I think I may have made a mistake. My SIL called today (not a frequent thing, but she has called me a couple of times since the bomb). She asked how we were doing and I launched into my main skepticism litany (he-is-trying-and-there-are-baby-steps-and-we-spend-a-lot-of-time-together-BUT-OW-is-still-there-and-he-has-not-made-any-moves-to-get-rid-of-her-so-I-do-not-think-it-is-going-to-work-at-all).
Up to there it was fine (she actually thinks I've taken too much and should have kicked her brother out in the wilderness long ago), but then I overstepped the line and told her all the resentment I have on his working so much but not having brought any money home (it is actually my salary that sustains us). He says his office just breaks even, but it is OW who controls billing, bank accounts and collections. And he pays her salary, her daughters' and her SUV. So all the time he is away working, is not for me or my D (though he does put a monthly amount in her college fund), but to keep OW in the style she is used to. Talk about a kept woman! That is why I resent so much his work. It does not bring us anything and takes away time from us.
It is not that is not true, but after I told her I thought it was not a good move. It is making him look bad on her eyes. I should not be badmouthing him to his only sister.
On the other hand, I may have helped. She was concerned that her B might be mad at her because he had not called her in two months (since the vacations we spent at her place, that ended up with him moving back in). I had to remind her that in the 12 years we've been married he has never called her unless it was for some piece of 'bussiness.' Then she realized that all his calls last year had been because of their mother's illness.
Well, who knows? What is done is done! What do you guys think?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I wouldn't beat myself up so much were I you...I mean the situation is pretty incredible and your multiple, valid reasons for resenting H's "work" just needed to come out, didn't they?
And yes, this IS her brother...but it's the truth, isn't it? CJ's sisters were disbelieving and appalled when I told them what he'd done (he'd given me the green light on that)..but they LOVE their brother and actually got together to talk with him on a REAL level for the first time, maybe ever!!!
So, no, I don't think you made a mistake...JMO of course!
Thanks, Shiny. You do have a point there. It was eating me inside and needed to come out. I am getting so tired...
It is pretty incredible, isn't it? I mean, am I crazy or something? I feel like someone out of a soap opera... I hope they change the script line soon.
He is still sick and with a high fever. He did come home early yesterday, but it was too windy to paddle. So we called it off and I stayed until 6:45 to finish work. When I got home, he was not there (had left 10 minutes before). I was rather upset, but I paged him and he called back nearly immediately from the workplace. He had had an emergency... I was SO relieved...
Nov 19 is the one year anniversary of the letter OW sent me, when he denied everything and said she'd be fired in 2 weeks. The longest 2 weeks of my life...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I just run into one of JJ's posts in the Divorce Remedy Book Club.
Quote: How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?
If you were to read your story on the board like it was someone else's thread, what would you post to yourself? What advice would you give to you? How well would you take that advice?!
I feel I am becoming obsessed with what is wrong in my life and overlook what is right. I have misplaced the ability to look at myself with a newcomer's eyes and it is making me go down cheeseless tunnels. So I've decided to ask for the 2 x 4's (no, Shiny, I am not a masochist) .
I am not going to vent here today. Not even post in this thread today. But I have a question for you all, ladies and gentlemen. I am not looking for reassurance (though I will appreciate it if it comes my way ) but for an unbiased, detached and sincere evaluation IYHOs. Appreciate your answers, whatever they may be:
How do you see my sitch? (and I am NOT asking do I have any hope?)
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
good morning Opt - in reading your sit I notice a lot of positives. In my on sit I consentrate on the positives and totally ignore the negitives. I feel that if I consentrate on and reinforce the positives, I will have more positives. If I only think about the negitives then I will have more negitives. I believe that the negitives happen when either my ex or I are on a down point of our rollercoaster rides and it really should be ignored anyway. It seems to work for me. If nothing else, thinking only of the positives helps my PMA.
What comes through, to me, is that your H has the desire to be with you and want to be a family, but does not have the ability to get out from under the OW influences. That could be for so many reasons, he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, he cares for her, or he is just totally clueless to the ramifications it has on your M. Sure he hears what you say, but it isn't hitting him on some type of level that needs be to take action.
