Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Trying to move on

Lotus. You might be mistaking me for C-Bart. He's going to Retrouville. C-Bart, GIMA and I have very, very similar situations.

I would love for W to just go back to MC. We went once together back in February then once separately. She told me she told the counselor at her individual sessiont that her only goal in counseling was to convince me it was over.

I know this isn't going to be as easy as it sounded to me last night. The finances are just such a mess. Essentially she'll owe me a lot of money but have no way to get it -- so I don't know how that works.

Funny thing is I have a feeling my L may tell me it's in OUR best financial interest for me to move home while the D is finalized. I'm just speculating on that. I only had the one appointment with the guy. I have a lot to learn.

Step one of retaking control of my life. I sent W an email about the after school routine. I've been getting off work to go over to our house -- which I no longer live in -- to meet the girls off the bus.

Of course, it means I'm over there an hour a day and it just sucks and I haven't been able to stop myself from snooping.

I don't want to know what W is doing anymore, what bills she's paying or not paying, what she's getting in the mail.

So I sent her an email.

"We need to change the after school routine. From now on the girls need to come here after school. Once (the after school sitter) shows up at 3:30 p.m. we have a couple of options."

Then I laid the options out.

Clinging, I'm sorry dear...but I need to give you a little whack. Have you read CoDependent No More?
What is your most urgent need today?
Sleep. Eat. Exercise. Pray.
Dude, just chill out today. I don't know about you, but I have a giant Monday waiting for me tomorrow. So today, it's all about pampering Goldey. Now, I'm not really in charge of the plan, God is. So I'm really hoping His plan for me today includes a pedicure.
You're right. This is about establishing control.
Sorry for whacking you, I don't like to do it often. Really.
Although there is one guy I'd love to take out, with a dose of his own medicine.

Yep. This is the gameplan for someone in CTH's (and my) sitch.

Lotus, I know you are a big fan of Retro (and from reading about it, I think I would be too). But, whether its MC or Retro, don't you think that the WAS has to at least be open to discussing and considering reconciliation for those methods to be effective. And I'm not talking about being effective for learning co-parenting or communication. I'm talking about effective for reconcoliation.

Not trying to pick a fight, but I know from speaking to others here that went to Retro with a WAS who really had no intention of reconciliation, and Retro/MC was a train wreck.

Nope. You don't.



You REALLY ready for her to fight? Another alternative may be to file, sit down with her to discuss a settlement (not reconciliation) so she can see what post-D will look like interms of finances and visitation and hoilidays). You still send the same message ("I'm done") but may end up saving yourself a bunch of money. Not saying you are wrong in this part of your plan. Just another option to consider.



I'm sure Dottie is fantastic, but you don't owe her, or any of us here, anything. It's YOUR life, YOUR M, YOUR decision.



Maybe. Maybe even likely. But, you're mindreading. And you MAY be right. It's been a while since I read your thread, so forgive me if I'm wrong here (wouldn't be the first or last time for that). You sound angry and hurt. And that's both understandable and ok. God knows, I understand that. But, if you are making this decision to go forward based on emotion, I suggest you take a step back. 48 hour rule - if it's a good idea, it will still be so in two days, but the emotions will have subsided by then.

If you can truly say your deicision is based on logic v. emotion, then forge ahead. And you will never be at a point where some emotion is not involved with this decision. You just have to make sure emotion is in the back seat and that logic is driving.

Thanks Goldey. I took a couple of friends up on an offer to head out of state. We're going to Indiana to watch the football games at a casino and then listen to the Bears-Lions post-game show live.

I'm not a fan of either team, but it gets me out of the apartment. I'm also not a fan of giving away my money so I'm just going to watch the game and skip the gambling.

My Monday is pretty busy, but by chance my lawyer is supposed to call me. I expect to tell him my decision and schedule an appointment as soon as possible.

Yes. The 48-hour rule helped last night because I really wanted to call W back or send her to a text and I held off. I've been angry and upset before and either gave into my worst instincts or work up the next day and talked myself off the ledge.

This time the decision feels right. There are lots of things coming to a head at once. The lease is up in January. We have to discuss the summer camps and who pays for those. The awkward Valentine's Day/Anniversary days.

Getting the ball rolling will get this stuff laid out in print.

I've thought about this, but it would be hard for me. Filing now is going to put W in a bind -- but I can't worry about that. I'm not just seeking to put what we are doing now down in print. I want a significant change -- 50/50 joint physical custody and no child support. I want to split expenses like daycare, summer camps, theater stuff. But I want to stop blindly giving her 28 percent of my net income every two weeks when she outearns me by $8,000 per year and I'm already taking care of them 40 percent of the time.

That's something I don't think can be worked out face-to-face and I worry I'll cave.

Well, I had a well thought out reply for you and, as my W enjoys doing, she unplugged our router without any warning. Deep breath.

The gist of my response was that it sounds like you are making the right decision based on the right reasons.

I will keep praying for you.

And that I understand the anniversary/Valentines day issues as I have dealt with anniversary, W's birthday, and Christmas in the last 2 months or so. After that, Valentines Day doesn't seem so daunting.

I am going to do something for myself for Valentine's Day, just haven't figured out what. Probably going to be too cold to play golf or go fishing.

GIMA,

I have seen many people go to Retrouvaille and get many different results. And I have found that I cannot predict who will reconcile as a result of the experience, and who will not. Generally, I find that about 50% have a good experience and reconcile, 35% have a good experience and divorce anyway, and 15% have a bad experience. It is a small minority who actually have a bad experience and get nothing from it.

I agree that both spouses need to be open to the experience. That is why before they take the registration, Retrouvaille asks every spouse if they will come with an "open mind and a willing heart." However, there are people who say they are going with an open mind who don't, and there are those who get there with a closed mind and open up. So, I truly believe it never hurts to try to go there.

In this case, I suggested it only if she says she does not want a divorce. If she wants a divorce, so be it. I do think that I have seen other threads on which Clinging to Hope posted that he wished his wife would go to Retrouvaille with him. So I was suggesting a way for him to broach the subject. If I have him confused with someone else, I'm sorry, my mistake. i read many threads, and many people have similar situations, sometimes I mix them up.