Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Hope is the thing with feathers....

Hey Bridge.

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. - Emerson

Hope you have a 'killer' day.

Hey Antlers,
I have dove deeply and am still in the process of swimming far. I have new experiences, friends, self-respect that I never thought I would have.
I'm looking forward to more. Thanks for sharing that quote.. I like it!

2 things new here. I'm going to journal my thoughts of each... pros & cons. Please feel free to provide input.

1-A possibility of a good job back in the town I just left, back in the arena of work I was in about 10 years ago.

Cons:
a) It's back in the arena of work I left 10 years ago. I left it for a reason.. I needed to move along, however, I know I would not be staying in it once D15 gradaute in 3.5 years.

B) It would put me in close proximity with StBx,

C) I lose the cultural diversity, events, large city benefits I have come to love in the past 6 months. I would miss this new town tremendously.

D)I would take a paycut of about 1/3.

Pros
A) I would be back in almost daily contact with D15 & have her at least if not more than 50% of the time.

B) I would be back in close contact with my family

C)... struggling with any more than that.


2) STbX & I are probably 30 minutes of talking, and one meeting each with our lawyers & joint meeting with the mediator away from finalizing our Divorce settlement.

Cons:
A) This is just sad.. there are no winners in this process.

B) See above

Pros:
A) I've seen more growth & graciousness from my StBX in the past 3 months since this started than I think I saw from him in the past 36. Which sends me back to the Cons.

B) BobbiJo was right.. my laywer only needs to find a judge to sign the decree.. no court date or appearance necessary. Since we have an option to waive the 90 waiting period... I suppose I could be divorced by end of February.

C) I Have a good settlement agreement on the horizon... much more than I could get in court.

Thanks for reading..
Peace
Bridge

Hi Bridge.

Wow, you've got some decisions to make. Allow me to provide some input.

1 - Don't you have a good job where you're at now? You say you left that particular work arena for a reason, and you also say you wouldn't be staying in it for more than 3.5 years if you returned. Do you want to be in close proximity to him? You say you love the city you're in...for a variety of reasons. And you make more money where you are now. Missing your daughter is a tough one. It's one you've been dealing with for a little while though. Same for your family.

It sounds like, despite the fact that you miss your daughter and family, that you really like it where you are. And you're doing really good there.

Those things carry some weight...they matter!


2 - Sounds like you're close to gettin' it done. I agree, it is sad. And there are no winners. It's a damn shame that it takes a spouse leaving in order for some of us to become better men, husbands, and fathers...but sometimes it does. And we are better. Change can happen, and when it does...it can be profound. Just keep on taking care of yourself then...under the circumstances, it sounds like you'll do OK.


Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. - Emerson


ps - yeah, I'm an Emerson fan...Thoreau too.

Hey Bridge...
A thought or two, before I turn in for the night...
1) Job. Update the resume and apply. You can always say no, but you need that face to face interview to help you make those kinds of decisions. Always put in the application. It keeps you 'fresh'. But you already know this.
2) The Big D. I got nothin', babe. It is what it is.
love, Goldey

Hi Bridge-

I agree with Antlers- please don't disregard all your recent progress that you've made since you moved. But I can understand the desire to be near your daughter until she graduates. How's it working out now in that regard?

hugs-
Bunny

Hey Bridge,

No real advice or opions from me just wanted you to know that I am here, not very often, but when I am I check in on you. Your doing great and it will all work out for you, you deserve the best after all that you have been though.

Take care,

Tim

Hi,
Thanks to all of you that offered your feedback.. it is precious to me. I have made a decision...after weighing all the pieces carefully & thoughtfully.. with regards to D15 & myself most importantly.

I decided to stay on the path I'm on. D15 is thriving as things are in different ways than if I was there or she were here

.. our relationship while not what it was.. it is better in a lot of ways without the daily grind of mother/daughter drama & teen-age agnst.

I am thriving where I am... I love it here, I love my path. Are there days when it is cloudy,when I miss the 'familiar'? Yes, but it's just that.. familiar.. it's not a vacancy of an unmet need.

So thank you again my friends for offering your advice and wisdom, it does mean a great deal to me.

I will post more on the D update next
hugs & peace
Bridge

D update

We hopefully had the last mediation meeting this morning.
This went very well..

I'm still amazed sometimes how stupid StBX must think I am... to try
& pull what he does sometimes. I also keep thanking him for being himself.. as it just reaffirms I deserve so much more than who he is & what he can give in a relationship.

End result.. I've got a good deal,... much better financially & custody-wise of D15, than I would get in court and it fits me emotionally..which may sound b--chy
but he is not only going to pay with $$ but also with the stress & struggle of keeping his dream alive with no emotional support & a knives edge walk to balance it all, much like I did when I tried to work on my PhD.... equity in all things.

As far as the property settlement..Over 1/2 of the property settlement up front .. 1/4 of it within the next 30 months.. during which time I don't pay any expenses for the kids in lieu of interest. After I have 3/4 of the property settlement we split the kids expenses 50/50. With neither paying child support or alimony.

The last 1/4 he pays between year 5 & 9, as an unsecured, judgement
proof loan... in order to keep his business solvent with the bank. It still needs to run past the bank, but StBX seems to think it will fly.

If the timeline the mediator laid out this morning holds, I should be
divorced by the end of February.

Relief & sadness all at the same time..

relief for the new beginnings and sadness for the loss of hopes, dreams, partnerships, etc..

I never have done well with good-bye & grieving.

thanks for walking this path with me, those that are still here & reading along.. I have been blessed by your company every step of the way.

Peace
Bridge

People do not change unless they want to. Unfortunatly for him he will probably never learn as is the case with most of us men. The good thing is it will no longer be your concern at the end of February. My one hope is that you both find common ground that both of you can live with and be civil with each other.

With having two kids in the mix you both will be seeing each other quite often in the future. My parents never learned how to do that and it always made birthdays and stuff uncomfortable.

Good luck Bridge I am glad you made a decission and it's what you want. As long you get to spend quality time with your D I am sure everything will work out on that end also.

Take care,

Tim

Hi Bridge.

I'm glad you decided to stay on the path you're on.

As for the divorce...it's a helluva thing...and a damn shame that things wind up this way. I'm sorry you had to live the way you did, and I hope your healing is coming along well.

Please stick around here. You help.



antlers