I am thinking maybe it is fear. But of what, I am not sure. Being alone? I don't know. I am alone now, in man/woman relationship sense, and I have been for a long time. Fear of the finality of being divorced? Maybe, but then it doesn't change much except I get a payout. I mean, my living situation and such won't change, I don't have to sell my house, etc etc.
Fear of failure, quite possibly. I don't fail at too much. Never have. Maybe I see actually being divorced as proof that I couldn't fix this. Fear of hurting my kids with a D, sure. I know that Nathan will be crushed when he ultimately hears the actual word "Divorce" applied to his mom and dad.
Ding ding ding...It's all of the above...
Dan stays connected through small "kind" things he does...those small things keep you connected...it gives you small slivers of hope I think...but it's false hope in my opinion..
I think the LBS could see a WAS do just about anything for them and see it as "hope"...when in reality the WAS does things out of guilt...I think...Hell we all go through it...I look back on Kim doing the nice things she did while we were going through the process and she just did them to be doing them...maybe to try and save face with her friends, my friends and family...who knows..
we all waste to much brain matter trying to figure it out..
Yep. We read way too much into the "nice things" that WAS do.
I mean really, most of the crumbs we accept as "nice" are nothing more than a grocery store bag boy might do for us, and I certainly don't get all hopeful from that.
The hardest part of detachment is figuring out that something the WAS is doing is because of politeness/guilt/or manipulation and not because he/she cares.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I hear you guys, I do. Trying to just keep afloat and keep moving forward!
Yesterday I was just so tired, I had been up Tuesday night until 1:00 talking/listening to Dan and went to boot camp Wed. morning on 3 1/2 hours of sleep.
Then Wed night I didn't get to bed until 12:30, so I woke up yesterday exhausted. I called in sick, dropped kids at school, and came home and slept for 2 1/2 more hours. Also caught up on some of my organization stuff.
Took Nathan to allergy shots last night, then took him and Sydney out for dinner. Dan texted me while we were eating, saying he needed to go work on his house (as opposed to seeing kids), was that okay?
Seriously? Like he needed my permission. I ignored it. Then 15 min. latr he called while we were eating. I almost didn't answer but kids know his ringtone and noticed as I was letting it ring...
Anyway he called and started in on the spiel about his house. I cut him off and just said, "Yes, I got your message, that is fine. We are eating." He kept going talking about how the house had to get finished 'one way or the other'. Whatever.
I just said, "Yep it sure does. We are eating the kids will call you later". And hung up. Let the kids talk last night, but I didn't talk. Went to bed at 9 with kids, it felt so awesome! He called again this morning to wish Nathan luck on his spelling test. I went into the bathroom so the kids couldn't pass the phone to me to talk. The less I speak to him, the better.
Oh and sorry if that post doesn't make sense or rambles. I meant to mention that I am still exhausted today. What is my problem? I literally nodded off typing that last post just now. And I am supposed to be working but I want to be sleeping!?
LOL I think we are married to the same guy! What is it with them? All of a sudden they get all chatty...asking if things are okay, and then sulk when we blow them off.
Isn't there a "grow up" switch or something?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
BobbieJo, you so totally rock! I love, love, love the way you handled Dan's phone call.
I think that when WAS see that the end of the M is really happening, they try to cling on to any control that they can, no matter how banal. Doesn't mean they still want us, it just means they just can't stand to have it slip through their fingers.
Dan will have to look for someone else to heap abuse upon. And I say that because I remember some of the things that Dan would say to you, such as, "Use your head" and other things to put you down or otherwise make you feel stupid. It really made my heart hurt for you because those little digs are really not so little and show a great deal of hostility.
I have just now started venturing out into the dating world and I swear, if I see or hear any sort of hostile "just kidding" comments that are disguised as jokes, or more blatant putdowns, especially in front of other people, that man will be history. I will nip it in the bud because I let things like that slide before until it became seen as "normal." In reality, it is extremely unseemly and not the way a loving spouse would treat their mate.
No way am I ever going to let anyone chip away at my self-worth. It is gradual and insidious. I may seem ridiculous and unyielding, but this is now one of my deal breakers.
Yeah the call was odd. I tried to shut him down twice and both times he went back to that phrase, "You know, I need to finish the house either way"...like it was still up in the air?! Where the hell else would he live with his kids, a motel? No apartments in our town...
Anyway the second time I actually said, "Yep, either way, if you don't like it when you get done you can rent it out and buy yourself a different one. OK eating, gotta go."
I hope you are feeling better! Between getting up in the middle of the night for boot camp, having a cold, and the stress of Dan, I'm not at all surprised that you are feeling exhausted! But it is..... FRIDAY!
Oh, I like this...
Quote:
"Yep, either way, if you don't like it when you get done you can rent it out and buy yourself a different one. OK eating, gotta go."
He called again this morning to wish Nathan luck on his spelling test. I went into the bathroom so the kids couldn't pass the phone to me to talk. The less I speak to him, the better.