Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers H is apartment hunting today

tta,
I responded to this before, but don't see my reply here (?). I'll try again. In my case, she started looking right before the bomb. Found one and moved out in 3 1/2 weeks. Don't worry. That's a survival skill I think we all develop early on. Helps in the beginning and until the genuine smiles reappear.Ambiguity. Conflict. Guilt? Either way, it probably works in your favor for now.
"...For when love dies, it is not in a moment of angry battle,
nor when fiery bodies lose their heat.
It lies panting, exhausted,
expiring at the bottom of a wall it could not scale."

Richard A. McCray

You can't scale his wall; only he can dismantle it.
Perhaps you can set the tone for that. It's hard; I tried unsuccessfully.

Good luck,

update: H just came home and said he found a place. he didn't say when he would move in. came in and cried and cried about having to look for a place, said he tried and tried to make this work. i didn't argue with him, just said i know he tried and i was sorry if i made him feel like that wasn't enough. he said he has 24 hours to change his mind on the apartment. he put a deposit down and everything. says he can't eat, sleep, or focus on work...i said i knew how that felt.

In my case, she started looking right before the bomb. Found one and moved out in 3 1/2 weeks.

how did you deal with her moving out so quickly? isn't it hard to show someone how much you've changed when they don't see you all the time anymore?

tta,
Well, heres my original, butchered response which showed up later than my replacement one. WTH? Ignore this. Replacement response is a couple of posts up. Go figure.

Right around when he moved out he talked to a lawyer friend (by chance supposedly) who recommended starting on mediation right away so he wanted to do that. I had to put the brakes on it, saying I wasn't ready. It wouldn't be a good choice for me to negotiate without represention when I am still in shock.Yeah, my H was in rough shape when he moved out, but for different reasons for me. I was heartbroken and shocked, he was feeling guilty as ashamed for blowing it, yet determined to follow through on his decision.

i think my H feels the same way...guilty but sure this is the right decision. the thing is i can't say either one of us blew it. there's nothing i can even point to to say, this is why we are parting ways. it feels like such a silly reason to get divorced - because he feels i've chipped away at him and made him feel like he can't make me happy. we've only been together for 5 years. my DB coach said that i've owned up to responsibilities that some people don't realize until much later in life and marriage...so why is he so determined to get out of our marriage only 2 years in?? my parents have been married for 40 years. if i had a dime for every time i'd heard my mother criticize my father...i would have a WHOLE LOT of dimes.

he still hasn't told me when he's moving in. just that he's full of pain and hurt but that he knows this will be the best thing for both of us in the long run. i've had to fight the urget to pull out my DB book and hit him in the face with it. i know i can't ask him to read it, but...it totally changed the way i saw myself in my marriage, so i figure it couldn't hurt him to read it.

anyone else on here asked their spouse to read the book when they were dead set against it?

(my reply didn't seem to be done right...just reposting it)

I never did move out. A couple times, my W said I had to go or she would, but I didn't. I moved to a room in the house and stayed there. Why?

- Moving out says I'm hopeless.
- Moving out means seeing you is too painful.
- Moving out means that the kids are involved.
- Moving out costs money; I'd rather use it to give the M a chance
- etc, etc.

Why should I have left?
- Everyone thinks I should have moved out
- I can't completely imagine life without her while she's there
- I can miss her, but I/she might end off resenting decisions made, movies watched, etc.
- W felt that I was having a good time when she was watching the kids
- I didn't practise with any of the stresses of being a single, divorced parent.

Still, I'm happy to have stayed. Your H might have many reasons to leave, social pressure being one of them.

Did you ask him why he felt it was so important to leave right away? Did you let him feel comfortable staying in a room privately to sort out thoughts?

My MC reminded me that as a Canadian, we value independence. Maybe he just needs some time to stretch - as long as he doesn't get into any EA or PA situations...? Why not ask him what he wants?

I tried to get my wife to read a couple books - she hasn't been too interested. ADHD for your H might not help, but if he is really interested he might finish it in a day, too...

Mabybe let the cost of the apt deposit not be an issue to force him to move in - let him know that if he changes his mind that you don't care about the lost money. Or move with him...?

hmmmm....my H actually IS a canadian. i know he values his independence fiercely. i admit i haven't been as accepting of his need to "spread his wings" as i vowed that i would be. and for that i have apologized.

we live in a tiny one bedroom apt, less than 700 sq ft. he has been sleeping on the pull out couch, and i have always let him know he is more than welcome to be here, and that he could sleep in the bed if he ever wanted and i'd sleep on the couch (it folds out to a twin. he's 6'3. i'm 5'3!) i have done my best to make him feel comfortable here since the bomp dropped...made him dinners, talked to him about things other than our M, packed lunches for him to take to work...

of course i wouldn't care if he lost the money and i would also move in to his new place with him in a second...if he ever asked.

my H read one book on ADHD back when he was diagnosed but he never picked up another one and i doubt i could get him to read DB.

i also would give him time to stretch, but it seems to be moving so fast. moving out, separation agreements drafted...to file for D in my state with no children (filing no-fault), all you have to do is prove you've been living separately for 6 months. that is the blink of an eye and poof! your marriage is gone!

maybe he needs to move out to see how much he would miss being around me. our current lease is up at the end of feb. i am hopefull that a month will be the stretching time he needs...seems to have been a good amount of time for him in the past.