Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy The Ninja is back

Jumpy-

I could have written everything that you just said about my own sitch.

wavering between bagging or staying. its tough for sure.

I'm not sure where my crying uncle stage is, but I suppose I haven't reached it yet...

ninja this is completely off topic. But a guy I work with just got back from japan and he went to a ninja theme park. Said it was super cheezy , super cool. And there were no robots there.

Back to your regular scheduled heavy stuff

If I could go back and change all that I did while "separated", I would. Do NOT date unless you are divorced. I wish someone would have told me that.

sorry, I didn't know you didn't want to date. For what it's worth, my SIL just remarried her exH after 2.5 years. So for all of us here, it is an example of divorce not necessarily being the end.

Her exH was also unremorseful until the last 6 months though. Although he initiated the divorce, she wouldn't take him back until he "got it."

I haven't been about for a few days now. I'm catching up and have been thinking about your sitch. I actually think it's worse now, emotionally, than it was before. Thats my take on it - I've not been in your situation as W is still in the depths of her A, however having the W come back (sort of) and still not wanting to reconcile must be pretty hard. Anyway.



Jumpy, that is a great compliment. Thanks!



You need to find that out now before you do anything else. Facebook friends is not an indication of anything. The problem you have is your wife is complacent and therefore has no incentive to actually prove to you about OM. I would strongly think about initiating NC again unless she proves OM is out of the picture. You really have nothing to lose it looks like.



Think though. You are saying you don't think she wants a divorce yet she doesn't want to be with you. They both can't be right. Maybe she just can't be bothered to go through the hassle of it, the paperwork or just paying it. Don't lull yourself into thinking that she doesn't WANT a divorce as it will affect your behaviour. Yeah, maybe you are right and she doesn't but don't be blindsided. You just sound like your attaching to her again which I think is the wrong thing to do given her attitude just now.



I would imagine this is a very common reaction and I often think how would I deal with it if the (very remote possibility) W returned. I would guess it's a balance between saying we will 'do this together' while getting her to put on her big girl pants and own her own sh*t.

On the flip side I think to myself do I REALLY want a woman back in my life who can't stand up in a crowded (metaphorical) room of family and friends, put their hand up, shush the crowd and tell them all what she had done and how sincerely sorry she is for it. My answer is no, but that's a theory ... what the reality would be I don't know. But she has to be remorseful or nothing else will go forward.

This is becoming a record Jumpy. A record that you are going to need to pull the needle off of, throw on the ground and not listen to it anymore. She is going to spout this same garbage time and time and time again. What are is your W? 5?

So she wants a D but doesn't want to do it?

I was reading something last week. It was about exit affairs though but one part of it was interesting and I think applies. WAS don't generally wants to initiate the D as they then look like the bad guy. W may want to say 'yeah Jumpy divorced me' and then she doesn't have to explain everything of course. On the other hand if she says 'yeah I divorced Jumpy' then she has to explain it ...



I think, given the sitch, that wasd the wrong thing to tell W. Although hindsight is a wonderful thing. I would probably do the same with my W and I completely understand why. I think you should be trying to let her think you're gone ... that seemed to work when you were NC.



Of course she is. She get's to stay 'married' which a lot of WAS like (my W being one of them) as it gives them a bit of status - married is good.

However, the last paragraph just stinks of disrespect Jumpy. I would step on that asap. She is happy to stay married to you, but doesn't want to be married to you, in fact she wants you so little that she will stay married to somebody she dislikes until the next husband wanders past? Come on.



So she wants the marriage to work? Yeah? She doesn't want to divorce you? Yeah? She doesn't want you? Yeah? She is happy to stay in this situation until the next husband comes along? Yeah? Err, no.

She wants the marriage to work and she wants you to change? Have I missed the part where she admits that she lied, cheated and betrayed the man who trusted her most in the world and had an A behind his back? Did that come up in the conversation?

I have no doubt whatsoever that you need to change. We all need to change in here as our WAS's generally have A's for a reason. Whatever you think of that reason, it's valid to them.

However it takes two to make a marriage work. It takes two to have it fail. It takes two to D and it takes two to fix it.

She, again, needs to put her big girl pants on and start talking about her role in all of this stuff and how SHE has and will change.



The fact that she cheated on your means she was not a good wife. She is a liar, a cheat, has problems understanding what commitment means, has a problem understanding her vows (forsake all others and in sickness and in health - roughly translated means 9in good and bad times) and has boundary issues with the opposite sex.



