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Neutral Territory it is! Now for master plan "look even more fabulous" to start. T- 3 Weeks...

I've posted on everyone else's threads tonight, so my own will be short. I'm feeling really good the last two days. Had a moment with myself in the car just thinking about better times with H, its nice to be OK with those moments and not feel guilty about it. I'm owning my feelings well these days and now ALL of them make me stronger - the good and the bad. Hmmmmmm.....

Well.. Goodnight all. 13 hours today and I'm exhausted!

Talia

Glad to hear you're doing good still. I haven't talked with my WAW much lately, been doing good outwardly and so-so inwardly with that. My most recent trouble is my dad lately. Something was going to give and it did so I'm staying somewhere else for tonight at least, looking at an apartment Sunday. Have a look at page 2: my crazy sitch - anyways, I'll keep my head up and probably have an easier time with GAL, but it might turn rough when it comes to the sitch with the kids. Their mom hurt them bad enough by not being around much, I can't believe my dad did something to jeopardize even more relationships, and now I'm leaning towards moving out of the home my children are in. There's always tomorrow, I'll see what it brings.

Talia. reflection can only make us stronger. Keep the good moments as well as the bad moments. It will keep the bitterness at bay.

Thanks Cutter! I cherish both moments, the good ones remind me why I'm fighting and the bad ones remind me what I need to avoid. I never thought I would be empowered by those feelings.


Journaling....
Its funny, before I met H I wasn't EVER going to get married. I didn't want that for my life. My mom always said I would feel differently when I met the right person... and TA DA there it was.I digress... The funny thing is, early on, I kept saying "I wish I never would have married him, This is why I was never going to get married"... but I've realized that being married to H was one of the best things in my life so far. I don't regret it at all, even if we D. I've learned alot, I have alot of great parts of my life now that he influenced and even through this seperation and him leaving - this has given me a part of myself I never understood until now.

I've always said that I wouldn't change the decisions I've made in the past because each one made me into the person I am now and I like that person... I don't think I truly felt that way about myself these last few years, but I do again. Thats a great feeling.


Oh... and the bitterness...it only pops up a little now and then... It goes well with pizza rolls and pina coladas and movies about wives who get even......

]quote=talia]I've always said that I wouldn't change the decisions I've made in the past because each one made me into the person I am now and I like that person... I don't think I truly felt that way about myself these last few years, but I do again. Thats a great feeling.[/quote]

I love this because that's how I felt/feel. Sounds like you're moving in the right direction. Keep up the good work.

I read through your entire sitch a couple days ago but now have forgotten...what are you doing for GAL activities?

UMMM GAL...
I'm running, I took a salsa class and I just signed up today for a belly dancing class - that should be FUN!, I've joined several meet up groups for things I'm interested in, I've got a regular funny movie & junk food date with a girlfriend, I'm starting to talk to other single people - not really dating but looking, I spent alot of time with friends and family, I got a makeover, new clothes and new hair color, cut, style, I'm renovating my house which has been very healing, more involved in religous activities, cooking....

I think thats everything...

Sounds fun! I just knew we'd have things in common. I love my dance classes. I'm trying to start to run so my first goal is to run a 5K (that's a lot for a total non-runner!). New look is a lot of fun too. I spent way too much money but have a fab new wardrobe. What renovations are you doing on your house? I've remodeled 3.5 bathrooms so I'm an expert tiler now.

Hey Pearl,
I am gutting my basement, walled it off to make the bedroom it should have had when it was built - all the stuff there but not the wall... when thats done I'll be able to get a roommate if I need to. I painted all the trim in the house white - to update. Painted all the walls. Painted the kitchen cabinets white - new countertops go in next week... I will re-tile my bathroom to finish a tiling project started 2 years ago by H but I won't start that until its warmer here so we can cut tile outside with the water saw I installed new carpet everywhere, New light fixtures, bought a new dining room set and I'm swapping living room furniture with my sister - she's going to put mine in her den because she got new stuff for her living room. I'm taking her old living room stuff because it matches my new paint. I re-ran the wiring in most of the rooms to the cable outlets are on the the proper walls and then re-arranged the rooms properly for Fung Shu. I still need to make curtains for every room since I took down the old yucky mini blinds...

