hurt.



No she is grieving differently. Entirely differently. She is not only circling the wagons, she is heading back East.



She is mom and mommy to him, of course he feels this way.
Have you and your wife sat down with them and TOLD them that this has nothing to do with them, together? That this is actually a problem between Mom and Dad; that they have NOTHING to do with it. That you both love them very much.



The needs…

Your daughter doesn’t WANT to see her mother. That is your daughter lashing out and trying to exert some control on a situation she has little control over. It is not that she doesn’t NEED to see her mother.



I am very glad that you do not think this is a good idea.

Experience here says that if you push…they’ll run. And that is not what you have stated you want to happen. You cannot do this. You. Your daughter, however? She can ask. I am all for the MLCer seeing the effect of their decisions upon their children without their rose colored glasses.

I am NOT saying use your children as tools, or pawns in this.
You support your children, you protect them, but you do not limit them from asking the MLCer hard questions…just not YOUR hard questions, do not supply them the questions YOU want answered. You do not pry information out of them, you do not use them to play the MLCer.



That is your pain as well.



You friends and family do not want you to hurt. Or rather they want you to hurt as little as possible, so to them, that means get a divorce and move on. They want what they think is the best for you. And strangely, it is what they think they would do in your shoes…but really? Many of them would ALSO end up here too.



Which one is the truth? Which one isn’t the lie? You tell her the truth of the matter.

However, one of the boundaries of getting back with your wife, might have to be that she and your daughter get a C together. Look in teenage years, the mothers and daughter butt heads, and the fathers and sons butt heads. Its natures’ way of saying almost time to get out of the nest. Does it always happen? No.



That day might come. It might be yelling, or it might be quiet, in order to truly heal some wounds have to be cleansed. She might do it on her own.

About kids…

Lets say that your daughter thinks of you as ‘weak’ for this.
Well…

Your daughter is 13 f-ing years old. She has no idea what weak is, what hard is, or what sacrifice really is. None. None at all.

Her issues with her mother aside.

YOU are the template she will be using when looking for later in life. Is she going to be looking for someone who gives up on her, or who will walk through hell for her? Someone who caters to her, or someone she respects?

At 13 her world is full of wants, not needs. And what she thinks she wants isn’t always in her best interest.

Not giving her everything she wants, might get her to call you all sorts of names, however she will respect you. I wonder if that isn’t a part of it, in some way. If she feels like she can also bend you to her will like she believes her mother is doing?

J3B, you have been listening in on my daughter and I when we have our evening talks after S9 is asleep.

Out of all this hell, my daughter and I have become so very close and talk alot. I want my daughter to remember her father as being strong through this mess. I just hope she will admire the strength of sticking to a commitment later in life.



She has given up on her mother and I guess it is no different than if, GOD forbid, my W had cancer or some other life threatening disease. The difference, of course is the appearance of choice on the part of my W through the eyes of my daughter.



This has been a wrestling point for me. This is where I recognize the defiant 13 year old teenager that I am dealing with that is also testing my boundaries just as my W is doing. I know I need to state that while she may not understand my decisions and disagree with them they are ultimately mine. It is hard to do b/c the last thing I want to do is cause my D13 more pain.





I think I will educate her Counselor on MLC tonight and tell both D13 and C of my decision to see my W through her crisis. I will also let them both know that while I do not know the outcome I/we as a family will be okay no matter what happens.

Thank you Mach1, OP, and J3B.
This is why a came up a couple of floors to this forum, the support and advice here is amazing. I feel like I have a direction to go with tonight and will dictate how I need to support my D13 moving forward. I also think that her C, knowing my desire to fight for the marriage, will be in a better position to help my D13.