Kevin, good times last night. Be sure and post some of what you learned.
I'm posting a great example of why NOT to divide finances over on my thread.
And here's my 2 cents to everyone: if a W is completely moving on, doing everything for her, does she call her H to celebrate a new job? Really? When Kevin gets a new job, he'll have an urge to call her. And on here everyone will say "no, this was for YOU, all about YOU, why call her?" Somewhere in all of this there's a balance, but that was definitely a positive.
And all this mind-reading that his W took a pay cut and is working everything out just to file on him: according to that line of thinking, Kevin was smart to lose his job, and should stay at 0 income because then he'll get all kinds of money from W. If his W is really thinking that way, she's an idiot. Salary doesn't make much of a difference in Texas. It's a community property state, so the judge splits ASSETS 50/50, and that's about it.
Bottom line, when a W wants a divorce, she files and gets it done. Second thoughts are happening, and that's a positive. Again, I'm a good example of that.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Great group last night. Thanks for introducing me to that group. It was also very good to see you again. I am looking forward to going each week. I got some great advice on changing my resume to make it cleaner and more attractive. I didn't get a chance really to discuss interviewing techniques, but I will do that next week. I figure first my resume has to be ready.
I still need to go through that manual they gave us last night which I had planned on doing today except that I forgot it at home. So I will be going through it tomorrow here.
Tomorrow is my last day at work and the phone is not ringing. But hopefully these new techniques I am learning from this group thanks to Jon will make some good turn arounds for me.
Also, I am going to read those articles you just posted here in a few.
You look and sound like you are doing well my friend. I am glad to see it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Great articles you just posted from MWD. I stand by them.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Hey Jon, I am taking some time to post to you, as I have been following Kev's sitch as well. I am trying to compact a lot into my post, so the overall view here is more important than my words, etc.
First, Those articles above can work, and may work in some instances, and heck may have or could work in Kev's instance. However, they are largely when there is a MR to still work on, IMHO. His stbx has checked out a while ago, and appears to treat him as one of her kids, vs spouse. That comes from guilt/pity, etc, not from loving him.
Now, my belief on what holds him back are below, and why these two articles do not apply to him currently. Kev, I am not trying to be mean to you, but point out these things. Keep in mind, that I lived with these myself, and it has taken a while myself to admit them, and work on them, and truly understand where they came from and more importantly WHY...
Narcissistic tendencies - As pointed out by many in his sitch, everything is 'I want' etc. - Looking externally for validation and happiness, and pushing off to others, such as a higher power, responsibility and ownership of such.
Over and over, I see him following the 'cycle of violence' even though he is not actively being 'violent' the cycle is there if you read through his posts over time, and going from calmness to tension to outburst to calmness again.
If you read the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" you will see this pattern, and why, as it is indicative of failure to reach a 'mature' emotional status.
I am sure that this seems an oversimplification, or judgment of mine on Kevin, and that is NOT my intention, but hard to get this across in a way that does not appear so in a Forum posting.
I just lived this myself, and now know what the signs are, and why they are there.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Isn't part of DB working on yourself? Isn't a big part of DB realizing that no matter what happens the individual will be okay because they have grown? Isn't a big part of DB'ing getting to the point where you might want your spouse back but you don't *need* them in order to have a good life?
If we should not speculate what negative actions mean wouldn't the same rationale hold true that we should not speculate what positive actions mean?
And yes, I do disagree with MWD and the article that was posted about unconditional friendship during an ongoing affair. When an affair results in taking a vehicle that does not solely belong to the cheater, squandering 6 figures of joint assets on the OW, running up massive debt to party with the affair and not following the Agreement put forth by the courts then no, unconditional friendship is not appropriate and very damaging. And when you live in a "fault" state vs. a "no fault" state as you do, well, the game is a bit different. Exactly what level of emotional abuse and gaslighting is a LBS supposed to tolerate in the name of being a good friend?
I agree, it is important to look for the good in all PEOPLE and a WAS should be treated as a person. Motives for PEOPLE and WAS's are very different though.
Because I miss her. I want to be with her. Our kids want us back together. I miss our family being together. I miss our M. Just because she may not consider our M and family important doesn't mean that it isn't. It is hard to let go of something you miss and love.
Kevin
I, I, I, I, I ......... this isn't all about you Kevin. True love means putting another's needs before your own. You talk a good game with your faith, but you really don't live it. Why do you continue to only see two possibities?
1. Divorce my wife 2. Wait for God to "bring her back to me"
EXACTLY...That is the over simplification I posted about before. Only 2 options and neither requires change in K4...Kev, have you reconsidered your choices about C or T? I know you went a few times, or twice...but since you don't discuss it, I assume you quit. But these feelings of "stress" and inability to fully function are clinical and chronic. Why not get some real help so that life won't overwhelm you so often? I think part of your "need" of w is that you "need" someone else to prop you up and that's not healthy, and sorry to say, as you know, it's not attractive either. Saying you want to get back together b/c you want to, and you say the kids do too, are not reasons in your w's eyes, obviously. Why should she want to? Oh sure, for the kids...but as a woman, why should she want you as her partner? I'm not trying to beat you down, but get you to open your eyes and look inside and get the tools for life you seem to be missing some of...or you will still be here in the years to come....
You really are limiting the power of God when you only see these two narrow possibilities. You talk about His will be done, but only if it fits in your idea of what Kevin wants.
Since you seem to like to put all this in biblical terms, let's look at it this way: Detaching = Jesus or John the Baptist going off in the desert for 40 days to work on themselves. THAT'S what everyone is asking you to do. Go off in the desert for 40 days and work on Kevin. Care about your wife but don't worry about every little thing she's doing.
You HAVE to let it go. The tighter you hold on, the more you're going to lose it. You really need to understand this key concept or you're really not DB'ing. That is why you fail.
Can you do that?
Well said Drew. j-
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/28/1005:26 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
And now for some real DBing advice, so rare on this thread for some reason.
This thread, and Kevin's threads in particular, have more "real DB'ing advice" on them than most, if not all, other threads on this board!
The only people who support Kevin in the way he wants are the people who are just as stuck as he is. It's sort of like a drug addict thinking their dealer and other junkies are their best friends. - CityGirl
There is a lot of hard, but honest, truth in CityGirl's statement.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
