Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need some help with moving forward.

Have you read "Not just friends"? I strongly recommend it if you haven't. "Boundaries" by Cloud is also worth reading.

I have not read "not just friends" yet, but I am going to. I've looked it up on Amazon and it looks right up my alley. I'll also check out Boundaries.

I also understand that I have not been given the whole truth about everything. I'm not that naive. At this point, when she has admitted that they have kissed and then some, my mind tells me that they have had sex. Even if I can't confirm that, I don't know if it matters. They have engaged in a physical affair, even if sex didn't happen. He touched my wife and she let him. End of story.

I guess I'm wondering what I do now. She's saying all the right things. I'm in a position where I am just waiting to find out if she'll continue to do what she says. (as I was not too long ago and she failed)
I guess that's all I can do.

How many disappointments does it take to break the camel's back?

My motivation for being a good husband and being the person she wants (i.e. the things she was looking elsewhere for) is very low right now. I need to be strong, but my strength has been sapped. How do I know that my efforts won't be met with disappointment in another few months, just like it has been now?

Sadly, the truth is, you don't know for certain. How many disappointments you can take is something only you can know. I admittedly had far too many false reconciliations with my H after my A. While I don't think you naive, I also think it's counterproductive to anticipate her failure in a few weeks, months, or even years.

You are allowed to have some down time and some doubts. She hurt you! And the thing about strength is, we never have it until we need it. Just because it feels like you have none doesn't necessarily mean you can't face and overcome the next hurdle, and the one after that. You've made major steps in just the last 24 hours! Don't let worry or doubt rob you of the empowerment and happiness you deserve for getting this far!

Just keep letting her prove her penitence one day at a time. I know it sounds trite, but seriously - just take it one day at a time.

You're going to be ok, my friend!

You're absolutely right, and maybe I just need to hear it so that I don't let the funk overtake me. Thanks.
More than anything, I know that I love her, and that we are good together, and that I want to be married to her.
I think that one of the things that has kept me from healing faster than I have is the fact that I want to protect her from hurt as well. Maybe even more so than myself. So, I don't bring things up, to the detriment of my own mental health.
I am slowly, but surely, learning to pay attention to my own mental/emotional/physical well being, because, if there is one thing that I have learned here, I own my happiness.
So, I wait. And take it one day at a time. Small victories, right?
She did unfriend him like I asked. That's better than leaving me.

The Roller coaster has it's Ups and Downs as you would expect.

We go from High's when things seem to improve no matter how slightly or imagined, to disgustingly low Lows when reality steps in many times a day.

I guess at the end of the day as undefeated says, the decision to give up or go on is one that is entirely up to you.

This says to me that there's still some fight left in you though.

Thanks Blownaway, I needed this -



Obviously I'm experiencing some pretty nasty lows right now. I'll explain more thoroughly on my thread sometime today.

And Michael, we all need to hear it from time to time. We have to hear someone tell us we're not totally crazy for hanging on. That's why many of us are here, right?



Kudos and pat yourself on the back! This is, IMO, one of the very hardest lessons to learn. And expect that you will occasionally forget or behave in ways that undermine this. There's this great quote from one of the new Batman movies on the subject, though. "Why do we fall? We fall so we can learn to pick ourselves back up." Don't let minor failures get you down - just make a little course correction.



Good attitude. Baby steps. And make sure you recognize her baby steps to her as well. Let your W know she's getting it right so she doesn't get discouraged either.

I've been on this roller coaster for over a year now, and I have to say that I prefer the real ones at amusement parks.
I feel like I did shortly after I found out about the A. A year later. I had come so far. I had healed so much. Now the scab has been torn off. Ugh.
I am not as bad as I was, but my foundation just went through an aftershock.

Undefeated, you're right about make sure that I recognize her progress. I don't know how much I ever did that in the past, but tonight I will thank her for unfriending OM.

I am looking forward to spending some quality time this weekend with W. We don't have much going on, so being with each other and the kids will be relaxing and pleasurable.

Hoo boy. Up and down. Up and down. The roller coaster continues.
Last Friday night, W admitted to me that she saw OM last Tuesday. He came by her work. This was the day before I talked to her about ending contact with him. So, it had escalated from IMing to actually planning a meeting (and doing it).
The weekend was not very fun. Mostly me stewing about everything.

This morning, I logged on to her work email. There was a notification that OM had sent her a message on Facebook. I opened it. It was about the fact that they couldn't read each other's walls on FB, now that they have un-friended each other.

She went in to work for about an hour on Sunday, and that's when she must have sent him a message about it. (the notification I found was a reply from him.)

So, she can't IM him any more, but she certainly isn't going to be denied some form of contact with him. In the past, I know that he has posted statuses that were directed at her: subtle ones, based on shared experiences, etc. (Because of my investigations, I knew what he was referring to as well.)
If I bring this up, she'll just say that she wants to know that he is okay, etc.

<sigh>

Not doing so well today...

We all have bad days, which is not really comforting. But at least you don't have to feel alone. And you didn't cause your bad day.

One of the prevailing sources of misery and crime is in the generally accepted assumption, that because things have been wrong a long time, it is impossible they will ever be right. (John Ruskin)

Don't let yourself get too far down that path of doubt and sorrow. You can keep hoping and moving forward.



Nauseating, isn't it? It's part of the process unfortunately. Enjoy the hills, and plan ways to avoid (or at least prepare yourself for) the valleys. If you work out a strategy in advance on how to pull yourself out of the valleys, maybe it will be shorter and less painful when the bottom does drop out of your world. (And now I'm going to read this for myself!)



And you were so relaxed and optimistic about the weekend on Friday. It's a shame she undermined that Friday night. How could it have gone differently? What could you have done to improve the situation even after her admission?





This is crunch time. You said NO contact. Did you mean it? What is the consequence for her choosing to keep in contact in any way? And tell her flat out that it is none of her business or concern how the OM is. He is not her problem. He is an adult and he'd better be capable of taking care of himself because if she wants you she can't "help" him. No more of this - you deserve better. Remember, a boundary has no purpose unless you're willing to enforce it.

Sorry the weekend was awful and that you're still miserable today. Smile even if you don't feel like it, and think that tomorrow is a new day. Make it a better day for you, regardless of what she does or says.

So, here I am again. Talked to W last night, and I am honestly at a loss.
The more info I find out, the more I am convinced that the EA had started up again.
* turns out she had seen OM one other time besides last week. ("we had coffee together") I know that she is lying to me--telling me only the bare minimum.
* She got another ride home from OM besides the one I know about. Again, probably telling me only what she thinks she can get away with.
* She basically had nothing to say when I told her that she started up the EA again.
* She basically had nothing to say when I told her that she was willing to risk my trust and our marriage for him.
* She basically had nothing to say when I went through the progression of her having contact with him after a period of NC, and then slowly leading up to talking to him every day and seeing him once in a while, all the while lying to me and risking everything that we had gained and all the healing I had done. I told her that this is called addiction.

All she could say was "I want you to believe in me", "I love you", "I want only you", etc., etc.. Well, gosh, it seems like I have heard that before.

So, here is what I'd like some advice about: I can get her account info for all her stuff, and I can monitor it (and be less productive at work, stressed out about finding something) and just wait to be disappointed. Or, I can just trust her and not put myself through it, but at this point, I have no reason to trust her.

I'm feeling a bit numb right now.

Ugh.