Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers H is apartment hunting today

The 6 month D thing makes it clearer as to why he might be in a rush.

I set a timeline for myself - we separated in Oct. In Canada, we can fully reconcile for 3 months (incl sex) once a separation has occured. After that, the one year has to start again before a D. So my W and I reconciled in Jan, that gives me less than three months to work it out. Why the rush? I can't go through limbo for too long. My work is falling apart, and it is stressful on us all. For me, the 1st month together hasn't been rosy enough to change my mind to leave, but I'm here today still hoping.

If your state needs full separation, he might want closure. Ask him.

H wants to have lunch on tuesday. i want so badly to believe that this is a good sign, but in my heart i know he wants to give me separation papers to look over and discuss when he'll be moving his things out of our place and into his new one.

did my best to GAL...last night went out with friends and found myself laughing, did yoga today...went to church. watched the game with friends. all of it feels so empty, though. like i'm living outside my own life. i'm sure that goes away eventually.

i live in an apartment building, and we're just off the elevators. we've agreed i get the dog (i got him certified as a therapy dog and we do a lot of volunteer work together) and every time the elevator dings, the dog's ears perk up, thinking it's his daddy coming home. i won't lie, my ears perk up, too. but no...

It ain't over till the fat lady sings...or until the dog and you stop perking up your ears.

Hope and prayer never killed anyone by regrets without the person letting dispair take over.

Enjoy your lunch! Be the S that you want or can be, no matter the topic that he presents. Separation papers aren't divorce papers. Still, divorce wouldn't be an option if some people didn't need it.

Deatr TTA,
Keep on keeping on. You are really doing great at this early stage. My H left within 2 weeks of the bomb. You are way ahead of where I was since i didn't find DB or this site til a month later! That was truly hellish & I feel for what you're going through. Keep posting & try to read as many other posts as you can in newcomers. Lots of good advice & you'll learn much.

I wouldn't push him to read anything esp. DB right now. I tried to get my H to read a book early on I thought would help, folks on here told me he probably wouldn't read it even if he said he did.

Having a dog is a blessing, I have 2 (they were ours). Remember to eat & take care of yourself during this time. This is hard to do but try not to think ahead, just take it one day at time.

thanks for all the great advice. i'm working on doing what i need to do to be happy...the thing is, i feel like this is all moving so fast. H dropped the bomb on 1/6...he's already put a deposit on an apartment and i know he plans to ask me to sign a legal separation agreement early this week. why the rush?? he says he's made up his mind, this is best for us, but through all the pain and hurt i'm feeling, i feel anger rising up, too...why does HE get to decide what is best for us, while all i can do is watch him walk away? i feel like i have no say in my own life. i see so many other people on this site who do in-home separations, or have been separated for a few months with no formal agreements in place, so his rushed pace on this just makes me feel like all he wants to do is cut the strings and move on as quickly as possible.

he insists that it's been 5 years of struggling to make things work...but i know that he's only seeing the negative right now and can't see that while we've had some lows, we've also had an equal amount of incredible highs and i don't know how to deal with him only seeing what he wants to see. he keeps saying, it's been so hard, it's been so hard, it shouldn't be this hard...but HE is the one who breaks up with ME every time we've had any major issues come up in our R, and twice he broke up with me on impulse (including once after we were married - but he's seen an IC and was working on controlling his impulsive behavior). so for me, yeah it's been hard from time to time, but i think he's distorted his memory of our R and our M and he's going to hand me those papers and in only 6 months of living apart, the last 5 years of my life will evaporate, just like that.

people keep saying that separation isn't necessarily D, but come on...i want to hold out hope, but i also don't want to lead myself on. how many people have come back from a formal separation and ended up staying together?

TTA,
Time is your friend. You don't HAVE to sign anything or agree to anything right now. Don't push the issue with him. When my H left he was emailing me D proposals the next day. I just ignored him and focused on the first parts of DBing. That was Sept and he's not letting up on the divorce, but things are improving in our interactions and nothing has been filed yet. Just let him go and focus on you. Time helps - I think alot of the time WAH want it all over with right away because they can't face the real feelings. Running is easier. There seems to be less waffling in the WAH realm, a distinct difference with the WAW. Work on you and slow things down - at least you will be better able to make those decisions when you MIGHT HAVE to instead of now when you are so emotional.

Hang in there, you've found this resource earlier than alot of us and that will benefit you!! As hard as it is, forget about him for a little while and focus on you.

but wouldn't it push him further away if i don't sign agreements right away? like i'm trying to drag things out or hold on to our M or make him stay? obviously, i can't stop him from moving out, but i'm wondering if not signing anything for a while will only make him feel that i'm intentionally dragging this out...

Maybe he doesn't want you too. Maybe he wants to see if you care so little you'd do it.

Then again, it might upset him, too. So what? As long as you are reasonable and caring, what is the rush?

that's just it, i don't understand what his rush is. he told me today (via email) that he was sorry if i felt rushed but that he felt like he had explained his feelings to me and was taking his time and not making impulsive decisions. we celebrated our 2nd anniversary just over 3 months ago, and it was a wonderful, happy ocassion where we both went out of our way to do thoughtful things for one another. and now, 3 months later, he's ready to file a separation agreement, after him thinking about things "for a while." i know for a fact that he knows exactly how much i care and that D is the LAST thing i want.

i've tried to let him know that i'm just not following in his thinking at the same pace so even though it may not feel rushed to him, it feels that way to me.

Maybe use the lunch as a time to say, 'hey look, I need it straight, I do love you and am sorry that I've not adjusted to your ADHD. I'll take the papers, but I can't move as fast when I am hoping you might reconsider giving it one last shot'

I'm not suggesting begging, just make sure the things you think he knows have actually been said out loud without any baggage or expectations of him changing. Besides, don't you need time to consider what the papers mean?

If my W said, 'I don't want you different at all, if you did I would like it, but I love you completely with all of your faults and strenghts that I don't understand' it would be easier for me to fully rejoin her in our M. In truth, she wants a change to her life as much as I do for mine. So can we do that while staying?

I'm not trying to defend him, just trying to give you a chance to consider that when things are rushed, cool and clear heads are needed. Facts are too.