Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Please..I really need some advice!!!

Guys. please help me....I am at the point where I usually do something to screw things up.....The boys have gone back to her and I am here thinking way too much....Talked to her a few ago about issues with 17 year old and she did not sound near as good as she did last night.....I have told myself that there were going to be many more hard times, but I guess I got my hopes up....

I know I have got to stay the course, but today she sounds so matter of fact about things.....I am tired of this and i know that once this week with the boys is up, she is going to see the OM.....This sucks....I quit seeing a great woman because I knew my feelings were not right for that.....I really believe she feels the same, but she can't seem to give him up.....I know that is none of my business now, but it still hurts...I am tired of hurting and wish I could move on....

My advice is short and simple.

You have two options -

1. What you have done so far is working. Keep doing it. Don't be clingy or needy as that has pushed her away in the past.

2. Tell her no more until she stops seeing the OM.

Stop reading things into what she is saying and stop reading things into her tone. You don't know in a week if she is seeing the OM and if she does, there is nothing you can do about it. Stop mind reading.

And WTF is all this ILY's about? She's with somebody else ... why is she telling YOU she loves you?

Stop telling her that NOW.

Hi Mlawd,

I'm glad you've found divorcebusting....and I'm glad you've been getting some really good advice.

I do not agree with the full 'man up' advice. But...I agree that you need to not let her feel SO sure of you. Change it up. Don't say ILY for awhile. Not never. Not holding a firm boundary that she can't see someone else .... you're not married. It won't work. It depends at what stage she is with him and what stage she is with you. You want a foot in the door. And a foot out....you need some boundaries....not so firm you're going to lose. If you're always one down, you're walked on; if you're always one up, you can't build a relationship.

Your instincts are right... build the relationship slowly. Think about the things that were wrong and how they were created in your relationship...the things you did and the things you said. NOT psychological hangups. You won't get anywhere delving into that.

I am not a fan of counseling...BUT....There would be value in the two of you getting counseling at the point you decided to make it work.....to learn to change your interactions. One of the coaches might even be a good idea, too.

If you wait til she dumps him and chases you, you will not have the right relationship. That isn't terrible advice for a man who is married and his wife is cheating. It isn't always wonderful advice then either. But you're past that now. Be her friend, not a doormat......and very slowly rebuild the romance. Kindness yes. Doormat no.

I'm excited that Sandi is giving you advice. She knows whereof she speaks. She's wise, and her advice will help you win.

Thanks guys, I know what you are saying.....Doing it is kind of hard....Wish I had done it a year ago, but I just said the hell with it.....She is feeling doubt and I know this, but I have a hard time being patient.....I am not going to be a doormat, but I will leave the door open....

As far as the I love yous, that is something that has really come about lately....We always have said it for years....I know we are divorced now, but she has started saying it alot lately.....She has made a few attempts to leave OM in the last few months, but he always comes back....Well i guess it does take two.....

I do love this woman and don't get me wrong, I have done things lately that I am not proud of....I have decided to quit dating for awhile to make sure of my feelings....I am also going to work on fixing me......Not to impress her, but to make myself a better person......Hopefully, we can work things out, but if not, I know I have some things to change

You don't need fixing. You're fine. The ILYs are fine. Just leave them out now and again. Let her worry slightly more than she makes you worry.

Thanks sgctxok.....I will disagree with one thing...I do need fixing....Needed it a long time ago, but I am working on that....It is hard to not say I love you when she does, but I guess I need to keep her thinking.......I would love to think she worries more than I do.....

Sandi, I've been told your advice is helpful.....Please help me with this.....I am struggling and it just might be too late....I need to do everything just right this time as it might be my last chance.....

Hey guys, I just had one of those moments where things kind of come into focus.....Ex just called and was in a huge argument with her dad over some money owed to her for a fund raiser my sons did for the baseball team......His new wife said they did not owe the money and it went downhill from there......

She called me in tears and just wanted to vent.....I listened and when she asked me what I thought, I told her.....Huge 180 for me because I usually made her feel she was not handling things correctly and would always tell her what i would do....It hit me a while ago that she did not really want my opinion, just someone to listen to her....Ding..Light bulb moment...

