Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The tunnel of darkness

Thanks Grace,
Haven't checked in in awhile-just processing the silence from H (Which is fine with me-I really don't want to see/hear from him right now), his lawyer's request..Waffling between a lot of emotions.

I'm emotionally wiped out right now. Trying to just get through this time until my emotions settle and my mind can take the wheel again. Not looking forward to whatever contact with H the divorce/mediation brings.

(((KJ)))

I was also thinking about you and wondering how you were since I hadn't seen you on in a few days.

Silence in regards to your H is probably good for you right now until you get your bearings.

So sorry you are going through this. I know that one of the most upsetting and frustrating things is the fact that you have no say in the D - not your choice at all.

Hope you are able to relax some and have fun with your daughters.

So, haven't seen/talked to H since 1/31. Emailed a bit regarding kid updates(home sick/school stuff) and tax stuff.
Today H cme to the house while I was at work and took his mail. He sent me an email with no message-only the header.."Got my mail. Thanks"

Message from his lawyer to mine is that H wants to spend as much time with our daughter's as he can even though he no place to have them stay over. His lawyer's suggestion was to email me,which he did today, to ask about taking them to dinner tonight.

Since I didn't check my email til after dinner, I left a voicemail message for H saying as such and asking him if he wanted me to take the tax forms to the accountant.

He just called and said he had understood I wanted to look over the tax stuff and he thought that I had previously offered to take it to the acountant so he felt angry that I asked him if he wanted me to take it to the accountant...OY VAY!

At least he used an "I feel" statement!

He said he is taking an 8 week course on mindfulness/meditation..kind of surprising, but can only do him good.

Anyway, he got of the phone quickly as he was angry...Haven't spoken to him him in 10 days and I still get anger...

I really am feeling kind of done. The missing him moments are less frequent. Have felt anger from him for so long, I think that's all I'm going to get. Why would I want to be closer to that?

The lawyer stuff just stresses me out.

Not knowing if I'll be working to just support myself the kids and him-with nothing left over and zero savings stresses me out.

A brand new 2 hour commute to work each day starting Monday, stresses me out.

Would like it to be over and ust move on with my life. I don't think H will ever look back with regret, and if he does it will be years from now and he wouldn't let me know if he did.

Just all makes me so very, very sad. Guess I'm still in mourning.

It is sad girlfriend. It's really sad.

BUT - it's just a moment in time. (I know it doesn't really help, but try to remember it). This moment, out of all of your life is just one moment. These months/ years that you are going through now are refining you and teaching you the things you would never otherwise have had the opportunity to know. Perhaps not much consolation now ... just trust me.

How are the girls coping?

Thinking of you.

V

Hi V-
D14 is coping OK. D12-not so much. She is so full of anger(hatred she says) towards H, primarily for moving home and then leaving again right when she was warming up to him a bit. Feels very betrayed. She won't discuss this with him, so when he is around she just acts sullen and closed off and he doesn't know what she is so upset about.

I haven't stepped into the middle of that one and am just watching from the sidelines, which is painful.

Today was the info meeting on D12's potential Australia trip. H met us there and we had to wait a bit to go through the whole presentation.

I brought up the kids education money(which H's lawyer wants split between us and H now doesn't see as primarily designated for the kids), H got mad and left before we got to the presentation. He's since emailed me and I responded.

H is still so angry at me for anything and everything(yes today I deserved it for bad timing)...I really don't feel like validatng him, walking on eggshells around him...I think he needs to see the reality..I'm not pushing it, but I don't feel like we're in a place to sugar-coat things either...I'm just not sure how well one can divorce-bust during a divorce and I'm not sure I want this divorce busted or feel it is bustable.

I think its inevitable. It has to happen for H to move onward with any hope of coming out of his MLC..If his anger was gone I think I'd feel differently. But as he is so very angry at me, and he is divorcing me and going after my money/assets in a way he said he never would, I think I need to be clear about my (or my girls')wishes/needs when they are being stepped on.

I don't recall reading about any couple going through MLC and divorce and coming back together later? Does this actually happen? I just have a hard time imagining it with all of these negative feelings of anger and hurt and self-preservation flying around.

Anyone?

So, I'd like some opinions on my H's response to my email..

Here's the end of mine to him:



Here's his response(to which I am NOT responding):


Let me say I don't know where he got the 9 months/3 months idea.

My question to all is...is the "I don't know how to deal with you" a MLC 'script? Has anyone else's spouse said that? I think H said that with our first separation and once he asked me for a divorce last May he also started sharing with me and we had no problem 'dealing'.

Since H moved out/filed for divorce I have kept pretty dim-not initiating contact unless needed regarding the kids. Where in the past H would contact me after a bit...this time he really hasn't. The closest we had to a chat was on FB last week.

I'm not trying to read H's mind..just wondering/having self-doubt ..?am I hard to deal with? or could this be a MLC-kind of response. I sometimes have bad timing, but I'm fairly thoughtful, I think, in how I state things or ask things.

Just wondering..

Yep, the I don't know how to deal w/you is a MLC script. Because they are eaten up w/guilt they truly don't know how to deal w/those emotions and us.

He pulled the 9/3 months out of thin air. It's most likely something he thought about and is projecting on to you. Don't let it bother you.

I would let this email sit. He's definitely feeling a bit pressured/threatened by all of the divorce/child issues.

No matter what you do, he will see it as pressure right now. Nothing is going to make him happy, even if you offered up a golden egg to him. Step back, sit quietly and allow him to come to you. I know that you are trying to work w/him in a very cordial manner, but for some reason, he's feeling a bit pressured.

KJ -

Again, so sorry you are having to deal with it. It does sound like the pressure is getting to him and he is projecting in a big way.

Hope you are making this V-day fun with your Valentines. I am happy to have my kids to be mine this year. They are so sweet.:)

Kjensen,

OMG, what your H wrote sounds EXACTLY like what my ex has said. The coldness is enough to break the heart. Hang in there, he is following the script to a tee.

Thanks for all the input ladies!
Took the girls to see Valentine's Day today and did get a bit weepy-but it was cute.

Hung out at home with the girls,did some cleaning and organizing for my new life with less time at home and more commuting as of tomorrow.. made some roast, did some baking.

H mailed both girls valentines with $20. Don't think he contacted them today though. H's mom called to say she was thinking of me. My mom sent us girls flowers..so an OK day overall.

Reading about compassion and forgiveness. Trying to be the person I will look back on and admire as I go through this awful process of divorce.