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help!!!!

i really have no idea what to do in this situation - wife is visably upset, crying and just lying on bed (kind of like i was before i found this place) - if i walk by she just looks at me, and says "what?" - i just told her our daughter had lunch and i was going back to work and left.

i do not want to fall into an argument trap but it kills me to see her like this - trying to keep my emotions from taking over - but doesn't this make me look like i don't care in here eyes?

very confused!!!!!

okay....so trying ton to backpedal is EXTREEMLY difficult. Not saying "i love you" and not giving her a hug or kiss before i leave for work makes me feel like i am showing her i don't care anymore.

on the other hand she still gets visably upset and knows i am working on fixing myself....to which she posed me an interesting question this morning and i did not know how to answer.

"i know you are working on fixing you, but what about me?" - i took that as how do we fix her?

i personally think she suffers from at least mild depression, but has refused my suggestions in the past to at least go to a MD to get checked out - "not a chance" she wants to see any kind of councling.

do i tell her to GAL? i want so much for our freindship to be renewed (one of my R goals).

Your answer: "W, I have a lot on my plate right now. I don't know... but if there is one thing I have learned from this, only I can make myself happy. I can't depend on you for that."

Gman, keep doing what you're doing. It's working. She is doing an about turn and questioning herself. This is good. One thing I can tell you is this: MAKE SURE YOUR CHANGES ARE PERMANENT. One slip up will reset her mind back to the bomb. i.e. "See... this is all an act. I don't trust him." Those tears she was shedding were tears of guilt.

With respect to her problems... you can't do a thing about them. You don't tell her what to do or how to improve herself while she is "walking towards the door." When she makes a sincere and honest commitment, ONLY THEN can you become the knight in shining armor. Any time before that she may view as manipulation.

That is what i keep saying to her - i have to work on me right now. I see the looks on her face like she wants me to say more, but in my gut i feel it is a trap to see if i am just trying to manipulate her like you have suggested.

trust me - i feel like the whole world has opened before me. i am going out running every night like i used to years ago, i am reading (too bad i didn't see these signs before they dropped on me)




Thanks - that is exactly the kind of advice i was looking for - just feel like she needs me more than ever, but do not want to pursue and derail the little hope i have right now.

I agree 100% with gnosis - her problems are HER problems, it's not your responsibility to fix them.

If she wants to works on them that's her business.

You have to work on YOU.

one of the things she used to accuse me of was being selfish - doesn't this make me come off as selfish in her eyes?

i mean i totally understand the "why" but i fear "what" she may be thinking while watching me "fix" myself.

How are you selfish to work on you?

How is she NOT being selfish to suggest you fix her too?

Now I think I have heard it all... that about takes the cake.

never even crossed my mind to think of it like that - she is the one who wanted to walk not me, i will continue down my path.

nice and to the point insite CityGirl - thank you!

Gman, you have received excellent advice, Become the best you can be.

Burt

Gman,

I don't have too much time to post, but I feel you are on the right path.

Focus on you. Do not explain anything to her. Just keep making positive changes.


Focus on you children. DO NOT LET WIFE CONTROL YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.

Wife: Listen, validate, Empathize.