So you're now punishing your daughter because you felt like lashing out. Good. You're certainly doing your part to see that all those misfortunes fall on your D3 because you can't work on being a good coparent. par for the course.
yeah...my family pointed out as well that that would be punishing D3. So when my ex comes over tomorrow I will tell her that goodnite phone calls are ok as long as I get the same courtesy in return.
And yeah...I said things I shouldnt have...though that doesnt mean what I said wasnt necessarily true.
but like I said...I told her things didnt have to be this way if I'm was getting another chance. I put the ball in her court and I'm going to stick to my decision.
If she never chooses to come back, then it's on her. She's put me through so much hell for reasons that could be easily resolved if she'd sat down and talked like an adult rather than throwing a tantrum to get her way. But I'm almost positive she was either already with the OM or was interested in being with him when she left.
I did get sage advice from people on here...and I do want to offer my thanks for their trying even though I was stupid and didnt follow it. I honestly think my ex's mind was made up when she left, and no matter what I did/do she was still going to be with the OM before giving me a chance. Essentially that makes me the backup guy...and thats unacceptable.
I dunno...knowing me I'll have changed my mind by tomorrow. But as my ex says it's too little too late. And I actually believe thats a good thing at this point...maybe it will keep me from trying or wanting to try. At least maybe I can move on with my life.
[quote] you already got millions of chances. whats the true story? what have you been doing to make her so miserable?
you mean why she left? it was because I didnt pay her enough attention or do things with her like we did when we were first dating, I was overprotective of our daughter, and I did everythig around the house and wouldnt let her do anything which made her feel like a guest in her own home.
sure...that kind of stuff would tend to get old after a while...but none of it is stuff that couldnt easily be changed if she had communicated it to me. In fact I really dont do any of that anymore. Of course with her not being here I still have to do all the stuff around the house...but if she were here I wouldnt have a problem letitng her do stuff, going out places and getting a babysitter, etc.
but she made up her mind...says it's too little too late because she had to leave to get me to notice what the problems were and work on them.
so that's it. and now, if she wasnt before she's certainly with the OM...and they're gonna be doing all kinds of disgusting things that I dont even want to think about. so if that's how she wants to be...if she is so selfish that she values her own desires above her daughters needs and well being...then theres nothing I can do.
I did message her and tell her that if she wanted to call and say goodnight to our daughter any night she could but I would ask for the same courtesy in return.
In the meanwhile, I've taken down all the photos of her in the house. While they are nice photos all they do is remind me of the past and what's currently going on with her and the OM, and I want to look ahead to the future, even if its without her.
Is it just me...or will my ex not let me look towards the future? I was ready to let go...but now I dont know.
She responded to my message about talking to our daughter, which ended up becoming a text message conversation:
Me: If you want to call and say goodnite to D3 any night its fine but I would ask you for the same courtesy in return when she's with you. It's up to you. Ex: Thats fine. I always respected your wishes I just wish you would respect my wishes in what I want. It hurt that you feel I cheated on you cuz I didnt. ... Me: I really do wish we could get along and I could respect your wishes, but do you see how hard it would be for me? Me: I cant just pretend the last 7 years didnt happen. In one swoop I lost my best friend and lover. And aside from my own loss, I feel like I've failed D3. Me: While I do want you to be happy, I dont thoink I could live with being your friend after we've been more. KNowing that the best I could get is a hug while you shared the more intimate side with someone else would be too painful I think. Me: While you may not agree with how I feel do you at least understand why this is so hard for me? Ex: I do but you know how I feel and what I want so why keep pressuring me? Me: Since all this happened it has been a constant internal struggle between common sense and emotion. Ex: I just dont see why we cant get along for D3 and accept what happened. Me: I dont know. Part of me wants that too. But the other part of me.... Me: I mean as much as it may not show, us not gettig along is adding to my hurt. Me: I think the answer lies in what I said before. Knowing the best I could get is a hug while you share your more intimate side with someone else would be so painful. Me: Plus I dont know that you would really be comfortable with it either. I dunno. I'm still scared and confused about the whole situation. Me: To me it still seems possible to make the wrong decision. And I've made so many with respect to the situation. I really dont know what to do. Me: I mean...if you have any ideas whatsoever that would let you be happy and keep me from feeling hurt at the same time I would be glad to have them. ---
She wants me to accept the way things are, get along (and probably even be friends), and not have any feelings about it.
I mean some might see this as the opportunity to pave the way for reconciliation...but I dont want to hang around her knowing what she's doing at night with the OM and what its done to my family, and I dont want to be her backup.
What the hell? Why do I have to accept how she feels but she cant accept how I feel?
I was ready to be done...and now she's stirred conflict in me again. And nothing has really changed...she's going to be with OM and I'm still going to be hurting.
She responded to my message about talking to our daughter, which ended up becoming a text message conversation:
Me: If you want to call and say goodnite to D3 any night its fine but I would ask you for the same courtesy in return when she's with you. It's up to you. Ex: Thats fine. I always respected your wishes I just wish you would respect my wishes in what I want. It hurt that you feel I cheated on you cuz I didnt. ... Me: I really do wish we could get along and I could respect your wishes, but do you see how hard it would be for me? Me: I cant just pretend the last 7 years didnt happen. In one swoop I lost my best friend and lover. And aside from my own loss, I feel like I've failed D3. Me: While I do want you to be happy, I dont thoink I could live with being your friend after we've been more. KNowing that the best I could get is a hug while you shared the more intimate side with someone else would be too painful I think. Me: While you may not agree with how I feel do you at least understand why this is so hard for me? Ex: I do but you know how I feel and what I want so why keep pressuring me? Me: Since all this happened it has been a constant internal struggle between common sense and emotion. Ex: I just dont see why we cant get along for D3 and accept what happened. Me: I dont know. Part of me wants that too. But the other part of me.... Me: I mean as much as it may not show, us not gettig along is adding to my hurt. Me: I think the answer lies in what I said before. Knowing the best I could get is a hug while you share your more intimate side with someone else would be so painful. Me: Plus I dont know that you would really be comfortable with it either. I dunno. I'm still scared and confused about the whole situation. Me: To me it still seems possible to make the wrong decision. And I've made so many with respect to the situation. I really dont know what to do. Me: I mean...if you have any ideas whatsoever that would let you be happy and keep me from feeling hurt at the same time I would be glad to have them. ---
/quote]
WEAKNESS.
Supplicating, pursuing, needy/grabby and melty-man, all wrapped up into one.
My boundary was I would not be her friend if she moved on with another man. She has moved on with the OM...so I will not be her friend.
I'm gonna try to be a good coparent and not to be an ass...but I cant look at her anymore without thinking about that OM all over her...that 41 year old OM all over her.
I'm wondering if she's gonna flip out if she sees the pictures have been taken down and the locks have been changed. I'm not gonna bring it up...and I only did it so I dont have to see her face when I walk around my home and so that neither she nor anyone else who had a copy of our key could come over and take something while I'm not home (or in the case of the OM, bash my head in while I AM home).
I think I'll read the ALRT pages in DR again. Though if I dont want to be with her anymore...is that really helping me?
I get the impression she really doesnt want much to do with you.
"Ex: I do but you know how I feel and what I want so why keep pressuring me?"
she has told you how she feels and what she wants. why do you keep pressuring her?
you do realize that you can use this as a "chance" to learn YOURSELF, achieve PERSONAL happiness and overcome your CODEPENDENCY issues. LET GO of the anger and learn to ACCEPT other people for who they are.