I think you guys shout talk about whether you want to fix the marriage or not. Nothing else. Not the whys and wherefores, not the hows, but the yes or no. If it's a yes then you both need to be committed to it. BOTH of you. Talking about who did what, when and where before you even decide to give it a go again is pointless IMO. You are going to go around in circles.

Do you want to try again Mrs Jumpy? Yes Or No. Mr Jumpy, do you want to try again? Yes or No. No other answers are acceptable.

Once you have your answer, then take it from there.



I think that counsellor should be on a TV show of her own called 'Counsellors turned Psychics'. My counsellor has never once said what my W did ... she offered vague opinions like she 'sounds confused' but nothing definite. She has said MANY times that 'W isn't here to answer that so we will never know'. That's what a counsellor does.

Counsellors are there to listen to US and offer us suggestions, questions and potential solutions to OUR problems. They are not there to offer OPINIONS on a person who is not there to speak for themselves.

However, I would take heed of what W said - she never thought you loved her? I'm sure my W could relate to that. Maybe an insecurity on her part but still something to listen to, validate and keep in your mind.



Wrong reason Jumpy. It's not W or somebody else.



You can't make her deal with it and face it. She has to realise that she has to do this herself. Only then will she 'get it' and will (hopefully) avoid making the same mistake again.

If she doesn't get it, then what is stopping her from becoming a WAS again? You only stop doing things when you know they're wrong. If you don't know that, what is stopping you from doing it again?



My guess is that she doesn't believe your boundary and won't make a decision. She will also see you filing for divorce as you 'not loving her'. I think you will be caught between a rock and a hard place but you MUST carry out enforcing your boundary otherwise you have lost all respect in her eyes for good and there will be no real path back.



Finish the petition and file it if she doesn't come to a decision.

Just checking in to see if everything is okay? What happened with W on Friday?

Here's what happened. A day after having the phone conversation, I got an e-mail from her. In the letter, she indicated again some of the things she was concerned about and the things she wanted to see change. She also told me that she felt I didn't fight for her or the marriage and that I shoud just get over what she did.
I responded by laying out what I did to save the marriage, including chatting with people here. I also mentioned why the affair was so important and why it had to be stopped as part of the process. I told her that it is not possible to "get over" a betrayal of that magnitude but it was possible to move past it. That would include certain changes from her as well, including, most importantly, an acknowledgement of the wrongness of the transgression, for starters. I also noted how her behavior for the past few months is motivated mostly by fear. I said that if she was willing to make those changes, I would consider a reconciliation, and even invited her up to my new apartment that weekend.
Surprisingly, she accepted the offer and came up. We didn't do much, just hung out, went to stores and to dinner, but it was a start. An opportunity to get to know each other again and learn a few things about ourselves and each other, and to gauge our interest in pursuing things.
For me, I noticed that I was quite nervous before she came, trying hard as a I was to show that I've changed and hoping to impress her. While that is cute in some ways, it's a little stressful for me. What was more bothersome was the complete lack of sexual interest I had in her. I really didn't want to be that affectionate towards her. I'm not sure if that's just because of everything that's happened, fear of rejection, or my own concerns about her. We did kiss a few times, but there was nothing particularly passionate about it. I will say this, she was only there for 12 hours. The thing I didn't like was my own reaction to anytime a communication came in via her phone. Since there's no trust, I cannot say who it was that would send a particular text or e-mail. I was very cognizant and leary of that while she was there. While I don't think the OM contacted her, I can't be certain. I didn't go through her phone, although I thought about it.
The only bit of hilarity or comedy if you will was the fact that when her mother called, she told me to be quiet. It appeared as though she didn't tell her what she was doing and wasn't going to. So apparently she was cheating on her mother with her husband. Not really sure whether to laugh, pity, or revel in her sticking it to her mother. I guess I'll take all three.
As for some of the other things you mentioned, she has a tendency to misquote our therapist, so I'm inclined to give her a freebie. As for the other people interested, they are more of a reassurance than actual options. They serve two purposes. One is simply to give me people to talk to and hang out with, I really don't have any intentions to date any of them. Secondly, by showing some interest (even if I don't feel the same way), they help restore my sense of worth. A nice way of saying that they are an ego boost. Don't get me wrong, I'm not leading any of them on, that would be wrong. But I do enjoy the conversation.
Not sure what the next step ought to be. Won't see her again until some times around Valentine's Day I would imagine. I am willing to see our old therapist (the one she misquoted) if she goes with me and see what the next step can be. Time will tell.