How should you proceed? I think the beginners mind is a good idea. Start looking at this from a whole different perspective. Reread that chapter, see if it gives you any new insights. This has been an issue for so long for you, that I'm sure you have been thinking of it in one way--the resentment that came boiling over when you spoke to SIL, but are there other ways you can look at it and define new actions to go with that thinking?
Hi Opt. When I look at your sitch, I see that your H is at home with you and your D - a place that many of us would like to see our own S.
You spend a lot of time doing family activities together. You and H go out together regularly (my H and I have gone out alone once - August 2002 - in recent memory).
Actually, when I look at your sitch, I wish I could be there (minus the OW of course!). I look at the positives and try to learn from them and apply them in my sitch.
So look at your sitch with new eyes and focus on what you have - not what you don't. That is what gets me through each day.
Hey - just an FYI. I was at a meeting yesterday - all people who work in immunizations - and we talked about the influenza that is already hitting hard in Texas. I thought about it again when you mentioned H having fever.
Influenza is to be taken seriously as it kills at least 36,000 people each year. It is characterized by sudden onset of a high fever, body aches, fatigue, etc. It is a respiratory illness not a stomach ailment. Vomitting and diarhhea are rare in influenza - the "flu".
If you haven't gotten your shot - do it. If your H has had his fever for less than 48 hours he can get an anti-viral from his physician that will lessen the symptoms by a few days. He can go in and get cultured to find out if he has influenza.
If he does have influenza, he needs to rest as pneumonia can also develop. Influenza generally takes 7-10 days to run its course but several weeks until you actually feel better. People describe it as feeling like they got run over by a semi-truck.
I was unlucky enough to have it when I was expecting D8 and spent 7 days in maternity post delivery as I was too sick to go home. Also ended up with pneumonia. Wouldn't wish it on anyone!
Sorry for the sidetracking, but want to keep you folks healthy and on the track to M success!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
MY H LEFT A NOTE IN MY CAR'S WINDSHIELD WITH A PIERCED HEART AND OUR DATE OF MARRIAGE!!
A bit of background: this morning the world kind-of-suddenly-fell on me and I woke up with a horrible sense of desperation at 2 am. I came to the BB and surfed a little then went back to bed and could not stop crying.
I tried hard to be silent but H heard and asked what was wrong (I NEVER CRY). All the sorry mess came spilling out. I told him I appreciated how hard he was trying but I just could not get over OW being there, and how hurt I was, and how I resented even his work because I felt he was doing it to pay her salary and her car... I explained how I hated myself for being always on the watch, always vigilant, always scared... I think I broke ever DB'ng rule ever invented.
I was actually pathetic: I asked him to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be right even if it was not true. He did and asked 'why should it not be true?' It helped.
Then he told me that he understood and that he saw my point and that it was his fault but he had to do it by himself and his own way or we would end up in the same communication mess that got us into this problem. That he would see me as controlling as before and things would go backwards again. I agreed.
He even offered to leave the house while my brother and sister are here next week and come to see me at night only, so that I would not have to tell them (my family does not know we are back together). And 'that way, maybe one day I'll be able to pick up the phone in my own house again' (he had not for years because OW could be the one calling and now he cannot because it could be my parents -though I had not told him so he was doing it so that they would not know).
A bit more calmed I told him that he did not have to wear the ring if he did not want to, that it was only a suggestion and he told me that he does want to. That actually HE IS WEARING THE RING AT WORK. He offered to pick up mine tomorrow together and we can both wear them.
By then it was about 5 am and he fixed me breakfast! But I fell asleep. He woke me up to say goodbye before he left for work and then called me an hour later to see where I was. He must have left me the note then, before he went to his office. I saw it when I went to my car after work.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
.
He woke me up to say goodbye before he left for work and then called me an hour later to see where I was. He must have left me the note then, before he went to his office. I saw it when I went to my car after work.