Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Thought I was done

Thanks Mark.

Well, haven't talked to her at all today. Makes you feel a little more centered, doesn't it, when you can do that and not struggle too much.

Do you guys ever feel this - I feel sick of myself, I want new thoughts in my head. Arg.

How did she try? Isn't she still seeing OM? Classic WAS script. (((Bill)))
I'm with Karen on this. She's very confused, but (you probably know this) you need to detach.

Yes, it is easier not seeing WAS. Not to say I'm not still on the rollercoaster. But it is definitely better, usually. It's just upsetting to see/hear from him. Obviously I need to take my own advice! Detachment, sounds so much simpler than it actually is. Hang in there, you will get through this.

[/quote]Do you guys ever feel this - I feel sick of myself, I want new thoughts in my head. Arg.[quote]


Ditto that. New thoughts, please come! I have had to resort to reciting the multiplication tables.

Make a list of all you are grateful for.

List 3 things you will do today - then do them.

Pray, then pray for someone else.

Call a friend and ask about them.

Play with children or your dog.

Exercise

Learn to juggle.



If you have trouble changing your thoughts change your actions. This gets your mind focused somewhere else. You can handle it.

More help look up Martin Seligman and Albert Ellis. Read about CBT.

Hey LFA - sorry, that was unclear - the context of the comment was, we spent the weekend together, we were intimate, she tried to feel like "us" but it didn't wipe away everthing else.


Yeah, it's strange - we have good times, which grows the desire in me to continue to spend time with her. I do feel more centered at the moment, though. It does dampen the roller coaster.

So, I stayed late at work last night. My focus is still a bit off, but forcing myself to focus on work. We're doing our annual performance reviews now, and I've got a lot of paperwork to do for my team members. Actually kind of worried about my own review after the past 6 months, but my managers are aware of what's going on. Talked to a friend on the way home, and actually called up the woman I had seen for awhile last fall and talked to her. Being alone in the apartment is kind of depressing, so I just try to talk to people.

But I've got guitars to play, books to read, all that. Think I'm going to have the boys at the aparment this weekend.

One of them actually asked the other day, hey, when are we going to stay at Dad's again? With some enthusiasm - not bad, eh?

I'm grateful for my boys -
I'm grateful for my friends and family -
I'm grateful for the security I do have, including my job
I'm grateful for the progress I have made, and I'm still relatively OK after all.
I'm grateful that things are not worse than they are - we're not figting about custody, and we do have good moments.

Bill,

She is still cake eating and probably will be until the ink is dried on the divorce decree. It seems that she values you as a wallet more than as a man. And she is getting scared that the ATM isn't going to work for her in a few months. So she was intimate with you, probably as a well to test if you are still wrapped. Or maybe she was just randy. Who really knows how these waywards think.

Just be careful with your heart. I can tell, and so can she, that you still care for her. If you can detach and and see sex as just recreation then perhaps you can continue doing that. I can't do that . . . it muddles up my thing something fierce.

Yes, I still care for her. And I'm with you, the sex just muddles things up.

Had antother big fight last night, then she texted later to say sorry. We ended up talking late.

The fight was because she went ahead and set up court dates, even though we haven't done any negotiation. THe lawyers really aren't doing what we're asking them to do. Mostly her lawyer. Pretty clearly, he's trying to push us to court.

Late night we talked about getting a mediator and taking the lawyers out of it. Which was our plan from the beginning.

And that's what I had said to her: you don't do what you say you're going to do.

She also said last night that she's not sure she's doing the right thing. But she can't see the way from here to reconciliation.

I did tell her that, after all I said about I can't trust her, and it would be difficult, I said, after all that, it's still a decision to trust.

It's pretty clear that, her vision of "if we're supposed to be together" is to divorce, spend time apart, and explore it afterwards. I told her I don't think I could do that. And she said, well, so be it.

So yeah, I kind of put myself out there, and I shouldn't have.

But, we're setting up the appointment for family therapy, that's something. And hopefully she'll stand by what she's saying about going to a mediator. I really don't know if I can trust she'll do what she says she's going to do, because we've been through this before.

