Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My story, what to do next.

You have a couple of options that I have seen work from past experience...

1) act perfectly happy with your life. Agree with her that divorce would be the best thing. Pursue the divorce FASTER than she wants to. and act like a mature, confident man who is going somewhere with his life and is anxious to get there with or without her...


2) this is another option..
expose the affair to his wife, his work, your wife's work etc. etc...

A lot of times when the OM is having an affair and his wife finds out about it, he will drop YOUR wife like a hot potato.
I know you said he was getting a divorce, but he could be lying about that to your wife. Don't tell your wife what you are doing. Once your wife finds out she will most likely be furious. So be it. Your marriage can survive her anger, but it can't survive with a 3rd person in it.....

In the meantime, just be nice to your wife, don't be overboard with love or affection. Just be nice and in your own world. Don't act unhappy or angry or upset. Life is good. Don't talk about the relationship. If she brings it up, just tell her you hear her loud and clear.. "you want a divorce, I understand and agree that divorce may be for the best. Let's get it done with..." (THAT is how you validate a person.agree with their stance and shut up.. trust me they feel heard and validated when you just agree)

when you take that type of attitude and position regarding the diovrce, usually THEY suddenly slow it down and hem and haw. It actually works FOR you when you act like you WANT to pursue divorce. It gains respect for you. Suddenly they aren't so sure it is what they want.

Completely acted like the WAS today. I told her how exciting it is to be able to be free and that I was curious about how different girls would be in bed. Walked around with my shirt off with my new fit body looking great. She questioned how I felt about our relationship. I told her divorce is for the best for both of us. We are going to find happiness in other places than here, and that I didn't want the life that I was living with her. I told her that I had been holding on to reconcilliation because I thought it was best for the kids.
I said that doing that was for the wrong reasons as I should do whats best for me. Which is the D of course.

I continued on through the day with an "as if" attitude.
We talked about her taking off work tomorrow so we could figure out finances, seperate checking ect.. We are also going to work out a way to rent out the place she is living in so she could find another place a farther away. She said it would be too weird with all my new girlfriends coming over.

By the end of the night she had her tongue down my throat ready to go for it. (she hasn't given me one bit real affection in almost 4 months!!) I finally told her she better get home and mabey she needs to take one of her vibes with her.


She also mentioned how she wished we could have caught this sooner because she thinks we could have worked it out, that I am one of the few people that actually understand her..

ADVICE TO ALL... TURN INTO THE WALK AWAY SPOUSE. PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE AND THEY WANT IT EVEN MORE IF IT IS JUST OUT OF THEIR REACH....

I will now continue to play this game to the fullest to see if I can reach my goal. Wish me luck.

There is some truth to what you said about wanting what they can't have, but you may have gone too far if you wanted to really save the marriage. I hope it works for you. I told my WAW that I was done committing until she was ready to, that was all. I have a current OW that it's not going to last with, and WAW knows this. When she found out I had a OW she got angry even though she had OM, then said it was ok. We started talking about OW and when I said it wouldn't last and pointed out her flaws to WAW I was right back where I started. I will break it off with OW this week, and after that I do plan on having another OW and playing my cards a little closer to myself.

While it might be partly a game in every situation, if it's only a game to get her back she'll see right through it. Make the changes for yourself so that no matter what the outcome you come out a better person through the experience. That's what this is all about.

Had another great day today. Talk alot about everything and we really connected. Her actions have definately taken a 180. She is initiating touching and has mentioned interest in having sex again. She is also being extremely flirty and talking very sexual about things that she knows turn me on. I had to put a hault on her advances and continue to talk of my future relationships with other W. I plan on holding out on sex if the issue persists at least for a couple weeks using the idea the "you really want what you can't have mentality". Any other comments on this?

Sex is very sacred to her and she has always said that she could not have it with someone she did not love. I have also heard that once a woman has sex with someone she feels she is in a committed relationship (when you feel connected sex of course). Any women out their that could give insight on this.
I just fear that I would be dropping my leverage if I gave in so soon.

MarkG,
thanks for your insight. perhaps "game" was mis-used. I have gotten myself to a very good place and I know I will be fine with whatever happens in my sitch. In a way my actions are a game, but I know that my confidence is so high that there is no way I could show my hand. I have learned greatly from past mistakes.
thanks

Just got finished reading dane's thread and his W is trying the sex approach to try and pull him back into her script. My sitch is a little different because last 3 days have been all about connection, but regardless sex is not on my radar anymore. We literally talked nonstop for almost 10 hrs today. Not one fight and I have been a validating machine lately.

She said today that for the past 4 months she has just been concerned with herself and that she really never looked at this through my POV. She said she is really trying to understand things my way.

Anywho, Seems like I have found some good DB techniques for the time being.

Sounds good. Another idea of the approach now that you mentioned it is to make her wait until she sees your whole POV. My W gets into the accusations in every conversation, and while I do validate, I have the same situations. She talks about this time she "felt like" I was unfaithful (July), and there is some validity in that, but she fails to realize how important it was she had PA with 2 men (May and July) before our split and the current EA/PA (Aug-Nov, Dec-current). 1 of the other men was supposed to be EA as well until she found out she was OW to him and he was just playing the field. In Nov she told me how heartbroken she was about OM not taking her back after she dumped him, I told her how heartbroken I was after she left. I think my being needy during that convo was what drove her back, because after she left OM and made comments like "we're probably not getting divorced but I have to work on some issues" I pretty much had it til I ran too fast. Remembering our last breakup in 06 the sex started before the R. She left in June that time, came back to town in Sept, started sleeping together around end of Sept beginning of Oct, officially back together on xmas. But back to my current, W and OM have the reasoning skills of children and overreact and throw fits. Because of the fact social services has custody of the kids (who do physically live with me) she needs a 2BR apt/house before she can get them back, she had OM move in to help her pay for the place she can't afford. They then realized they couldn't afford it together, so they also got 2 roommates.... so much for the girls' bedroom. What she doesn't realize is that social services won't return custody with OM or roommates present, and she'll have to keep the place herself. They've supported their lifestyle so far by his rubber checks, so I'll assume it's not long before they have no rent money and are evicted. Our D5 has not yet accepted the separation as permanent, and the counselor that supervises W's visits twice a week has to constantly remind her of things such as keep OM away during visits. I'm pretty sure she didn't think this all through very much so I think I'll just wait this out until something eye-opening happens to her because I doubt if it's very far off.

Another good day. she watched the kids and I went to her pad and read DR. Came back once kids were in bed and we had nice talk about our day for 1/2 hr.

She says that her reason for wanting D is because we don't talk, we fight too much and connection is gone. I just need to stay strong, keep my emotions in check and continue to make myself better. (IMO "problems" are getting better as I get stronger)

Any other advice on sex with WAW?

If there is not OM:

Do you want better sex? Politely decline her offers, while still building up the sexual tension by flirting.

Read "she come first" before you have sex with her. When the time is right, you show her an amazing night she would be crazy to walk away from.......

If there is OM. I would not have sex with her until she proves she is committed to the relationship.