I think thats everything. I'm still in the middle of it and there's ALOT to do - but its been my life saver the last few months. Kept me busy and distracted. It looks amazing!!!!! I've named the project "excising demons" - its a big joke now in my family. So many of the house issues before stemmed around some poor choices of mine and it feels REALLY good to right that wrong for myself.

It looks nothing like it did when H lived here - all my design now. The last time he was here I was sleeping the in the dining room and everything I owned was in the living room , the bedroom area was platic-ed off and we were spraying primer everywhere. The basement was gutted to the concrete and there were holes in the walls where we were pulling electrical wires everywhere. I don't know if he would like it or not - someone asked me that the other day. I know he hates white woodwork... I can honestly say I made every decision on what to do with the house based on what I like and want - without considering him. Its going to be my home for a while - so its what I like!!!

I'm on the fence about letting him see it. I'm afraid if he does he will want to fight me for it because its all fixed up nicely now and also because I don't want to listen to him criticize it. Thats all he did before he left - criticize - nothing was ever good enough for him. I don't want to listen to him do that to something that I've put my heart into for the last 4 months and something I am extremely proud of!

Well anyway... I'm rambling. Now I'm off to work to complete what will end up being a 60 hour week. No rest for the wicked I guess, not when H won't help with the bills anyway!!!

Have a great day everyone!

Talia

I'm having remodeling flashbacks reading your last post. Tile saw was the best $100 we spent in all of the projects. We didn't have one for the first bathroom and totally learned that lesson! Don't you feel so empowered and kick ass when you can do your own electrical and plumbing work? Ok, so I can't do major work, but enough to know that I can fix things I don't like. And I love that I have my own tools.

Hmm, not sure about white trim. I may share you're H's feelings on that one. I have original stained trip upstairs but everything is painted in the finished basement. I just love old, dark stained wood and I hate to see it covered up. But if it's light stained oak then I say paint it all!

I say don't let him see it until you're D is final or you're well into reconciling. Right now he doesn't need to know what's going on inside the house. You love it and that's all that matters.

If you're on FB I'd love to see before and after pics!

And speaking of home improvement projects, I started remodeling my bedroom closet last summer and let it slide. BF is starting to hound me to get it done so he can have his closet back. I'm off to paint.

Hey Pearl!

I do feel empowered and I have a deep sense of pride when I sit in my living room and look around. It feels amazing to put so much into something that needed TLC so badly.

The woodwork was light oak. It looks really nice white and it's given the whole house a fresher, more contemporary look! I wouldn't have done it if it was stained dark - I LOVE that look too! But since I coudln't afford to replace it all a few cans of primer/paint go a long way.

I'll post before and after's on FB when we are done. Just a couple more weeks I hope! I can't wait...

The funny thing about letting H see it - I really only want him to becuase I want him to see how much better it is - at least I recognize that I'm looking for some EN's from him and I now understand that I can't get them from him. Its unlikely he would respond in a way that would be fulfilling for me so I need to just get them somewhere else! I'm amazed 1) that I still want those EN's from him sometimes 2) that I've come far enough to recognize and deal in a more empowering way.
I guess I'll just play the house thing out - I really don't want any negative energy there - its my happy zone.

I still haven't responded to his little temper tantrum last week. I do need to get back to him as some point about when we can talk. Ugh... I don't want to deal with what I assume will be a healthy dose of little boy anger when I tell him I'm not going to do this his way. I'll call him tonight and just get it over with. End of this week it will be 5 months since he left. I can't believe how time flies, that I got through the holidays, that I'm seeing the light on my grief, really that I've come this far in general. I can actually imagine a day where he is gone into his crazy land and I'm fine. That thought still scares me, but I can imagine it and see myself thriving.

Anyway... I better actually get some work done today. I'm looking forward to my first Bellydance class tonight!

Talia