They say confession is good for the soul...so here's mine.
I've been an emotional maniac the past few days, well actually the past few weeks. I've been taking myself down the same old worn path that I took the last time my H came home....only this time, I'm even more intense.
I've been itchin for a fight. I've been jumping on every single inconsistency in my H's behavior or attitude. I've been diggin around in the dirt for grain of injustice so that I could hurl a bolder at him.
I went off yesterday....sent us flying backwards. I'm beating the hell out of him and MYSELF with my inability to control my erratic emotional swings.
I used KK, Deb, Cath and Holding as my sounding board the past 24 hrs...I've unleased a monster of venom, I've spewed pain and anger all over the chat conference.
I am 'sick'...sick of being so emotionally out of control. Sick of being in pain, being afraid, being untrusting, being hostile and being bitchy. I have come to point that I MUST ADMIT that I am unable at this time to take charge of my own emotions and will have to seek a doctor's help via ADs if there's going to be any hope of me leveling off my runaway feelings.
I'm exhausted by the work I put into building mountains out of mole hills. I'm tired and weary of the energy I put into trying to find ANY excuse to NOT trust my H. To PROVE once again...that this WON'T work.
I am truly sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need a break from all the pain and all the 'memories' and all the fears...at the very least, I need a chance to catch my breath.
So today, I'm going to go to the doctor's and bare my soul and see if she will give me a prescription for Paxil. I'm becoming a hazard to myself emotionally and a paria to my H.
T2
There's something to be said about AD's. They are available for a reason and if it can help you get back on course, than they are worth trying. You don't have to stay on them forever, but they do help during the times of turmoil in our lives and I think you'd agree that this is probably the worst it can get. Do something nice for yourself. You deserve to be happy and you deserve nothing but the best in life Jan. You have to make you happy, put the focus on Jan for awhile. It'll do wonders to your PMA and it can't help but rub off on those nearest to you!!
what cathy said! i am so glad you are taking this route, as one that has just begun this journey using the help that is available i can vouch for the levelness of emotions and how they play a part in our "r"
t2 - you are a remarkable woman and you deserve the best.
