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RE: returning The Letter.

Do I have to do it in a timely manner? Surely with my busy GAL life, I just won't get to it before her current debit card expires...

sometimes we become forgetful in our middle years. Plus your busy. One would hope no tax info comes your way... What with the speed the government works. Could be a few weeks in limbo.

Gee what would happen if the debit card just got lost in a pile of mail? WHat I mean is you never get around to returning to sender...she will call the bank and then figure out she needs to correct her address!!!!

yes, I want to find the balance of her being inconvenienced and having to call the bank. The bank says: we sent it to Y address.


They they both know that I have/had it and did "something" with it.

Don't know if that is good or bad.

It's probably just poisoning my house,though. Maybe I will just get it out sooner rather than later.

OK, guys, a little crying here...

Felt a little like crying all morning. Don't know why--I actually slept through the night last night!

But then I did cry--and I'm in the middle of work, so really can't, so am posting instead.

X and I worked on theatre shows here in our little town. It's what we did when we met in college. I did sets/he did lights. It was great to collaborate with him on a show here in town some 20 years after doing it as students!

X did a show in the fall; I wasn't asked to do the sets, so wasn't part of it, which of course is all to the good.

Now the spring show is happening. The director asked X to do the lights. An intermediary--who has been a good friend through all this--asked if I would be willing and able to help design the set, understanding that I wouldn't/couldn't really be part of the production team.

I said I was willing to help. I wouldn't really be able to commit to doing the show fully, even if X weren't a problem, because of my work schedule. So, either way, I would be involved only minimally.

But what got me crying in the bathroom just now: emailing with the director about production meetings, going over the design, etc.

She wrote: we had our production meeting last night.

So--even though I was at work at the time--knowing that a mere 3 blocks away from "our" house, X is meeting at the bar with all these folks who are my friends; doing the stuff that we did together in college and here in town; that THEY are all seeing and talking and laughing and creating good community projects with him--and I am not.

They know more about what he is thinking/feeling/doing than I do.

So I want to cry.

I could, of course, really march into the meetings with my drawings and be as much a part of the production as my schedule allows. It sucks that I feel like I "can't."

I "can't", of course, because of the incredible pain it would cause me to sit opposite him at the table, talking about where the set goes and how it will be lit, etc., just like "it used to be."

It is my choice to take myself out of the group, of course.

But I am not strong enough yet to be part of a project with him.

BUT IT SUCKS! this is my group, too. My community work, too.

Weep, wail, cry cry, but I have to get back to work, somehow.

Thanks for listening.

About the debit card--I did think that if you kept it even pst 2/15 then X might wonder if you did something with it. But how to get the OW to change her address??? It seems like fraud in some way.

About working on the set. I'm sorry that it would be too hard for you at this time. How often would you be seeing him? Part of me wonders if it could be a good thing to work on something the two of you used to do when you were together, like it could remind X of why he fell in love with you. Just brainstorming. But if it would be too painful for you then definitely don't do it!

Will there be another project in the fall? You will be in a better place by then....

Hi avermont, why not write "return to sender. not at this address" Why bother passing it along to OW? This way the bank knows that your address is not hers and when she calls to check on it, they tell her it was returned for wrong address.

Yes... get it out of your house now.

((hugs)) sorry about your difficulty working with your X.

Hi Aver,

I was thinking the same as newmama... if you felt strong enough, it would be great for you to work on that set! You could be fabulous, creative, fun, etc. You have every right to be as much a part of that as he does. His choices should not stop you from being part of things you enjoy.

I do understand, though, if you don't feel strong enough. The pain that goes with these sitches is unbelievable.

But, think about it...

These are all items that Aver has mentioned before. But she decided to not take any advice.

And its a month later again.

And again it is the same result.

RE: the debit card. I think if I just take a week or so to put it in the mail with: NOT AT THIS ADDRESS, it might just take two weeks or so to sort it out.

but, hell, why am I wasting any mental energy on her and her stupid cards? When it goes back to the bank, sooner or later,the bank will have to contact her to figure it out. F**k it.

Re the shows: I would see him once a week or so at production meetings. Then there would be an intense week of "load-in" and rehearsals. All of which I could probably handle. But then there's drinks after rehearsals. And why wouldn't he have OW come join the gang for drinks? After all, the poor dear doesn't know many people in town.

So it might be more the social aspects of the project that would be the hardest.

I could fantasize that having him see me busy, confident, looking good, participating in the process would set the stage for the original romance. It's how it all started,right? Avermont with her set drawings, X with his lighting plot...cue music...

You weren't on the boards or on my thread when the sitch first started. But some 4 weeks after the bomb, we worked 3 weekends together re-modeling the rental apartment bathroom. And yes, it was just like nothing had happened--jokes, dividing up the project according to skills and time...I even had my new snug jeans and tight t-shirt as I lost a chunk of weight by then. He was already moved into new apartment with OW by then.

That project didn't ignite any sparks for him.

There will be a show in the fall, and I will be in a much better place by then. I also want to push the group to find another darn lighting designer. X can't be the only one around who can do it! Heck, I can do it.

As my anger at my "feeling" forced to not participate with the group (I know, I know, it is all me, no-one is keeping me out of the theatre) grows, who knows--I may just go to one of the production meetings as more details of the set need to be answered! so there!

I couldn't cry at work, but I could take lunch hour and go for a good run.

That helped.

You're right, newmama--maybe just determine that I WILL work on the fall show and go from there.

Thank you!