Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? My new life

W came over to look for SS card. I should have told her no I'll look for it. She presented me with a letter (one sentence) from Physco stating he does not recommend W attends Retro. She is visibly shaken. I look at the letter an some other papers she had for me but made no comments. She says she didn't think he would have a problem, etc. I said nothing.

Conversation moved to scheduling and kids. As I'm out of town next week and she is working we will go into Nanny status for the first time. She gets more upset and starts accusing me of using the kids against her and to interfere with her job. She then pulls up a reference were I supposedly called her last minute. I told her I have no idea what she is talking about. She then goes into extensive details of what I did and how she had to jump through hoops. Guess I fixed that problem.

Next she says when says something I don't like, say I'm not going to retro, I get "nasty". Maybe I do. Something to work on I guess. I asked her if I was not suppose to get angry or upset. What am I suppose to do here? Go sulk and then become passive aggressive? I admit that I do have a tendency to fall back into old habits - but I'm working on it.

I've only seen her like this a couple of times. Once during the "breakdown" and today. It is scary. She really thinks I want to take the kids away from her and/or destroy her life. Is this typical MLC or something else?

I really don't know what to do anymore.

My W is deeply suspicious of me as well. She's so closed off that it doesn't come out often, but she's accused me of tracking days I have them to prepare a case against her.

She's also really worried about me being the "fun one." I'm just more even tempered when dealing with them and more energetic. I like to get out and do things. She's more of a sit on the couch person.

That's why I don't think there's an OM. She is really clinging to the kids because she doesn't have a very active social life or large circle of friends.

Big minefield.

Its amazing ti me. I thought that phase was over. Seems like she keeps looking for a reason to make me the bad guy. I refuse to help.

My W makes me out to be the bad guy as well...pretty dam amazing. It all goes back to their guilt. Making us the bad guys helps them justify what they are doing.

Today I'm feeling better. More in control of myself. There were a series of things that happened on Tuesday that spun me a bit sideways. I'm starting to be more aware of my state of mind but that doesn't always translate directly to getting control over my emotions. As a result I still tend to say and act from an emotional state of mind.

This morning I took the lead and called my W about retro. Asked what her plans were. She is still very apprehensive so I expressed my understanding. Her concern is that the program will pressure her to stay in the M and that the resulting anxiety will result in another "breakdown". My gut reaction was to defend the program and try and convince her she was wrong. I resisted (I'm proud of myself) and instead relayed the impressions of the program shared to me by other people. Much to my surprise she said maybe thats what she should and will,do as well.

W insists that she was only doing this because of me. She is very determined that it will not change anything. At this point I decided it was time to be honest and let he know that indeed there were hopes that Retro could perform a miracle and somehow make everything better. Mainly because I believe in our M and family. Went on to say that we have not tried to fixed the issue between us. Yes we went to MC but we were not ready because we both had serious individual issues that had to deal with that kept us from being present in MC. So yes I want to address the issues between us because we are going to be together in some fashion for a very long time. We may through the process of discovery decide we, emphasis on the WE, can't make it work. But that decision should be made by two mature and informed people. I view Retro as the mechanism to start this healing process. I'm open to other prospects but this seems to be the best start.

It was an interesting conversation.

Sounds like you handled it great. So did she commit to retro or is she still thinking?

Still thinking. She wants to talk to some couples who have gone through the program. Major shift for her to be curious enough about something to seek out the advice of others.

Interesting C-Bart. I think you handled the conversation well also.

Kevin

C-bart, some of us have an FB thing going...let me know if you are interested. Since we are in the same location maybe we should grab a beer some night and talk shop...just a thought.

I'm sure if you call your local Retrouvaille group they will be happy to talk to your wife.