The hurting and suffering are things that you can control.
Look at having the kids on Friday as not a problem, but an opportunity.
What is different now versus what would be if you are divorced? About the only things I can think of if you D now is you would be a lot poorer and you would be single so as to date.
You really need to reach a point where you can say to yourself that you did all you did to save your marriage. I dont think you are there yet.
The hurting and suffering are things that you can control.
Look at having the kids on Friday as not a problem, but an opportunity.
What is different now versus what would be if you are divorced? About the only things I can think of if you D now is you would be a lot poorer and you would be single so as to date.
You really need to reach a point where you can say to yourself that you did all you did to save your marriage. I dont think you are there yet.
Do you still desire and love your wife?
Kerry-
Ok so I'm still trying to find the magic as to how to control the hurting and suffering because it only gets worse every day.
YES. Absolutely. I very much desire and love my wife.
Ok... so yes. I may not be there yet... but I just don't see any end in sight.
You all have been so helpful and supportive, and I spend so much time here looking at the resources, trying to wrap my head around it all... trying to work on the things that you have all told me to work on.
but I just get worse every day. I am a brutally honest person. I cannot say "cool" when my wife tells me that she wants me to take the kids so that she can "clean" the house. she does not have a job. the kids go to school. then they sleep at 7. she has all day long to get the house in order. to say she wants to drive two hours on friday and me drive two hours on friday (to meet and exchange the kids) so that then she can drive two hours back on friday (total 4 hours)to spend friday night to collect her thoughts... then drive another 4 hours (the full distance)on saturday ("or sunday") to meet me where I am... its ludicrous. I can't say cool to that any more.
I cannot have her tell me that she will sleep on the couch, but then want me to come and spend the night with her at a hospital ball in 3 weeks.
At some point, she needs to make a decision.
I totally hear all of you... I really want to do what you say. but I have lost total faith that anything will be different in two weeks. I feel that I have opened all the doors for her to live in alien land, and I'm not sure I want to keep doing that anymore.
for what it is worth, she said she would drive down here on friday with the kids and would tell me everything she wants in a husband...
I was really ready to head up there tomorrow or the next day to start working on the D.
again. I admire all of you for how strong you can be to get through all of this. But for me it is not just this. it is the kids, the job, the life, the isolation... everything. probably too much for one man to handle for as long as I have.
so I need to make a move...
I did look at flying lessons yesterday. 7,000 all told.... yikes.
I do not want to disappoint you or let you down, especially after all the time you have spent trying to help me.
I have been really trying to figure out how to use this time to my advantage (I'm sure you laugh since its been like 3 weeks). To me a day is an eternity... so time is really warped, for what it is worth.
We have all been where you are. I know you don't believe us but detaching really does help. You can look at it like your W just had a car accident and you can no longer converse with her. Yes there will be a certain amount of grieving because you just lost your wife, but as time passes it does get easier.
This is a link for this. Give it a shot. You can do this.
There are no quick or easy fixes to these things. We've tried to tell you that.
This divorce busting is not for the faint of heart.
Maybe your marriage isn't worth it to you. Maybe your wife doesn't mean that much to you. Maybe months of difficulty, hardship, hurting, and separation now are not worth it to you, even if it means restoration at some point.
I'm guessing that none of that's true, but...eye opener maybe?
Jack is right. Your problem is that you are still focused on the mess ending. Common and natural. But it's a killer to making it thru this and still having a shot at a marriage.
So what happened for real over the weekend? Some new revelation? Because you got quiet for a few days, and now you're "just not sure I can do this." I call bs on that.
You went in to this weekend expecting to get it all fixed. You went in to the weekend hoping that your wife was coming, that she was going to fall over you in love again, and that things would be fixed by Monday.
Right?
And when it didn't happen, when she actually left again without even suggesting that things were improving....well, you emotionally tanked.
And then you got pissed.
Come on Bradley. You're a bright guy. This isn't all that hard to get the hang of.
In my opinion, you're still a little bit torn. You want your wife and marriage again, but you want it on your terms. There's some reason that you've hesitated in deciding on your kids or your job. See, for me? It's a no brainer - you only get one set of kids, and eventually they grow up and are gone. Career and job be damned, my kids come first. I'm not hearing that from you, at least not without a "yeah, but..."
Somethings not right here....
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I am gonna enter a guess that the heart to heart didn't go as well as you would have liked it.
Here is the thing, you spent all of these years working toward your one goal. The "perfect" life of a Dr. You already had the W, the kids came along, becoming the DR, was the end of your list. You got there, the hard part was supposed to be over and it was gonna be sugar and spice from here on out right?
Wrong.
Now is when you were supposed to start living, so start living.
The plan has changed. There is more work to do.
As I see it, you have two options...
Roll over, admit defeat and repeat this down the road at somepoint.
Or give yourself and her some time. Do the work. Stop questioning her motives. Stop the judgement of what she does. Who cares if she wants to do all of that driving. It might actually do her some good. You are trying, in your head at least, to dictate how you think she should spend her time. That is not up to you even if you are happily married.
No it isn't going to be different in two weeks. Or two months. Or two years if you keep going like this.
But it could be different over time, IF you take the time.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I am trying my best. Perhaps at least mentally it will allow me to detatch if I have brought up the D word... maybe that will help.
she's a hot mess.. no doubt about that.
The thing that I guess I haven't liked is she has been dictating everything-- what happens on the weekends, planning ahead... all those things.. so its been quite the opposite about how I think she should be spending her time.
she's sposed to come down this weekend with the boys.
I totally understand there are no quick fixes... I've been at this for 6-7 months now... time is all relative I suppose.
Over the weekend we had a heart to heart (brought up by her)... resolved to "wait another couple of weeks to see how she felt".
I didn't go into the weekend expecting it to get all fixed... although maybe you are right that deep down I did.
as for the job... its just that I'm following her to be with her and the kids.. taking a job that is not what I trained 13 years to do. I do agree that the kids are very important but don't I need to feel satisfied and happy with my work in order to be the best dad for them?
