Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done was up there...now im down here.

Hey all, my sitch is listed below and we are now officially divorced.

However i am still very much in love with my xw. It even hurts to call her an X but i guess that is what she is.

Here is the situation now. Divorce but we still hang out. She comes over to my place every once in a while, but I go over to hers quite a bit. Sometimes 3 or 4 times a week for dinner or hanging out. We still kiss. We still ML although that seems to be winding down for whatever reason. But i still sleep over.

It seems to me that my expectations get the better of me. When I am happy and animated my company is very much wanted. She initiates contact and snuggles, even kisses. But when I have problems that i need help with, she obviously hesitates. However when she has problems, i am there for her and most of the time I help with her problems (disparity?).

I am not sure how to proceed. The very day our divorce was official she came over to my house and proceeded to tell me in person. She was crying. I was silent but angry and sad. She kept touching my face, my arms. Laid down next to me and cried in my arms. She kept trying to kiss me. Suddenly I came out of my silence and grabbed her and kissed her deeply and passionately. We reciprocated and we had an intense ML session. About half way through i spoke directly into her soul and told her that I loved her and that this was a huge mistake (the divorce). She shook her head and we had mad passionate sex.

That was before xmas. We went on trip to disney together which she at first did not feel like she should go because of the situation, but the day I left she called me crying saying that she wished she could go. I invited her to go and she caught the next plane out. After the trip she got distant as usual. She had her 30th bday and she was with her enabling friend and possibly the OM came by or something. (note on the OM, there is no PA, but i suspect an EA of somesort at this point).

A few days pass, i address her coldness and rekindle passion. She goes on to say that the trip to disney was the most fun she has had with me in a long time (we took D4 and D12).

So i do not know what i am doing. I def want to get back together. But i dont know how to do this now that we are divorced.

It seems to me that she is perfectly ok with hanging out with me in a family sort of way. She has said that she is willing to go on a date with me in the recent past, but i am not sure how she feels at this point.

tonight i am supposed to go over there and cook dinner and watch American Idol(tradition), with her and kiddos. We watch AI after kiddos go to bed. But tomorrow she is leaving on an overnight kayaking trip with "Friends". I feel jealous and left out.

I am sure i am leaving out more details, but this is the jist of my sitch.

Any advice is more than welcome. Thank you all for your time.

Hey Undrdg -

Not sure I have advice, but I've got a very similar situation. Divorce isn't finalized, but we're not "working on it" - and I haven't thought of myself as actively DBing for some time.

At the same time, we've spent time together recently, going to movies, I took her to a New Year's party, etc. I've been going to the house for dinner regularly, etc. Yeah, I go over there and watch Heros with her.

So, yeah, I don't know what I'm doing either.

W - well, I guess STBX now - starting talking about delaying the divorce among other things, and in the next conversation, she pulled that back. She misses me, she wants me around, she likes doing things with me, she has second thoughts but is confused. And she said, she's got emotions that have nothing to do with anybody else - she's got things of her own to sort out.

Why do I participate in this? I suspect the answers are comfort, familiarity, etc.

Why do you particiate it in? I'm interested to know.

I don't think it's healthy. That jealousy you feel, how long can you live with it? I've got anger, and I feel like appearing to accept certain things erodes my self-respect.

I don't know, maybe our goals are different (you and I, I mean). I'm convinced I need to move on but I'm doing a poor job of it. I've been back and forth on the spectrum over the last months, but haven't been consistant. Maybe like how an addict experiences a relapse.

Sorry, none of this is advice. What do you think?

All I can say is take it day by day and take it for what it is.

Essentially, don't look to far into it. Simply, you enjoy each other's company, and apparently still have connection. By taking it day by day, you're essentially doing the very same thing you'd do as if you were with someone new, which is kind of the concept of reconcilliation in my opinion, forgive the past, learn from it and move forward with what you've learned.

undrdg,

I envy you. I will soon be divorced myself and she is moving out this weekend. Sounds like you have more than a good chance at reconciliation.

In my case she told me we could still be friends but "on her terms only". Whatever that means. Right now she is acting like anything but a friend to me so I guess this wont be for a while and take a lot of PMA from me towards her to work.

I still wonder if being her friend after the divorce will even help me if she is in MLC or if going dark would be better. At least right now I don't think there is an OM, although Im not 100% sure about this.

I also have a bit of jealousy and I am working on that. If she finds an OM then it may rear it's ugly head but I doubt it. My friends and family are keeping me grounded right now.

Im too new and emotional to give advice but I would say that dday hit the nail on the head.

God I envy you undrdg. Wish I was at that stage. Ill probably never get there and have to move on to something new.

G450 there is nothing to envy believe me. Every situation is different as people are different. The best advice someone gave me was to be more than generous with what you give your ex. That helped me move into a very comfortable position. Be generous if you can, that is, but do not give more if more is not deserved, or if she poses some sort of threat. 23 years of marriage is nothing to ignore. Go and be the man. Give her more than she asks for and see how it goes.


Bill M sounds like you are the reverse of me. What it sounds like to me is that you say you want to move on, but you don't really want to. This comfort thing that everyone talks about, I don't think its comfort, or history, or whatever, its love. How can it not be? You aren't comfortable with someone the very first day you meet them. you are quite the opposite. It sounds to me like you still lover her. maybe start again and go slow.

I am headed over there now to make dinner. Watch tv and head home. I will post more later.

I think you may be right.

Am i a bad person? I had D all weekend long. For the first day it was good. But then i couldn't wait to give her back. I feel terrible. I love my daughter, but I am starting to think I cannot do this. Everything about her reminds me of xw.

Everyday I think I am doing ok, and then bam out of nowhere is start feeling hopeless. LIke she is phasing me out.

Perhaps it is best if I disappear for a bit. I tried to go to "family" dinner tonight, but I got a freaking anxiety attack there. I made up some lame excuse that i had to work tonight and left. She knew i was bluffing, but i can't very well tell her that i think i am having a heart attack when i see her.

I am not sure what to do here. I feel weak. I feel hopeless.

Give yourself time to adjust. No, you're not a bad person, you're dealing with change, and you can do this. Be patient with yourself.

Time for what Bill? To know that i will never have my wife back? To know that eventually i have to come to grips with the fact that some other Ahole is going to be raising my baby girl?

That last part is the root of my jealousy. I cannot stand the idea of another man telling my little girl what to do.

My parents are divorced and remarried. My step father did a lot for me, but i cannot imagine how my own father dealt with it. I struggle with that aspect of this divorce.

I still love her. But i know that a lot of what down was my fault. My fault for not working hard enough. My fault for not communicating. Yeah i know db tells you forgive yourself and accept that it takes 2 make it work, blah blah blah, but how.
It doesn't tell you how.

Hey i forgive myself.

Oh wait maybe not.

This week I am so hurt. I do not even want to talk to her. She has called me 2 times, but i can't talk to her. Just thinking about her right now makes my heart leap out of my chest.
Am I going dark just for the hell of it? Is there a reason to go dark? Why now? Sigh. I think im doing this all wrong.

Hey Underdog,

i'm an amateur. But you sound mighty depressed to me. Have you discussed this with a doctor. A lot of people say that anti-depressants have helped them get through the tough times. it doesn't mean you have to take it forever. Just until things get a little easier for you.