Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I've hit a wall.. Now what?

Hi Everyone - I feel good being on here. I'm not sure why I didn't do it sooner!

Breathe - you hang in there too! I've been at this hard core for a few months and it IS working. If it helps at all its made a big difference for me to go NC. I don't contact him at all and I'm friendly but resevered when he contacts me. He went from not telling me anything about his life to giving me some details about how he's spending his time...

Mark,
I'm changing for me and he knows it! I actually told him to stop telling people that I was doing it for him - that every time he does that he de-values all of the hard work that I'm putting in to deal with my issues. You should have seen the look on his face!

I'm not ok with the dating thing... it just freaks me out. But I am going out and having a good time. I know that the WAS really has a hard time with it in general. Tonight is the first "experiement" in that .... and TAH DAH it worked. I am going out with a good friend of mine - male - to a concert where another friend's band is playing. I hate to got bars alone... safety.. so he's coming along. I posted a status update online that I was "looking fine, properly "chaperoned" and has the perfect attitude for the night". Low and behold about 20 min later I got a text from H asking me to do something for him tomorrow... totally unnecessary.

I'm really really happy most days. Even thoug this isn't what I want there is a big part of me thats very greatful. The seperation forced me to deal with my issues and I feel like me again! I haven't been this happy - truly happy - in a long time. Too bad he's missing it.... GALing has been the best thing thats happened to me during this time. I've taken salsa classes, cooking classes, spent a ton of time with friends, I'm renovating my house, I threw myself a birthday party - its been great!

Sandi,
I'm looking forward to being part of the family!

OH and did I mention I've lost 30 lbs since he left. I've gotten back into my hobby of running and its been VERY good to me!


Ok - Back to the serious stuff. I am looking for some feedback on my sitch and I'm open to hearing how I can handle this.

Prez

Sounds good to me! You'll get his attention, but the part I'm starting to wonder about is how long you wait before giving in to the attention. Like I said before, I've got the results a few times but then jumped the gun on being needy. I suppose my problem was when she left OM I didn't wait for her to initiate the contact, but I'm wondering how much inattention is too much with her BPD. The main effect of BPD is thinking your loved ones don't care about you so this adds a little more apprehension when it comes to me letting things be with her. I just lately decided to fully give in to the advice since my way isn't working, have yet to see how the results will work.

Thanks Mark G.

The only contact I have had with him today was a TM regarding him coming to pick up hie clothes. I agreed that I wouldnt be here and asked that he doesn't bring anyone into my home. He stated he wouldn't and I left, Spent the whole day outside the home just getting home now. I believe he will contact me sometime next week, although I refuse to contact him. If he really wants to be with someone else then so be it. Athough I don't really want to be single. I found out tonight that my daughters 25 yr old friend thinks I an cute. Although that is wat too young for me and I wouldn't go there, still made me feel good. I am not ugly, am a size 0, I just dread the thought of being single again. I am going to wait this out and have a whole list of requirements if he ever wants to come back (I still Love him). I have this overwhelming desire to change my hair color, therefor change myself. I don't feel good enough. Still hurting and ashamed.

Sorry for the confusion with the name change - security hack issues facilitated a new email address and I changed the screen name to match so I wouldn't forget!


Hi Mark,
I haven't had any positive repsonse from H yet. He does seem to be overly interested in what's going on with me when he talks to mutual friends, but he also gives everyone the impression he's "perfectly" happy with OW. I could infer/assume some of his behavior is him waffling - based on the pattern's I've read on here - but he's never said anything to me but Divorce, Divorce, Divorce. I'm trying not to read anything into any of his behavior or communication. I have no way of truly knowing what he's thinking and it drives me crazy. I know he's noticing but nothing seems to be changing. I'm getting more and more detached, but I do struggle with that a little. How I handle this whole divorce talk - filing jointly - how to break up our complicated finances meeting is big. I haven't seen him or really talked to him much since mid Nov. I'm torn between just emailing him and telling him to file whenever - I don't care; and meeting with him so he can see more of the changes. Any thoughts?

I've done a pretty good job with PMA. It seems like the times when I get run over by a semi is when I start letting myself worry about what he's thinking and how he will react to me. My biggest issue is fully detaching so that I truly don't care what the outcome is for all this - I don't think I'm fully there yet. There are still days where I drive myself crazy thinking that something I do specifically will change him. I know its crazy but I still think sometimes if I handle this one specific meeting or email one specific way he'll come home. Anyone else struggling with this? I'm good most of the time - but then....

Does anyone have insight for a WAH - I see alot in insight on WAW's - any WAH on this site who can shed some light?

Hi Talia. I think your on the right path. detach and gal and 180.

Not much more you can do right now. Lean on family and friends for support.

Affairs suck. So you are going to have to wait it out and get to a point where your strong enough to say.

Do I really want this person in my life.



Keep up with the running. It really really helps put you in a good mood.

Does his family know ? Do you still talk to them ?

o.O hack? I'm going to guess H guessed your password to spy.... This definitely shows he's a lot more dependent than he'd like to admit. Sorry for going off on a tangent if I'm wrong. You showed up to the forums a lot sooner after the separation than I did. That plus this sort of news is definitely making me hopeful for you.



As far as the discussion with WAH over D, don't push too hard. There's an analogy on here about "dropping the rope" - meaning let go of trying to control the situation and see what happens. Pushing for D hoping for reverse psychology is possibly going to make him think you have given up entirely. I think they'd call that tying the rope to a horse, slapping it on the behind, and making it run the opposite direction you want it to go. I emailed my WAW last night, and despite the negative response (which I expected), I feel it went in my favor. She got extremely emotional, OM got jealous, and I remained calm. The email was nothing more than setting boundaries, telling her I'm done waiting for the talk we were supposed to have "later" 2 months ago, and that it's still not too late to save the marriage but I am done committing to it until she is ready to. Being anti-D has failed and will continue to, being pro-D will possibly just speed it up, but being neutral while you work on you will be what, if anything, brings him back.

