Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Story...possible "grass is greener" scenario?

I hope you are ready for the brutal reality. Please open your eyes and start DB, 180, GAL, don't be blind. You are better than that, you deserve more.
Your wife has left you for another man, and she is denying it to you.
They always lie one level below what they admit too. If they say only a friend that equals at least a full EA.

2X4 coming, i have been there, DETACH, DETACH. Stop pursuing.

Gardner, (and anyone else)

I own Micheles Divorce Remedy book...in the Infidelity section she offers two main strategies that could be applied to my sich. One is the Last Resort Technique (which I believe you referred) where you dont talk about the affair/OP and stop pursuit, essentially hanging on and riding it out. The other is the "after the last resort technique" where you decide not to have anything to do with your spouse other than talk of the kids until the OP is out of the picture.

My SO did this to me once before as far as leaving me, before our daughter was born, and there was a time when I cut her off and didnt see/talk to her or answer her calls for three days. She reminded me of this today as it was painful for her and said she spent those 3 days crying.

She's coming over tomorrow to get our daughter...should I just tell her that I made a mistake and decided that I dont want to see or hear from her unless its strictly about our daughter?

And as far as Valentines Day goes...if I completely ignore it and this other guy even does something little like sending her a text message saying happy Valentines day, wouldnt he gain major points while I look like a jerk?

Now that I know there is another person involved...it seems counterintuitive to not step up the game and try and do more/better things than the OP is doing. However under both of the techniques recommended...such behavior is recommended against...am I reading that correctly?

Did you read that in the DR book before this last scene with your SO.....or afterwards? B/c if you had that advice from the expert (MWD) and yet you chose to act like you did and you are scared spineless even now.....then why are you asking? Are you saying that you aren't sure you understand the technique or concept?

From your post of the last time you were with SO, it sounds to me that you tried to do "exactly" everything that the book uses for examples of not doing. Even getting the pictures down and trying to lay a guilt trip on her. I was beginning to think you were pulling our legs by that time.

I am just trying to understand if you knew that the book said not to do what you did......are you ready to really do what doesn't make sense to you....or do you want to tell us what ought to work?

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Thanks for the input Gardner.

I think I will start with the LRT with GAL, which is more or less what I've been doing already, only I havent been so successful at detaching, so I'm going to try and work on that. Also up til today I didnt know if there was an A/OP or not. Now that I know, it is not something I have to waste time wondering about anymore, so it may make the LRT easier to stick to.

If in a few weeks (or months, depending on my patience and self control) she is still involved with the OP, or if I should find out at any time that it's a PA, I plan to do the ALRT and cut her off.

What I'm thinking is, if she does indeed try and do things with me from time to time and it wasnt just talk to make me less unhappy, and our times are enjoyable, taking those times away from her via ALRT may make ALRT even more successful should the need for it arise.

I'm currently reading Chapman's 5 love languages...and finding out about the A with the OP today drained my love tank immensely...but theres still a little left in it. I hope its enough to get me through the LRT.

As for Valentines day...from reading Chapman's 5LL I dont believe she speaks the gifts language anyway as much as the quality time. So sending her flowers or cards wouldnt mean as much anyway. Something like lunch would be more meaningful...but probably not even that in our current state, and that would be pursuing anyway.

Sandi...I dont know what to say except the sudden jolt of finding out about the OP made me lose all composure and self control. While I did read the book before my encounter with my SO today (and read the LRT & Infidelity parts again just now) and knew/still know what I "should" have done, and what I "shouldnt" have done, it was like I was watching a movie. I could see what was happening/being said but couldnt control the events.

It bothers me that I didnt have more self control, but I'm not expecting that to happen again given that there are really few surprises left in this situation.

I also know I cant do anything about what happened today other than to pick myself up and get back to doing the LRT, and as I said in my post above, when that doesnt appear to be working I'll move into the ALRT.

There has been some things I have wanted to say, so I guess now is the time. First of all, yes there can be several more surprises, so brace yourself. I believe she was in an EA before November ever rolled around. I suspect she is in a PA by now.

You have not detached….period….and never was. You don’t seem to understand that detached means no contact unless it is extremely important regarding the child….but you “use” the excuse of your child to contact SO…and don’t deny it.

The excuse you gave for not ever M this woman was pretty lame IMO. If she was good enough to be with her for 7 ½ yrs, and she was good enough to be engaged to, and she was good enough to HAVE YOUR BABY, then I tend to think you could have managed the couple of things you gave as excuses for not M her. I personally think it is inexcusable, but if she was crazy enough to keep giving you milk, then why should you buy the cow, right? OTOH, it tells me that you are lacking in areas of honor as a man and as a father.

Any man who would live with the mother of his child and not think she was good enough to marry her after three years does not deserve her hand in M. You not only ignored her emotional needs and gave all your attention to the child, but gave any left over time to the computer. You said that you lacked in the romance department and I am wondering if you didn’t have a some porn going on during all that computer time. I am also wondering if you didn't have too high of a standard for her to reach...based on the information you gave in your first post. Of course, you called it by another name, but I'm wondering if she didn't give up and go looking for a man who would appreciate her and give her a little ego food. You admitted that you hardly ever went out the past three years, so I’m thinking why in the h3ll would she want to stay in a R with you???

While I’m on this subject, I might as well throw in another thing I’ve wanted to say. Do you want this precious little girl that you adore grow up and M a man who will use her like a concubine but won’t honor her like a wife? Just wondered, b/c that is exactly what you are teaching her by the role model you are setting.

There is no need in me going into all the detaching and 180’s and GAL b/c the guys have laid it out pretty good. You are not listening. You’re still wondering what to do for Valentine’s Day!

Read this very slowly and apply this every day……..don’t do anything. No letters, notes, emails, FB,IM,TM,VM,calls, replies, responses, pleas, promises, bargaining, threatening...just do nothing. That should keep it simple.

Sandi,

Thank you for your honesty.

I have used discussions about our daughter as an excuse to contact my SO. It's been less frequent in recent times...last night's text messaging was the most I had done it in a while. She is usually the one to call/text me. She even did it tonight to say good night to our daughter.

I agree with you about my reasons for not wanting to get married being lame...and I now have to live with the possibility that I may never get to rectify the situation.

Some of your words actually sent chills down my spine, as they were the exact things my SO and I talked about, some of which she even said word for word, in our discussion today.

While my SO is akin to a WAS, know that I'm not blaming her for everything. While she made the choice to leave, there wouldnt have been a need for a choice if I had "woken up" to the reality of things sooner.

And from your closing thoughts, which are definately clear in themselves, it would appear you are in support of the "after the last resort" technique.

If the situation with the OM has indeed become a PA (which would likely destroy me given that the mere thought of some other man kissing her, let alone being intimate with her, turns my stomach) then that is my only option.

If applied properly, they are very successful.

I <3 u sandi2, your wake up calls are amazing. I went through similar problems from the "guesses" you made before. I am going to school to be an automation tech, which requires a lot of time on the computer. I had the talk with my W about how our lives are going to suck while i'm at work 40 hrs and in school 35. I spent many a late night working on homework, designing levels for a video game, or just playing the same video game. she really felt ignored by the computer. the porn thing is really touchy with my W. she enjoys watching it during sex but is turned off even if I glance. I would look it up for her as a surprise and she'd accuse me of going for gratification without her. she felt like I wasn't attracted to her sexually and like I was using her for sex without an R at the same time... go figure. all things to work out in mc if it happens.