Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

Heh heh, I was thinking the same thing Sandi.

You mean you think I will use the information to point the finger at my ex and not accept any responsibilities for our situation?

I'm really just looking to them for a way to deal with the pain I'm feeling. To actually get the full effects of the two dealing with infidelity my ex would have to actually want to come back and work things out.

She's not in any position emotionally to read anything relationship-centered and actually take any of it to heart. While it would probably be quite enlightening to her to read some of each of them...so she could see how I'm feeling and understand her own feelings towards the OM better...she would likely throw the books in my face if I asked her to read any of them.

So they're just for me...in the hopes that I can use what I learn to accept and maybe care less about what's happened to me. Once I begin to not care so much...I might be able to start moving on.

A prime example of what I said.

How so Sandi?

I try to live by "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" but you seem to be asking for it.

I don't want to put words in Sandi's mouth so I'll tell you what your response says to me.

You are acting like a spoiled, selfish child who is pouting because he didn't get his way. People here try to help you by giving you sound advice, but you didn't like what they said so you ignored it. Then you came back whining that you did everything wrong and pushed your ex further away but you can't understand why she won't just do what you want. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Everything is all about you. YOU want your ex back. YOU want your family together. YOU want ex to stop seeing OM because YOU don't like it. You're mad because ex is not saying/doing/feeling/thinking what YOU think she should. Everything would be fine if she would just realize that she is wrong and YOU are right.

Unless you start to address your own shortcomings you will be stuck indefinitely. It's hard work but it's necessary and at this point it's all you have left.

But like I said before, I'm sure that's not what you want to hear so you'll just brush it aside and contine your pursuing behavior until your ex gets a restraining order.

I would say you're right...I am being selfish and in many ways acting like a spoiled child would when throwing a tantrum. Though I would hardly call the way my ex acted sometimes in our relationship as "spoiling" me.

But it seems like the flip side of the coin is that my ex is being equally selfish...everything on her side is all about her and she's even said that. She doesnt care that what she did hurt and continues to hurt me or our family. She's mad because I'm not doing/thinking/etc the way she wants me to. In her mind everything would be fine if I just accepted her bailing on our relationship and accepted her new relationship with the OM...essentially just agree that she did the right thing and be her friend/co-parent...and to hell with my own feelings.

It takes two people to make a relationship...yet only one to decide its over. To me thats the ultimate in BS. People that go around thinking that the tingly "in-love" experience is supposed to last forever in "good" relationships and that relationships dont need nurturing and tending to...that they dont need constant work by both partners to be successful happy relationship...are ludicrous.

Why does she get to be selfish but not me? Why am I wrong for wanting to at least try to keep a family together before one goes running off to be with a lover?

If I had left her and our daughter for another woman because I wasnt happy and I wasnt interested in working on the problems...who here wouldnt consider me to be the biggest scumbag that walked the earth?

And as I've said before, I did get good advice...and I'm grateful for it even though I didnt follow it. But from the way my ex acts, I think even had I followed it to the letter it wouldnt make a difference. As the WAS description goes...she probably checked out long before she said we were done...and she had been building the friendship, then EA, with the OM the whole time...and based on assumptions that I am incapable of change she doesnt even bother to try to work things out.

But no...I wont allow this to go to the restraining order stage. The only restraining order I'd like to see in this sitch is against the OM being around my daughter because my ex doesnt have the sense not to carry on with him in front of her...but I think that could only be done if he has a criminal record. So again my ex is selfish about her own needs and our daughter loses.

Any yes...I sound bitter because I am. As I see it in this situation I'm coming out on the losing end...losing both my family and my ex...having to go through all this pain. She on the other hand gets a life of excitement with this OM, no responsibility with her dad's money and no bills, and no worries as she is the one who decided to end the relationship therefore off the hook.

It must be nice to be able to unilaterally make a decision that affects not one but 3 lives (at the very least) and have no consequences/reprocussions.

But oh well...I can do nothing but leave her alone...and leave me alone in the process.

That's your justification for not trying because it was too hard for you. Nothing would have worked anyway so why bother trying. For the record, most of people here encounter the same behaviors from their WAS's--that's why it's called "script." But they do the hard work of self examination and stick with the program and sometimes their WAS comes back. Mine did. Sometimes they end up D'd but so much happier with themselves.

