Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is it me? Or is it really everyone else? lol.

SM,

I started out doing a lot of those things if not all of them. I no longer do. I have learned many lessons from that. All it did was push her even further away and it caused her to trust me even less.

I won't go down those roads anymore. Perhaps one of the reasons things have been improving between us interaction wise if because I don't go down those roads anymore. I do get frusturated, but I keep it away from her. If I show her my frusturation, she just gets madder and runs to another guy.

Ok, by not doing any of those things, she is still making her own choices as far as whether or not she will be with someone else. But I am not pushing her in that direction by doing the stupid things anymore that really pushed her away. It is a choice that she is choosing to make if she does now.

She can come back to me. I won't pressure her on that, or she can choose not to. I won't pressure her either way. It hurts if she doesn't. But I won't show her that. I will treat her how I want to be treated and how I am expected to treat her.

My frusturations and hurt do not matter to her, so why show them? And she would just look at it as me trying to guilt her. I am not going to do that either. She is free to make her own decisions. I will not push for a D and I will not pressure her to come back. I will trust in God that His will, will be done and whatever His will is, is what it will be. I pray for restoration. But I don't impose it on her. I think a lot about it. But I don't talk to her about it. If she wants to come back, she will come back on her own terms and it will have nothing to do with what I want.

Of course I want her back. But it isn't up to me. I show her respect for her own decisions and I just swallow it if it isn't what I was hoping for.

I did say something about her introducing OM to our kids 2 days in a row as that was against what the C had said and I didn't consider it appropriate either. But I in no way at all made any comments about her R with him or questioned it. I left that completely alone. That is her choice if she chooses to have a R with him. I don't agree with it. But I am not her boss. I don't control her or her actions. It isn't my job to control her, guilt her, punish her, etc. I don't guilt her for what she chooses. I simply desire that she not be with someone else. But that is my own desire and beleif that I keep to myself when around her.

I may go home and shed tears sometimes. But I will not let her see how I feel emotionally about it.

It may come across as being walked on. I don't see her walking on me. I allow what I allow when it comes to my own self. If I don't feel like doing something with her, I won't. If I do, I will. When the kids are involved, I take them into account with everything. I may not want to be around W. But if there is an event and the kids want her there, I don't stop that. I put my feelings aside for them. Sometimes I let her have her way if I don't see any harm in it.

I have really been working hard at how I interact with her and what I say to her. She is responding better when we are around. Yes, she is still doing things to move closer to D. Not in my control.

I pray about it. Whatever happens, happens. I know God is there for me and he has always taken care of me.

Kevin

That being said, I do miss my W a ton and I do want her to come back. It gets hard at times not having her around.

Kevin

When I really sat back and analyzed the difference between missing my exh and being lonely and sad that I was no longer married I realized that it wasn't him I was missing. How can you really miss someone that has repeatedly cheated on you, lied to you, strung you along, and thrown you out like garbage? Also Kevin...ask yourself...would you EVER really trust her again even if she did want to come back? How could you? I know I couldn't. I think I just wanted exh here to put a band aid on the M and try and fix my lonely issue and my issue about wanting to be married at any cost. She bolted once...do you want to live in fear of her doing it again in 1 year, 10 years, 20 years? She very well could and most likely would.

SO2,

It would be God that I would be trusting. And I would eventually trust her with time again. A lot of M's that come back together actually thrive far better than they were the first time. But I am sure it would take a bit of time before I completely felt comfortable that this wasn't going to happen again.

People change. People make mistakes. I made mistakes and W made mistakes. Hopefully you grow and learn from those mistakes so they are not repeated again in the future.

Like I said before. I don't blame her for wanting separation. Things needed to change. I wish she hadn't gone as extreme as she did. But she did. So it is what it is. With time I pray that everything comes back into alignment and our M and family is back together again and better than ever before which I think it will be if we can somehow get to that point.

Kevin

Jeremiah 3:8 is quite unambiguous about God’s tactic to guide Israel into repentance.

"And I saw that for all the adulteries of faithless Israel, I had sent her away and given her a writ of divorce" (Jeremiah 3:8a)

In essence, God was saying to Israel, "My dear wife, Israel, to shame you into leaving your lovers, your idols, and remaining faithful to your Husband, I have issued you a writ of divorce. Not a divorce decree written on paper, but written in pain, sorrow, hardship…"

There is only one way in which to understand how God could take this action against Israel without Himself violating His own law, and that is to understand that God permits divorce from a continuously promiscuous and cheating spouse. In today’s vernacular we call this "the Exception Clauses" of Matthew.

