Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers someone please help

You know how they say opposites attract...

So, she was more of the aggressor when you met and in most of the relationship right?

You are shy and weren't the aggressor most of the time right?


Now you are doing some pursuing right?
She isn't pursuing right?

When she was pursuing and your weren't pursuing, THAT was what worked right?

Now that she isn't pursuing SHE doesn't feel right.. right?



So.. She is MORE comfortable and feels right when she pursues. (remember opposites attract)She knew that you were shy from the get go... Aggressive women usually choose shy reserved men and vice versa.. They KNOW they have a shy man. They are attracted to them because the man is the opposite in that regard. Two aggressive people would be a lot of fighting for control. She knows this. You should too.

You feel more comfortable being shy and laid back.

So, her comfort level is to her what your comfort level is to you. Now that she isn't chasing you, she feels uncomfortable. I would bet that she IS chasing someone. Why not make it you..

Your answer is to go back to what worked for you. NOT chasing is what worked with this woman. She won't feel comfortable until she is chasing. That puts her feelings back to those of feeling "love".. She feels love when she pursues. When she isn't pursuing then she feels bored and out of wack.


Make her chase you. Let her go. Stop all pursuit and tell her that maybe it is best that she leave. Just act like it is no big deal to you. She THEN would want to get back to her comfort level.. which is pursuing... you need to know how to make her pursue and yet be able to know when to get rid of shy boy for the night once in a while... Women like men who are decisive. A shy man can be very decisive. Be decisive here. Tell her that she is right, maybe she should move out. You are who you are and you realize you made mistakes, but you have realized that if she chooses to go that you will be perfectly fine without her..

Lead her back to chasing you. That is what will trip her trigger. You had her going when she came back after two weeks (see, she pursued AGAIN then)


You have to learn how to "close" the deal. You need to learn when to be your shy self and when not to. When to pursue and when not to. Now is the time to NOT pursue. Let her go. She WANTS to pursue because it is her comfort zone. Allow her to get back to that zone and her feelings will come back.

sounds really good on paper, but i'm sorry for being a doubter. According to her...she's doesn"t have that feeling of sexual comfort with me. Sort of brother-sister feeling. We don't fight or argue and are in agreement most of the time. I admit to not really trying new things (Sexually) in the past but I do desire to be adventurous. The task is to get her to open up to the Possibility that we can have a sex life. Right now she seems closed to that.!!

I don't want to speak for anyone else, but the first order of priority is going to be gaining back your W's RESPECT. A woman will not love a man she does not respect. And a woman will not respect a man who she perceives pursues in a desperate manner.

ok...how do i gain respect?? i discussed it intelligently ( I think). I did not beg or cry or plead. I tried to suggest she and i ( or just she) talk to a counsellor to try to get help here.

BINGO.

Puppy

And why do you suppose that is, Rob??

Puppy

Have to run for an after work function. But the short answer is (and puppy, feel free to jump in) you need to act as if you are fine without her. Not in an a$$hole kind of way, but in a hey, you don't want me, ok, I will be ok.

Do some really hard examination of the ways you think you are not pursuing - all that matters is what SHE perceives, and often times, that has little to do with reality.

Make plans for yourself. Go out to dinner with friends. Basically GAL'ing.

Just don't be so available to her.

You garner respect by standing up to her, when it's a principled stand.

You garner respect by leading your family, and not being led by it.

You garner respect when you do The Right Thing, rather than the thing that won't make her angry -- and then face her blowback with calm strength.

You garner respect by conveying a sense of PURPOSE in your life, like "Hey, I've got places to go, and things to accomplish. I love you, and would really like for you to be along to be the frosting on this cake of My Life, but I now realize you AIN'T the cake itself, and I don't NEED you. And I CERTAINLY like myself too much to allow myself to be disrespected by you. Wish I could talk more, but I gotta run -- bubbye."

Puppy

ok then...got a road ahead, please folks keep the advice coming!!! It really helps to have some people in your corner!!!thankyou all!!

sounds really good on paper?????? BAH!!!! this is an easy one.

you got the good, the bad and the ugly going on here.


the ugly: she's an adultress.
solution: "I tried for years to get over it. And I pretended everything was ok, but I just kept it bottled up inside me. I just can't do it anymore. I can't get over what you did. It hurts and its hard to be with you. I cant do it anymore."

the bad: she thinks of you as her brother.
solution: yuck, who wants to be married to their sister? take your wedding ring off. and take off everynight. "This isnt working out. I need some space. I need to find myself."

the good: as told to you above, "Make her chase you. Let her go."
solution: do you know how to increase your value? how you get her to start chasing you? get yourself a female friend. one that is looking for a temporary sugar daddy (since she just needs to be temporary herself). then get yourself another. a hot one. as soon as your wife realizes she got dumped and someone else is sexually interested in you; when some chick is bagging her "brother," her possessive instinct will kick in. So begins the pursuit.... Doubt that?