Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

You are not learning from your mistakes. You have made a very bad mistake this time. Will you learn from it? I mean, will you have the strength not to repeat it?

I do not believe you trust the principles that we give you and you act on your co-dependent emotions. Based on what you have told us, it seems that everytime the two of you have been together, something is usually said or done by you that she does not respond to well. Yet, you continue doing what doesn't work.

As much as you've been told to go dark and stop contacting her....you've continued to do what your emtions dictated. Even now as you are seeking help, all you can think about is when she comes over and what you'll say to do.

As much as I want to help, I don't know how, if you won't listen to what is advised. We all have told you to pull back and stop pursuing......even she has told time and again to stop pressing, but you continue doing it.

So, what is your advice to us about you?

NSW,

Whether or not your marriage is truly "over" has VERY little to do what what your wife SAYS right now.

It does, however, have very much to do with what you DO, going forward. As Sandi has said, if you continue to act upon your co-dependent emotions, instead of on the reason of the strategies and tactics that others have given you here, then yes, your marriage will likely fail.

Your choice.

Puppy

newmama said this in another of my threads:



When my SO dropped off our daughter today, I apologized for coming over, telling her it was a misunderstanding compounded with poor judgement, and that I understood that she felt angry, creeped out, and even very embarassed.

She readily concurred with the being embarassed part and said that I ruined their evening. She said she had to hold OM back to keep from coming outside and I guess attacking me or something.

I said that we had been doing well up until last night and that I would hate to see all that washed away due to my poor judgement. She said that I could apologize and be as sorry as I wanted to but after what I did last night there was no way for her to just forget it and go back to us hanging out sometimes or anything.

She said that she was being civil and was willing to try but that what I did last night ruined all that...and she restated that we're done, and from now on she will only discuss things medically related to our daughter.

She essentially flipped my boundary around on me.

I have to wonder if newmama is right though...was she waiting on me to screw up so she could tell me we had a chance but I blew it? Was that her way of relieving her guilt and absolving her of her feeling of responsibility to try and work things out?

Since she stated it again today though...maybe it wasnt just out of high emotions...I mean getting some sleep didnt seem to do anything for making her not so angry.

From everything I've heard and read, I take it it would do me no good to point out to her that if she hadnt turned off her cell phone last night I wouldnt have came over? That would be reasoning and along the lines of begging and pleading.

The only thing I can do is leave her alone in every way and work on me.

I just cant stop feeling so guilty for what I did...not only because it was inappropriate...but also because I not only messed things up for myself, but for my daughter as well.

I also cant stop thinking how disgusting it is and how much of a turn off it will be for my SO and the OM to be intimate. Even if we got another chance together, I dont know that I could be comfortable being intimate with her knowing she had been with him. Not that I will likely get the chance.

Saying we're done is typical WAS stuff. The affair needed to be exposed. My W did almost exactly the same thing, and I did almost exactly the same thing. It sometimes has to get worse before it gets better. When she's calm again tell her you won't live in an open marriage, which she'll counter with saying there won't be a marriage. Tell her it's her decision and leave it at that. In the meantime GAL and start working on you. You don't have to be ok with everything she does. You'll get to a breaking point at some time in the future where you'll say you're done with her, and the question is if she's going to come back before that happens. Just keep coming back here and don't give up hope, but you have to keep moving your life forward so you land on your feet.

My breaking point is whenever the relationship becomes physical. It may have already become so...I dont know and may never know.

And we werent married, just engaged and living together...so I really have no power to say I wont live in any sort of open relationship. Essentially we are like a couple thats already divorced. So we are done pretty much unless the OM treats her so horribly that she wants to get away from him...and he does seem to be a predator with excellent conversation skills...so I'm probably out of luck.

My SO just called three times in a row...I was on the phone with someone and didnt answer until the third time she called. Apparently she called to say goodnight to our daughter.

To me that doesnt seem like anything medically relevant...or am I missing something?

At any rate when I answered she said why she was calling and I said I was on the phone with someone. She asked who I was talking to, and I turned the phone over to our daughter. After she was done talking to her, about 10 seconds of silence went by and I noticed the phone was still going...so I asked if she was there and she said yeah, and asked again who I was talking to?

If she and I are "done"...she doesnt really have the right to know who I'm tlaking to...or am I again missing something?

At any rate, I allowed my annoyance at her question to show and said "what does it matter?". Perhaps I should have played it a bit cooler...but it really bothers me that she calls and asks this stuff yet treats me the way she does. She said "Nevermind then, bye."

Someone pointed out to me that yeah my SO was embarassed at my showing up over there last night...but I was a little embarassed myself at finding them together. How come I'm not gonna hold it against her, but she's gonna hold it against me with the whole "we're done" and "you blew your chance" speeches?

<sigh>

You do still have the power to say you won't live in an open relationship. If the only reason she would come back is he treated her bad would those be conditions on which you'd accept her back? Also ask yourself are you saying you wouldn't accept her back after a physical relationship with someone else because you wouldn't because of values & boundaries or because you're hurt and angry. You may think you need answers right now but I guarantee you snap decisions will be the ones you will regret later.

I was sitting here watching some tv when I reached up to scratch my back.

That reminded me that yesterday at the mall...my SO was scratching my back. she offered to scratch it when I was trying to scratch it on a column in the mall.

8 hours later...she was probably scratching the OMs back...or more.

it just doesnt make sense.

it doesnt make sesne that she was "trying" with me and a few hours later cuddling with him.

I still have to wonder if she was really trying...and if I did really blow my chance?

I wonder, will I get another chance?

So tell her. Say "I really don't think you're in any position to be questioning who I talk to, do you? I have decided that I will no longer answer to you on those kinds of questions, so please don't ask me again."

Puppy

I dunno mark. I think it might be a little bit of both. I mean I'm beginning to think more and more she used her complaints with me as an excuse rather than a reason to end the relationship. I'm starting to think she wanted to be with this guy because he somehow excited her in a way I hadnt.

But instead of talking to me like an adult about her issues with me, showing me how much she was hurting, and giving me/us a chance to work on things, she chose to leave and destroy our family...and jumped right in with this OM.

I am indeed very hurt and angry. But with all this happening with the OM so soon after she left me, if it wasnt already happening before, it still feels like infidelity, even if we arent together anymore. It's wrong to cheat on someone...for whatever reason.

As I said, that she could wash away the 7.5 years we had together for a much older guy who she'd known for only about 4 or so months...really shows how little she valued me.

So yeah...would I take her back if she came back only because the guy treated her badly? I dont know...to me that seems like being a fall back plan. It hurts to think I would be...second best.