I find detaching very good right now. Only because he hurts me so much when we get around together.
Quote: November 17 is four weeks away, that's a month, a lot can happen between now and then.
Oh, I hope and pray so! Though the more I think on it the better I feel about ending my r with h. My h says that he'd not want to be with someone married especially me since I could put us through the d again.
Quote: Did you buy Michelle's books?
No, but I will get them. Currently, I check out the library's copy every now and then.
What's you H like? How was his R with his mom and dad? Is in interested in any sports...just wondering. Does he have brothers or sisters? Or maybe nosey.
Most of the problems I'm having with my h are the same ones his mother has with him.
His mom was in 3 relationships, 2 divorces, has children from each relationship so my h has 1-stepbrother and 1 stepsister and 2 stepsisters on stepfather 3's side (they don't talk because they don't like Jeff's mom being married to thier dad!). His mother's family is very, very affectionate yet do not talk about issues they have with one another. My h has nothing to do with his fathers' families and only just met his biological father last month of which his mother knows nothing about. He refused to talk to his mom about it since she hold a lot of animosity toward his father still...doesn't think he's a good example for Jeff.
My h likes to drink, party, is very avoidant, dodger of conflict, Likes Howard Stern/South Park and shows like Paradise Hotel, non-existant father yet a good provider monetarily and a very hard worker. He's active with his kids now at the urging of his mother. He doesn't talk about anything! not even work or his friends there...he becomes very talkative when drunk.
My h has been divorced before...said his x-w had an A during separation and married the om. I met his x-w, she's very very pretty..we didn't talk but I was in the middle of a name calling episode between them. My h was cursing her out to which she ignored him! They were married for little under 2 years...no kids.
I understand my h to be very, very insecure. Gets very offended when someone he loves doesn't do exactly what they say! Like if I say I'm going to the store and will be back in about 30 minutes...if I'm not back in the alloted time he gets very upset! He likes to be the center of his w world to the exclusion of extended family and his kids. Absolutely no one should intrude on OUR time together...no phone calls, nothing! He's not a very patient man. In a fit a rage, has smacked his kids in the face and hit one in the leg with the end of a broken golf club. Due to his job he sleeps a lot on the day when we are together as a family. Pretty much does what is convenient for him based on how he's feeling at that moment. I don't doubt he loves his kids but does not know how to be a father. Doesn't have many friends that he is close to because he doesn't give of himself even in just conversation.
First of all, wow! That poor guy, what a life. Sounds like he has some control issues, also. The time thing, going to the store and not back when you say you're going to be, is kind of normal (sorry guys that aren't like this, I do stereo type a lot don't I? But in my world I do hear this from a lot of my woman friends).
He didn't have very good role models did he, thus why getting d'ed might not bother him too much and why he thinks he's doing okay as a father--he's doing what he was brought up with. It's been a part of his life, the life he knows.
So patience, time, compassion are what this man needs and then more patience, time and compassion.
You're the stronger one here Cindy my girl, thus you're going to have to do more of the work..not fair?! I know, but it's reality..for now.
I do have the upmost compassion for my h. He's just so unable to meet other peoples' needs. I don't know if that is because he can't empathize or if he just doesn't want to do it because he hates being controlled. Maybe both? I read that an avoidant sees intimacy as weak and that they are oblivious of their feelings and the feelings of others.
Like his mom, she doesn't know why he comes to visit her because he never says more than a couple of words, doesn't initiate affection, pretty much sits in front of the TV the whole time...she rightly assumes that he loves her but feels left out of his life because he doesn't 'talk' to her. I feel the same way.
I don't push him but you know if I don't say 2 words for him in a month...he's fine with it. That's hard for me...I love to talk to him, hear ANYTHING he has to say but he won't talk. And then he gets upset if I see that as his not loving me.
He doesn't want me to push at all to even ask for what I need is a no, no!
Since our separation, all this stuff I'm asking for is not new...I've been asking for more conversation and affection for 7 years (once a year I would ask) but to no avail.
I just don't know how to reach him anymore. I try to lead by example and not saying anything, i try saying something once a year, i say that when he doesn't do x it hurts my feelings, i write him letters, i love up on him in the hopes he'll return it, but i still get NOTHING! I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
People say it's him because of his messed up life...well ok then fix it. Get over your childhood and fix it so we can be happy NOW. But he continues to put his feelings in the closet and just seeth resentment and anger out at me and the kids.
I'm sorry but I'm human and can only take so much of this treatment...and that is why I ultimately moved out. The kids were even starting to wonder if they were adopted because their dad didn't seem to like them much less act like a dad!!!!
I know he needs something! But what is it? And is it really something to do with me? I know I aggravate the situation by expressing my needs...he feels pressured. But when will be the time I get what I need? When will he fix what is wrong with him? I've waited a year and the only thing that has changed is his treatment of the boys...he's more involved with them. As for me, he treats me the same way. (I do have to say that when he's drunk he's the man of my dreams...but drunkeness is only one Saturday night a month!)
Rats! Don't know if this situation will get fixed. But I'm praying and trusting that God is bigger than my h! That's all I have to hang on to now....not anything that I do has worked so far.
My h called me last night at 2:43am, 2:45am, 2:49am, and 3:19am!!!! What is up with that? I didn't answer it because I was dealing with my mom who is an invalid and also because I was afraid to hear what he had to say!!!
I'm thinking that is when he got in from the club and wanted me to know. He's probably trying to figure out when our son's soccer game starts, I guess. I have all kinds of ideas running through my head...none of them having to do with NICE stuff about our r.
I'll let ya'll know if he says anything at the soccer game this morning! My stomach is so upset!! And I only slept 4 hours!!!
Made it back from the soccer game! My h said nothing about the phone calls nor did I mention them. He stayed away from me so i also kept my distance. He did follow us to the restaurant but sat in a different section. He told our son that if he continues to get ignored he will not be coming to another game. I said ok, go ahead. But I only said that in my head. I took it to mean he was upset at being ignored by the boys so 2nd game i had them hang out with him.
He left and I left without saying more than a handful of words to each other. I'm off to sleep now...way too stressful day!
Sounds like H has a drinking problem. Have you considered this? I could be way off base, but sure does sound like it to me.
You say he's the man of your dreams when he is drunk. That tells me his personality changes when he is drinking...and yet, you also paint him as very impatient, self-centered, and selfish...everything has to revolve around him. You have also pointed out that he has anger issues, as well.
It really sounds to me like you need some advice from Alanon in addition to db'ing. Have you considered going for yourself? Alanon address issues that spouses of alcoholics are faced with....
If I am way off base here, sorry...if not, hope this helps.
Well things have been quiet! My boys and I made it back from camping and we had SO MUCH FUN!!!! It was great to get away.
This afternoon I have to get geared up to see my h at the soccer practice. I plan to keep ignoring him unless he approaches me. It's so hard to do but other than the phone calls on Friday he's made no contact.
How much longer do I play hard to get?
My attorney has scheduled the continuance for the SAME DAY as the divorce hearing! The papers about the continuance will be in his mailbox tomorrow! I expect to draw fire when he gets them!!! Yikes.
What do I say when he asks why am I seeking the continuance when he's already told me he wants the d?