It's really too bad for you. You are wasting a great opportunity for personal growth. If you don't find something good in all of this mess of pain then it will have been for nothing.

The central advice I've received from everyone involved leaving my ex alone and working on myself. I can still do that, in spite of the pressure/pursuing I've done with my ex...it's only been 2 months and is still early in the grand scheme of things.

I dont think what I've done has made her stance on me get worse...she wasnt confused and wondering...shes had her mind made up and was only looking for excuses to say "See it's not my fault". What happened last Friday is a perfect example, given that she said she decided to be exclusive with the OM earlier in the week, before I was still "getting chances" and spending time with her in her words.

But as I said, I can still leave her alone and work on myself (and to avoid a restraining order will do so)...but I dont see her changing. And after more than a few months of this, I cant say for certain I would want her back. I dont know that I could trust her not to do this to me again when a 51 year old or 61 year old showed her some attention that she refused to ask directly for from me like an adult.



Sometimes I wonder if it isnt all for nothing anyway. Why am I shedding even a single tear over someone who probably never gave a crap for me in the first place? You dont do this to someone you care about. And yet I do shed tears...it's sad really.

Ns, I know this is hard for you. I hope you can read the frustration from the others here who are trying to help you with absolutely no avail. I have a R.O. on me, so I can speak from experience. At your present frame of mind and failure to listen to any advice, I predict you will have a R.O. by the end of this month. You are acting as if someone took your marbles and will not give them back. Trust me when I tell you this, you think you got problems, if you don't get yourself together, when she gets a R.O. I don't think you will be able to handle it. STOP!!! Stop with the porn movies in your mind starring your W and OM, you are just punishing yourself and making you pursue even harder. When I read your sich, you make this sound like a competition between you and OM. This is not a situation of whos the strongest or fastest or can throw the ball the farthest. This is an emotional situation that at least for now, you are on the sideline and the coach(W) will not let you play. You must accept that for you to be able to go on. Nothing is worse when you can do nothing(my situation). Don't be foolish or inmature to join me in this exclusive club.

I have never suggested to anyone to cheat, but your self esteem is so low that I think that would give you some help, if another woman could stand to put up with your whinning. I know some of the things I am saying you don't like, but I say it in love because you are surely heading for disaster.Other than praying, there is NOTHING you can do right now.I'll say it again, other than praying, there is NOTHING you can do right now. Man, I know that hurts but stop for a moment and soak that in. When you accept that(it was hard for me also), you will understand and be able to implement the suggestions you have been getting.

Do you want to at least have a shot at saving your M??? Do you??? Then stop what you are currently doing and detach. Because you are so geek up from being rejected, you can't even see that your situation is so bad, at least it wasn't but you just keep pushing. I would take your situation in a heartbeat.

Do yourself, your kid, your family, and your friends here a favor and go dark as much as posiible. Not to get back at your W, but to help you, to stabalize your mind and emotions. Until that is accomplished by you and only you. You have no shot. Is that what you want?? I don't think so. I know its hard. I know its the hardest thing you have ever had to do, but you must get it done.

You feel you are on the losing end, because you have been bad and need to be punished. Maybe that why you are keeping this up, your W punishes you and all of us too.You can stop feeling that way if you will just do whats been suggested.

CAN YOU DO IT NSW1222?? WILL YOU DO IT????

Pearl is right about the carnage here. What exactly have you done to "work on yourself"? And why are you still linking working on yourself to desired reactions from her? The amount of blame and immaturity in this thread is staggering. This is not criticism, just stating facts - it's up to you to decide if you want to acknowledge it and truly do something about it.

Thus far, you have been bleating about how much you love and care for your SO when it is patently obvious you treat her as a possession. There are ways that Cs use to help you move on if that is your mindset, it's very different from wanting the relationship and family together out of love.

And really stop blaming OM for stepping in and harming the reconciliation of your family. You're doing most of the work in that area. He's just feeding off the carcass.

Decide what you want. Helping you cope and move on depends on what you choose.