It was said, 'Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce'; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. (Matthew 5:31,32)

And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery. (Matthew 19:9)

A divorce is hateful treachery against a spouse, unless the divorce was issued because the spouse is engaged in constant immorality and unfaithfulness. Only then is the divorce not a sin.

If the exception clauses of Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 do not allow a lawful divorce based on a spouse’s infidelity, then where else in all the Bible may we see the Law by which God is permitted to execute a divorce against Israel? In all other New Testament passages of Scripture divorces are called sinful, and the only exceptions are those found in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9.

Does Deuteronomy 24:1-4 allow divorce against cheating spouses? This is precisely the question Jesus was answering when He gave His comments in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. The Pharisees had asked Jesus a question similar to this, "Moses commanded that an ‘indecency’ be found in the wife as the reason to write a lawful divorce, but does that mean any or every kind of indecency is good enough reason?" Jesus gave a reply that specifically answered the Pharisees’ question of what kind of indecency it was that made a divorce "lawful" when He said, "Deuteronomy 24:1-4 only allows a divorce if one spouse is unfaithful, all divorces for any other reason are the sin of committing adultery against the spouse of your marriage covenant" (Matthew 19:9 paraphrased).

The existence of the "Exception Clauses" themselves is owed to the fact that the Pharisees asked Jesus to interpret Deuteronomy 24:1-4 ("what Moses commanded"). Jesus interpreted that law as, "All divorces are unlawful and sinful, except those divorces that were issued because a spouse was unfaithful to the marriage covenant, such as we see described in Jeremiah 3:1-8."

Jeremiah, Chapter 3, is all about God’s use of the law of divorce and remarriage found in Deuteronomy 24:1-4 and the Exception Clauses found in Matthew 5 and 19. God divorced an unfaithful Israel with the goal of shaming her into giving up her indecent love affair with idolatry.

Kev

I know we don't agree on some of this but I wanted to post anyway. Anyone who reads me knows I have struggled to reconcile being a Christian and getting divorced. But given that my husband has repeatedly committed adultery:

1)Cloud and Townsend, authors of the Boundaries books and Christian authors, told me personally when I called their radio show New Life Live, "Your only choice of action at this point is to file. He is getting everything he wants and having to answer for nothing right now.

2)My pastor, a Christian minister, told me in no uncertain terms that I was justified in filing.

3)The Christian counselor I started seeing last week, is also a professor at a Christian college teaching others to be Christian counselors. She is also a consultant to Campus Crusade for Christ world wide. After ONE session she said, "From what I have heard, I think your pastor was right that you are justified in seeking divorce." And she is not pro divorce by any means.

Just food for thought from someone who has been in similar shoes...

Excellent BobbiJo. I read through some of your thread and you seem like you are a very strong woman and doing quite well.

Because you haven't come to the place where you can respect yourself enough to completely let go of people who don't value or respect you.

OR better still, Be a better friend to yourself!! Work on loving your self or find somebody who can direct you on how to begin to do that.

A person who is not to quick to settle on their positive points and character traits and be able to list a few clear and succint one's does not love themselves nearly enough. My...darling falls into the same category.

Ted

Live in the moment and in the moment you are on your own as a quasi-bachelor. Who knows, your wife might come back while you are having a bunch of healthy abundant fun and living in the many moments that YOU craft for YOU. Leave it to a woman to come along and upset the 'apple cart' of the fun you will be having. You can deal with that when and if it should happen in the future.


But as I said earlier it is imperative that you find much much more comfort in your own skin. I do not think for a second that you have that now or I wouldn't be mentioning it so fervently.

Make finding a internal peace that is dependent on no other earthly being and developing a love for yourself a solid goal for yourself. A part of me can recognize that you are deficient in this area because I have a fair amount of these things that I am blessed with.

I have resolved that life ebbs and flows all around personal confidence. Harness it my brother. Ask the Lord for His assistance on this matter. He will surely help as always.

Just keep making the continual strides that you are and sharpen your direction and focus.

I am certain that you are going to make this happen even if I have to come down there and spend my vaca time kickin' your Cowby lovin' butt into gear.

That piece of lumber is pretty well splintered, time to seek another ..LOL

Your well-meaning bro' in Christ Jesus,

Ted

I am still sorta processing the post that this was attached to BBJ.

It is great that you posted what you did and have spent so much time in the Word so that the Lord can reach out to you and provide you with what you need. To have such stimulating though centered on scripture is beyond awesome.

Ted