Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What to do when H doesn't contact?

I have to agree, Goodfight. Get to the dr. ASAP!

Do you have somebody that can go with you for support? My sister always goes to the dr. with me and then her and I go out to lunch at our "old lady diner". It's fun and really helps me not be a wreck!

I'm in counseling and also on antidepressants. This is my 4th one. None of the others worked. So now I'm praying that this one does.

Then with all of this depression going on I get a text from H last night while working 2nd job saying "Do not know what made you think I was ever coming back, I want the house sold so I will contact you some time soon about it. But I'm sure you will change your mind and not want to sell it. And the date I had that D13 told you about was months ago so don't get all upset about it. She was not all there too."

I'm assuming that D13 must have told H that me and the kids have been praying for H to overcome his depression and come back home.

How do I respond to a text like that? I have been standing for my M but now I don't know what to think. Do I continue to stand?

Don't respond to his comment about him coming back. W got mad at me when she learned earlier on in this process that me and the kids had prayed for her to come back. I didn't respond.

That is hearbreaking to get a text like that when you are already feeling down.

Will you be able to save the house on your own? Do you want to if you can? Those are the questions you should be asking yourself right now. Is he coming through with C/S for D13?

What do you want out of all of this? I know you want your H back, but besides that, what else? What else would make you happy/content?

Kevin

I wanted the house thinking he would eventually want to come home. We put so much money into it and hard work. I honestly don't know now if I want to keep it or not. He is paying C/S for D13.

I wish I knew Kevin what else would make me happy/content. I'm so darn depressed and can't stop crying all of the time. I don't even know where to begin. I want this depression to stop that would make me happy so I can be happy again around my children.

It isn't going to stop until you can put H out of your mind and focus on things that have been fun to you in the past that don't include him.

I am not saying this is an easy task. After 17 months, I still struggle with this. But I am finding bits of enjoyment here and there now where I didn't before. It is coming along slowly.

So the house is simply keeping you hanging on to him. If that is the only reason to keep it, perhaps it is better to sell it and it will allow you to move forward with joys in your life that don't revolve around H.

Remember, the pills are only temporary. Eventually you have to get to the point where you can survive and find happiness without them. I was on antidepressants for a while, months. But I was on them because I literally could not funtion. I am now able to funtion and am no longer on them. But it took months to get to that point.

And honestly, man, I am hungry today. lol.

Kevin

The house is also for the kids not for me to keep hanging on to him. I think it was in the beginning but not anymore.

I know the pills are temporary, just hope they found the right one this time. I go back and forth on functioning and that is all about H. That's why I need to be on them and function whether or not H is talking or not talking to me.

Glad you are hungry today, lol. Wish I was, need to gain some weight.

I don't usually recommend this, but xanax helped me out a great deal until the anti-depressants kicked in. I was able to take them when feeling really anxious and they calmed me down and I was able to function. The only thing about xanax is it can become addictive if not used only when needed. I never became addicted to them, but I know others have. So just be careful if you go that route.

Kevin

Don't respond to the comment unless you can pull off puzzlement at his comment but NOT engage in conversation about it. How long has this been going on? And why did you think he'd come back or that the only reason he left was for depression?

You need a good c or more of her, to get you out of this depression enough to "show up" more for your kids. That's the biggest thing at this moment. You need help. We don't just mean meds, but hey if they help - that is what they are for. Crying all the time is not getting him back (and is SO NOT attractive-sorry) and it's terrible for your kids to see, and praying with them FOR HIM TO RETURN is not healthy for your kids to do or see. It sets God up for failing b/c your h has free will and may not return so is God failing them? No, but your h may be staying gone, perhaps. And or, maybe God is saying "no" for a reason but I simply think God is not making your h do anything. Your h has free will and that means it does NOT always go God's way. And I think God cries when that happens, just as he cries when some people kill in God's name. That's not faith, it's hate. It's not God's will that folks divorce but they do anyhow. And it's misunderstood if God gets blamed or if there are expectations that He will solve all the problems.

Pray for God's will --guidance for you to know it, and brave strength for you to follow it--and let your kids pray for what THEY need b/c maybe they need a strong mom (they do) and they need reassurance from YOU that no matter what their deserting father has done, you won't leave them. Crying does nothing but make them terrified and sad themselves. I URGE you in the strongest terms possible to get more help b/c you have to be more present for your children and cannot keep falling apart at all, let alone in front of them.

this is not a criticism...it's from someone who needed help and got it and is glad. My kids saw me get happy again and it meant so much to them. We still have little traditions based on those times. Show them that the pain was deep but not eternal and NOT FATAL and the way you sound probably terrifies them. Don't desert them. Reassure them that you are there for them and THEY will be happy again ASAP....please....get the help. For you, for them....don't wait anymore.

Your h is lost for now. Not your problem. It's like he's doing a puzzle only he can do. You are standing over his shoulder telling him that you are praying he'll put a piece in a spot, "and the kids are praying and everyone is crying" if only he'll put that piece where YOU want it etc...but HE must do the puzzle himself. You must back off way back....and realize that NO WAS comes home for good, due to guilt. It does not work that way. The guilt converts into anger and resentment and they leave again IF they even com eback at all.....so lose that guilt stuffl. He has enough to deal with. don't count on him returning. Instead, [u]Count on being a woman only a fool would leave. And Become that woman. [/u]Think what a gift that would be for your kids.. You must detach. Read up on it. There are pieces on Detachment all over this site. LEARN IT AND DO IT and you'll feel so much better
j-

Dear 25,
You have given such good advice to others on this site. Any chance you can weigh in on my sitch "just want my h back" when you have a moment. We don't have kids, but some similiaries b/w above and mine. Peace, and sorry for the hijack-hhh

Kevin I'm also on xanax. They told me it would only be for a little while also. They help me somewhat but I just pray that this antidepressant helps this time because 25 is so right. I need to get strong for my kids!

Thanks 25 I guess I do need to go more to counseling. I go every 2 weeks but it is not enough. I don't cry in front of kids, usually put an act on but they probably see right through me.


That's where I get confused. I'm on a site rejoicemarriageministries everyday praying for the evil to leave H because they say you need to pray for reconcilation and for the Holy Spirit to change his hardened heart. And then I think like you said, man has free will. Did you stand for your M when you were going through your sitch? I'm confused on standing and detaching.

I guess I thought H's anger depression would get better and he would return when he came out of his fog. Or he would start taking his meds again that he was on for years because of his problem. See he stopped taking his meds 3 weeks before he left and I didn't know it. The week before he left he started snapping at me and the kids and I knew something was wrong with him but I never thought he stopped taking his meds. Then one morning he just flipped out and left. He also told me when he filed for D that he didn't want it. Thats why I thought he would be back. But in a conversation a couple of months ago he said he never said that. It's like he is a totally different person. I don't want him coming back out of guilt, I want him to come back only if he still loves me and the kids.

He was the most loving, caring, H and F and just totally changed within 3 weeks time. 1 week before he left he was making plans for us when we retire later on in life. Now it's like he hates me. My c told me he is going through a really bad depression or maybe a MLC.

Thanks again for the advice, and I'm trying to get strong for myself so I can be the mom I need and want to be.