Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? It's the end of the world as we know it, & I feel-

In the words of Tommy Pickles from Rugrats: From now on, I'm gonna be bad...

BBJ for years I let my XH run me around when it came to visitation w/ D14. Keep in mind, SG is her SF. Anyhoo...that was one of SG's biggest complaints, that we always had to work around XH's schedule.

When we got to NY, I told XH that the weekends were HIS time w/ D14, and if he had to work, it was his responsibility to take the initiative and make sure she was taken care of.

You know what? I haven't had a problem. He did it, but I had to stand firm with it. You need to do that with Dan. It is your home, he has no business being there unless it is to pull in the driveway and pick up the kids.

As far as the sulking is concerned, you need to ignore it. I do listen to SG, but I don't offer anything, no solution, no explanation. I have told him in the past he brought it all on himself, but I think we are at a different place. I complain to him too. It seems to me Dan wants to use you as a sounding board, and if that is too much for you, JUST SAY NO.

It's okay. You are allowed to watch out for yourself.

Jeff is on to something.

Much like a mother bear has to be cruel and chase the grown cubs away, you need to do the same to Dan. He needs to learn to not fall back on you. Get yourself mad and let him have it with some "to the point" rejection. You will probably have to fake much of it...

"I have no respect for you anymore and will not tolerate your whining bullsheet anymore".

"I do not want to be your friend. You drag me down, and quite frankly, I despise you".

"I want you out of my life as much as possible".

"Dont contact me unless it is about the kids".

Ask your C, but I think you are going to have to beat him down emotionally before he will learn. Dont make him think there is a crack in the door. Dont show mercy if he cries.

Tough and cruel love is what is needed.

I agree with Lola. When he sends the "woe is me" text messages where he is obviously trying to pull on your heart strings and make you feel guilty - I'd just hit the ignore button. Even Dan will eventually get the message and stop sending them.

I am reading and learning...

I am reading and.... maybe someday I will learn. LOL

That was a pretty good laugh that you had plenty to do with Lola. Thanks for that.

Ted

I took the stance to stop all the time as my house differently. Passive aggressive as that is how it seems STBXH operates and Dan too.

I said, "H it cause to much confustion for me in my head for you to be in the home like it's a home. My head can't stay straight with you coming and going. It seems like H & W stuff when your here, when we do things with the kids together. That's not what a D looks like or acts like. I think for me, for my sanity I have to stop all of that now. You need to make arrangements to spend your time with the kids elsewhere and we can't do things as a family anymore. There will come a time when we can do more, when time passes and the hurt is less. I look forward to that but for right now... I can't spend ANY time with you. It hurts to much.


You know what....it worked .... he umderstood.... after a few times of me reminding him..... i.e. having the kids waiting by the door.... when talking on the phone about visittion I used phrases like "what time are you picking them up?" things like that .... he'll get the hint.

my W (who is essentially nothing more than a stress-wagon) works from 7-3:30 and can barely get thru dinner before needing to be asleep. I can't entirely say that she is not depressed though.

But she is a whole 'nother' case altogether. She is missing like half of her organs ..sometimes I wonder if during there removal they didn't inadvertantly swipe her brain too.

Guess I had better stop while I am behind.

Ted

ROFLMAO! The only organ I am missing is my uterus (oh thank GOD...no period), so I don't think I can blame my sleeping on that. I just like to sleep! Might have something to do with the electric blanket, it is nice and cozy and warm...

BBJ, darlin', you know I agree full-heartedly with Jeff here.

Stewing in your anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. You know it, keeping it in isn't helping you at all. It has to be released. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to release it on Dan and create animosity (Dan does that enough already with his passive-agressive approach) but it does need to get out of your head.

Write it in a journal. Write in all CAPS to scream it. Yell to your C about it, yell to God about it. Get it out and get rid of it.

Dan must have his time with the kids AWAY from your home. I like the wording Jeff used. Very direct so there can be no misunderstanding claimed by Dan.

All of this crap with Dan spending all this time in your home is only going to further confuse the kids. The sooner you get them into a routine of spending time with their dad at their dad's (wherever the heck that is is completely Dan's problem)the quicker they will adjust and stop being on the same emotional rollercoaster you have been on.

Stop being nice BBJ. Dan is a complete prick and doesn't deserve your attention, your love, or your support. Seriously! The man needs to cry to a C, not to you. He has done his best to destroy you by claiming you are the root cause of all his unhappiness. You see how he words this right? "I'm miserable, my life is screwed up. If only you had supported me." See that? He shifted all the blame onto your shoulders and you are letting him!!!

On another note, you have my number right? It's on my FB info page. Anytime you EVER, and I mean EVER, need to talk woman to woman call me. I don't care what time it is BBJ, I'm here for you sister.