I looked at model homes today with my boys. Made me feel that hole in my heart. I've never done that, looked at buying a home, without her.

She wants to sell the house. I'm wondering if it makes sense for me to keep it. I'm not sure I'd want to stay in our 5-bedroom house without her. Too many echos (both literally and figuratively).

Esox, I just think that she's not thinking clearly. She's ruled by competing emotions, and her behavior is wildly inconsistant. The more I've tried to figure it out, the more I'm sure there is nothing to figure out.

Gotta go, taking my boys to a birthday party.

She's clearly confused, and I agree with Esox about what he says too.

What I believe is that you shouldn't try to work on an R or M with her as long as OM is still in the picture. If she was truly wanting to reconcile with you, she would be willing to give up OM, go into counseling, etc. If she was willing to do that, you would be willing to put more trust in her and some of the problems she is complaining about you wouldn't be an issue.

I think until she truly wants reconciliation and is willing to show that by her actions, then you need to detach, DB, and not even try to work on a R with her. I think you should go dark as much as possible as well. GAL, spend time with your kids, etc. Focus on you and your kids. Go back to classic DB as much as you can. Don't fight her filing for D. Let her have consequences. Detach, detach, detach....

I agree. I do.

I'll be completely honest with you. The thing about "I'm not working on it" and "I'm not DBing anymore" was a perfect justification for not putting in the discipline, and going and getting my emotional band-aids from her.

I still have work to do in being on my own. Regardless of DBing or not. Seriously - a day goes by and I haven't talked to her - is that a big accomplishment at this point in the game? No, it's not.

I've been OK in the GAL department - going out to dinner with friends, doing stuff with my boys, talking to old friends on the phone, putting focus on work, etc. So yeah, I can keep that up. The damn ache doesn't go away, but at this point for me it's a matter of discipline - acknowledging it but not wallowing in it. The difference these days is knowing that, just because it's there, doesn't mean I have to DO something about it - go fix it somehow, or let it dominate. Well, time has certainly helped too. But, for example, tonight I enjoyed a random conversation at the birthday party I took my kids to, vs. feeling like I was making myself do it. Things are becoming normal-ish.

Yeah, you guys are right, more distance and detachment. For one thing, will just lead to cooler heads. Yeah, I miss her a lot. And I also miss my identity as husband, and the routine, and the future I had in mind, and the perfect life for my kids, etc. But the truth is those things are all in a bubble that's pinched off from my currently available reality. I don't really feel sorry for myself anymore. I think mostly I need to continue to develop new habits. Not let my actions be motivated by some mirage of hope, or need for a momentary boost. What will happen will happen. So my job is to take it day by day and proceed in a healthy way.

OK I'm completely rambling now. Thanks for the inputs guys.

I've gone completely dark, it's starting do drive me nuts. The last conversation I had with my WAW was about a week ago about an argument where she wanted to rent movies for her and OM to watch using my video store account but couldn't. The advantage I have on my side is I can afford the D and she can't - there is no joint checking account, we were broke when she left, I saved up and she blew all her money. This is going to be a real fun ride. Anyways, we're still involved in legal matters with the kids where I'm doing pretty well and she isn't. I did have a pending criminal matter, just got word that all charges are dropped which imo is the way it should be. I am afraid of what's going to happen to WAW over her new bad checks... her mail comes to my house and the joint checking account her and OM have is severely overdrawn, although I haven't opened envelopes, just by the number that arrive - almost daily for almost a month now. Since I haven't talked to her I can at least keep myself out of the situation when it comes to blame, or at least I hope so. I think when she realizes the reality of her situation is when she'll come around, but the problem is I won't be her ladder back up. I need to know she's in it for us, not for her benefit regarding kids or money. Hang in there Bill, wait it out, I'll do the same. Make sure to GAL, that's why I've been gone a lot lately, but tonight I haven't had much luck finding people and places to go. Hopefully that's not a common thing.