Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers He said he is done!!

Okay this is a DBing step by the way. Now when you find yourself are you going to say "It's over" or "I should have tried?"

I was a LBS with a WAW in full blown PA so I know what the thought process is, and it doesn't happen overnight. Right know your HISSED OFF - remember you have time to think about it.

Not saying your wrong for either decisioin, make sure it's for YOU and YOURS not anyone else.

Thanks for the advise -
I have to do this for ME and my kids. They can no longer see me have panic attacks nor can I have them. H has clearly stating he WILL NOT try - does not want to try and hasn't wanted to in years. Boy did I have blinders on. I think back over the past year and the signs had been there - I just ignored them because I believed he had better character and would never go outside the marriage.

I am going to continue to educate myself though DB - I want someday (not anytime soon) to have a happy healthy trusting relationship - I never want to be in this place again.

I am not going to file today - but I need to ensure that the children are taken care of - so true that I am HISSED off right now - cool off period is needed.

If NOTHING else comes of it, cooling off will allow you to focus.

Either way you chose to go you'll need to take the high road. It is ( and was for me) the toughest thing to learn- but it will help YOU & YOURS if you do not act from anger.

I liked to go the other (low road) for along time. Show my a$$, make remarks, be hissed - it's a wonder i ever was able to 180 after I found out @ my W's A. But I did and things were looking up for ME, before she came back and we began piecing.

The reason i mention looking up for ME is, and I think you mentioned it another post, applying this DBing Stuff works in all types of relationships.

So if you are DBing or Just D ing- Stay COOL, CALM, CALCULATED and FOCUSED - handle yourself with dignity, stay on course and yes -smile at the S.O.B. the whole time (that is gauranteed to HISS him off!)!

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Either way you chose to go you'll need to take the high road. It is ( and was for me) the toughest thing to learn- but it will help YOU & YOURS if you do not act from anger.

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I am trying really hard not to show my anger - I know that one day I will be okay - I am so worried about my children.

My D13 Birthday is coming up and my mother in law wants to take everyone out to dinner - How do I sit at the same table with H this soon ? She has suggested that H do something with D alone - if I tell him I can not go be at the same table with him for D birthday - I am now the "B" - and how will this effect my D! Do I just do it and put on a happy face ?

HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH!

YOU ARE NOT THE CHEATER!!

I go back and forth in my head - my head and my heart are not talkinig the same language right now. How did you do it ? even if my H and I do not get back together we still have to be friends for the kids sake. How do you forgive or trust again ?

You don't have to be "friends"...your friend would never treat you like your H has.

Being cordial and respectful for the kids sake is fine but no friendship should be the consequence.

One thing I want to point out is the power of a specific action that happened in this situation. It seems most WAS's have the technique mastered but the LBS's are clueless about it.

The power of saying, "I've had ENOUGH!", "I'm done", etc.

Up until that point, you didn't jump to action, you didn't move with the speed of thought to fix your problems and show your spouses how much you want them.

Why not use this knowledge and gosh darn it, you should all be using this knowledge to your advantage and turn it around on your WAS's.

"I've had enough!"

"I'm done!"

And turn around and go off in the opposite direction.

What you're doing now doesn't work, you can chase your spouse, preach undying love and devotion but that seems to have the opposite effect, they maintain their distance or even lengthen it to keep away from you.

So why not try the opposite,
tell them "I am done, I've had enough, this is too much work and it's not worth it to me anymore, have a good life because I know I'm not wasting my life convincing you that I'm worth it, I've been so dumb to waste so much of my time on this and now I finally see that it's over and I'm glad because now I get to enjoy my life!!!"

But you're all afraid to do this,
my question is, if you've technically lost your spouse, what are you afraid of losing now? You can't LOSE LOSE them.

Communicate to them that you're done, maintain your distance, show them you mean it by not contacting them anymore, getting a real life (not fake GAL'ing like alot of you are doing) and watch what happens. You move away and I bet you quite a few of your WAS's would change direction because although you have lost them, they currently still have you, they haven't lost you, they know they could have you at any time, watch what would happen if you let go or more accurately, removed yourself from their grasp.

Update - I have learned many facts over the past few days. I am not chasing - no preaching my love. I had it out with him the other day told him I was done - told him I could not do this. Got in my car and LEFT!

However there is contact b/c of the kids - I keep it to that.