Dont think I have posted to you before but just caught up on your thread and wanted to give a quick thought on what you put down about your H comments regarding the trip.
As someone who has spent the last few years spending about 8 months a year in different countries on business trips let me tell you that they are boring. My W used to always imagine that I was away on these trips partying, having a good time, etc. So I took her on trip and guess what - she said it was boring and wnated to know how I put up with them. So in the end you aksed your H a question, he interpreted in a way and gave you an answer. Remember no expectations.
I realise that this is a sympton of the larger issues you are going through. I have the sort of same feelings at times with my W and her desire for 'financial independance' through the marriage. I sometimes wonder if this is a new 'trick' to get what she couldnt achieve through court cases. But then I try to put myself in her position, look at her desires and I see what she wants through her eyes and I can understand it. Someimes I have an unrealistic view that we will now have the 'perfect' relationship, but instead I am relaising that we get back mainly what was there before the upheaval - sometimes with some extra baggage.
You have come so far in this journey, from what I can see your H is very sincere in what he is saying and his desire to fix this up with you. Just remember sometimes things are said because we are tired or our mind is on somehting else.
Go for the trip, enjoy it and use this great time tp get closure again to your H.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
T2, You put in words what so many of us feel on here. Emotionally exhausted from mistrusting and suspicion. One day we can feel so sure, and the next totally unsure of ANYTHING. I'm on the same ride with my H. I'm so afriad he was addicted to the feelings that the OW gave him that he won't have the fortitude to resist her. He was in a long term A. It's hard for me to believe that he can just turn it off. Like your H, mine does not say and do all those things that would reassure me. I'm not sure he knows how. That sounds crazy because its so very crystal clear to us. I don't know why they are so dense about it all, but I think hearing on here that so many others have the same issue that it must be a trait of many WAS. I find some comfort in that. We always think our sitchuation should be different don't we? I'm hypersensitive to every action, every word, and it is exhausting,your right. I just want to get past this stage and onto the next-one of trusting very quick, but it won't happen like that. Once trust has been so deeply damaged there's no way we can overlook everyday normal things that they do and say. I'm not sure what it would take for him to dispell my suspicions. I'm not sure he could at this point. I think he could do better than what he is, but why would he even be trying if he was still seeing her? Would he want to go back to the life of lies and secrets? I think our fear is not that they do not want us, but that they are helpless over their destuctive lifestyle and are doomed to fail over and over. How much strenghth does it take for them to break these patterns of destruction? Are they capable? Is the desire great enough? Their actions are what we have to go on. When those do not live up to our expectations we start the process of picking apart and scrutinizing those actions. There is no magic words they can say to us. Your H and mine have already told us they love us and want us. We have begun the very difficult task of believeing what they tell us-ONE DAY AT A TIME. What you are feeling I think is the question of wether he is to be believed or not-believed because of his past behaviors. Ah,if we only had the answer to that! Can we trust them? If we want a chance at getting our lives back with our S we have no choice but to blindly trust. A very scary thing to us because we've been burned so bad in the past. This time of fear is very difficult, and like you say-EXHAUSTING at best. We must weather it as best we can, keeping damage control to a minimum, so at least WE don't sabatoge the reconciliation OURSELVES. We can lean on our friends on this BB to help us keep things in perspective since ours is so sketchy. We can know that we are strong enough to face whatever comes our way, and we can hope even though we are afraid to. Hope is what drives us. Today is our anniversary. I'm afraid my H will not live up to my expectaions. I want it to be like anniversary's past. It's hard to have zero expectations. I'm not sure I can do that. I'm hoping for another one of those signs that will reassure me. I'm hoping he shows me the day is as special to him as it is to me. I'm waiting to see if he makes any plans for us and HOPING he does. I'm dreading the feelings I will get if this is just another day to him. T2, go on this trip and make the very most of it. Make wonderful new memories for the two of you. We will be waiting to hear from you! Rachael
Hey T2 ~ Looks like you have ALOT of people pulling for you!!!
I hope the trip goes well and that once you've vented here, you'll give your H the "benefit of the doubt" and relax and enjoy yourself with no expectations!!!
HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Quote: When you and your H started getting serious about getting back together, was he hesitant about saying he wanted to come home?
The answer to that is ABSOLUTELY. When the subject was first broached (by me of course) when he appeared to REALLY be coming out of the tunnel in late summer, he said quite matter of factly that he didn't know if he'd ever be able to do that considering all he'd done
My H is showing signs of coming out of the tunnel, but who knows how long before he does!
Quote:
Quote: What can I do to make him want to live with me again?? How did your H get to that point?
I think just making him 'feel safe' My H made the decision to come home as a result of a few months of us "dating" his over night visits, our reconnecting as 'friends' and our growing feeling of 'safety' between us. We had BOTH 'calmed down'...every moment together had stopped being a nervous encounter and had become 'normal' again in many ways. I give myself ALL the credit for getting us to that place because I CHANGED the way I handled everything, including our R talks.
Ok we went on a double date, does that count. I don't know, I'm in a terrible place right now, doubts are coming in too fast for me! I started to feel better and now I'm down to the bottom again!
Quote: Believe ME, your H is more worried that YOU'LL never really forgive or forget than anything else. My H still worries. He just told me last weekend that he misses knowing I can't trust him and he prays that someday I will. It really does kill him that I fear his betraying me again because in HIS MIND he knows he never will but he also knows that I DON'T believe that and it's hard for him to face the reality of that.
The way to get them home is to stop making his coming home the BIG deal. The pressure of that decision is what keeps them from making it. The fear of failing at reconciliation keeps them from making it. BUT they will, once they see that we are at a point that our entire lives together won't revolve around the horrible thing they've done. It's really a BIG chance they take in coming home...they are MORE afraid of failing than WE are.
I hope this is true!
Miss my buddy and need a 2 x 4 right now!
Hope you are enjoying your vacation, waiting to hear how it went. I hope you had a chance to bond even more!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