Talia, I'm also trying to figure out a WAH situation. I'm curious how different the WAH/WAW psychologies are?

I went through some depression in my 20s (which caused the only other major crisis in our relationship), and now my H has been apparently depressed for a few years, so I've seen it from both sides. H still has a lot of anger about the experience of living with me when I was depressed. And I've been on the receiving end of a depressed H who can see anything positive about anything, including me or our marriage. I think that it's important for you to realize that, as painful as depression was for you, it may have been as painful for your H and he may have a lot of baggage about that. Esp a person who hasn't taken the time to understand depression and its effects may feel that "life's too short" to live with a depressed person and not recognize the role that depression is playing.

My H lost 2 brothers early in our R, and that cast a long shadow too. Of course it affected him, but not in the standard ways of expressing grief. It was and is hard for me to make the link of whether his (unresolved in his case) grief was affecting our M.

It's great that you're working on yourself and dealing with the painful events that you've faced. I would encourage you to be really honest with yourself about whether you are still depressed (do you think that other people see you laugh and have fun?). I have regrets about only doing IC when I was depressed, and not getting pharmaceutical help with jumpstarting positive changes. Once you're in a depression, it can create a deep rut and take a long time to climb out of.

I'm new to DBing so I don't have specific advice from you unfortunately. Except that, as permanent and inviolable as marriage is, it pales in comparison to the commitment of having children -- an act which binds parents together forever. Be double, triple, extra sure that he is the right guy for you if you are thinking about a future that involves children. Children only add to the stress on a M, stress that our M has faltered under.

Hi Mark,
The hack was through facebook actually. I hate that site! I don't think H knows about this site and even if he found this post he'll never guess the PW. I do know that he stalks my FB page and asks mutual friends about me. I'm hopeful that means he still cares in some weird twisted way. How long have you been going through this? Do you have a post on here with your story?

Cutter,
Thanks! I can still have contact with his family, but I choose not to. Every time H finds out I've talked to them he freaks out and makes my life miserable. Generally speaking they are on "my side" but they've circled the wagons too. They don't agree with H, but they are supporting him. FIL seems to be on H's side even though he says he's not. FIL thinks that H has always loved OW and only married me because I was there and H couldn't have OW. Thats nice to hear. Apparently thats how FIL feels about an ex of his and his current wife. Totally an in-appropriate thing to tell me. FIL allows OW at his home. He clearly dosen't have the morals he touts. FIL dosen't agree with D but since H's parents are D he see's how "it can be necessary". I agree when MIL was abusing the kids, but thats a whole different story. FIL seems to have bought into the falling out of love BS and apparently its my fault that H feels that way. H's sister walked out on her husband the same way about 1.5 years ago, they barely put things back together recently. She thinks this is all the same stuff from their childhood.

Flowmom,
Thanks for posting. I'm sorry you are here. Stick with the stuff in DR - it will be a life saver for you. I wish I had found it all sooner. If nothing else - it will help you stay sane! :)I'm not really sure if there are differences between WAH/WAW. I'm guessing they are similar, but was just curious IF there are differences.


The depression was a by product of major grief and loss with no way to cope. I've discussed the medication thing, its just not right for me. I'm doing great with IC and learning how to label my feelings and deal with them instead of stuff them away.

You are right, the depression was VERY hard on H. I can see it now as I look back. I think H internalized my unhappiness as his fault, which isn't how I felt at all, but that goes back to his insecurities. I can see how he might have felt that D is what I wanted. I was brutal to live with; my good friends have told me the reality of how I've been this last 1.5 yrs. I feel very bad about that, but I didn't know at the time and I didn't mean to be that way. It wasn't intentional. I know H was very hurt and I also believe he is depressed now too. He's said numerous times that "he has to move on", "he can't guarantee it won't happen again", "life's too short", all of it. H leaving was the violent wake up call I desperately needed. I think this would have been a much longer process if he hadn't left. I still get depressed, but now I know how to deal with it. Most people I know have been clear that they see a new me forming, and I feel like "me" again. Early in this process H & I sat down and I told him what I was learning in therapy and apologized for the things I realized I was doing. I asked if he could ever forgive me for it all. His response was along the lines of "If we split I don't have to". He's running from his own demons too and he needs to get help dealing with it.


I haven't told him this, but becoming depressed again is my biggest fear too. Although I'm doing well, I am very mindfull of slipping back. Depression runs in my family and I would have thought I could identify it - even in myself. The fact that it almost ate me alive without me realizing is scary. The good news is I have so many great coping mechanisms now and a better understanding of myself. That makes me hopeful that I can manage. Since this is not systematic depression but more situational depression that should be enough.



Now for the good part! I had a really really great weekend catching up with old friends. I haven't had that much fun in a really long time! Its nice to be able to do those things without worrying about what H thinks. He hated some of the choiced I made when I was younger and didn't want me to see that group of friends anymore. I realized this weekend that I can appreciate them for the happy times we shared without getting sucked back into the poor choices. We had alot of fun!


Sorry about the long post; but this is cathartic! It really is helping me to think through my situation when I'm answering questions.

Talia

talia, it sounds like dealing with your issues is going really well. An alternative to prescriptions is St John's Wort, an over-the-counter herbal remedy which you might want to investigate if you want help with mood management. Like you, I'm afraid of being depressed and I'm taking it now to ensure that serotonin is on my side. It's backed by a lot of research and I've personally found it helpful (H did too but he didn't continue taking it either).