It also hit me that there were alot of people she could have called, but she called me.....You know we may work things out and we may not, but it was really nice just listening to her and having her thank me for letting her vent....That's what friends do and if anything is ever going to come of this, we will have to be friends first....Something I should have been to her a long time ago.....

Yes, I am pretty sure she will see OM again and it will hurt, but as her friend all i can do is be there when and if she needs me....I hope I can continue to feel this positive about things and not get as down as I have been the last few days....I guess what I am trying to say is the only way to get her back is to have her realize that she left her best friend.....Then and only then can we move foward....

Well, I was almost a WAW and I was in an EA with OM. My H found out and began to smother me and tell me he loved me, etc. The thing was.....I had wanted him to pay attention to me a long time ago. Now, I felt it was too late. My attention was on OM, and for my H to tell me he loved me was.....well...almost sickening. I know guys hate to hear a woman say that, but I'm trying to get you to see how a person's mind will work when you are pushing yourself on them. You see, I knew that my H was saying "ILY" just to try and make me say it back to him. I hated that! I think your W is saying "ILY" to see if you'll say it back to her...and when you do, then she knows she still has you in her hip pocket.

There's a saying around here about S's who get to have OP and keep everything at home, too. It's called eating cake and your W is eating cake...big time. It is up to you to take the cake away.

As a woman, I can tell you that if my H had dropped me like a hot potato and went looking at other chicks.....I would have probably broke my neck to get his attention back on me. Now...you are in a great position where you are. You are not living with her and you can go out anytime you want to and see whoever you want. Trust me, she'll hear about you going out and if she has any fire left in her bones....she'll start to feel the heat!

I know that you still love your W and you aren't interested in seeing any other woman, but just as it's normal to want what we can't have, it's also good to feel a little bit jealous when we think we don't care about a person.....know what I mean?

Making personal changes about yourself is a very important task, but going out and having a life that makes you more interesting and personable REALLY helps! Always look as sharp as a tack and smell good enough to gobble up! Have a big smile and act as if all is great with the world. That helps to set you up for expanding your social circle and also......(here's the good part) others who see you will tell your W how fantastic you looked and how HAPPY you seem to be!

Do you know that some men are afraid of doing that b/c they are scared their W will think he doesn't want to get back with her? Don't be that man. Trust me......it will work sooooo much better than what you are doing now. B/c, frankly, I don't think what you are doing now is going to work at all.

Okay....the next thing is to stop calling her. I thought it was kind of sad how she had you running around like her little erran boy. Here you thought you were being a really nice guy, weren't you? The truth is that you have to stop being a nice guy to her. She will not appreciate your nice ways. My H was the nicest man on earth and I walked all over him, disprespected him, and sure didn't appreciate or desire him. He was always there for my beck & call. If I wanted him to go across town and get me something special to drink.....he would do it regardless of what time of night it was. Isn't that about the same as you're doing?

A woman must respect a man before she can love him. Your W doesn't respect you or she would not be involved with OM. Don't let her fool you just b/c she's saying, "ILY". You want her to desire you and want to spend the rest of her life with you, right? Okay, so you have to make yourself unavailable to her by means of no contact. Don't call, email, TM, voice mail.....nothing! If she calls you, don't pick the phone up....let it go to voice mail. Then, wait for an hour or two (depending on the time and what it's about) before you return her call. Keep it very brief and you be sure that you end the conversation first (that's important). It's important b/c you are so busy with this great life you are finding and you just don't have time to waste. Get the picture? People are usually drawn to a person who has a busy, exciting, interesting, full life.....and she's no exception. She will be more than a little curious to know what has suddenly come along to cause you to be so distracted.

Detachment....that is a word you hear a lot around the boards. You have to act deatched from your W. It is attractive to her. Yes, I know it seems opposite from what it should...but that is how it works.....and you want to do what works....not what you think should work.

Detachment is an attitude, and at first you have to fake it, but as you go out and start to get involved doing hobbies, sports, whatever you like to do.....you will discover that you can finally begin to breathe without thinking about her. Detachment comes easier to some than others, but if you will keep telling yoursel that she needs you to be unavailable & detached in order to be attractive, I bet you can do it!

What about the times you "have" to see her? Well, then you make sure you are looking good and talking upbeat. Never hang around as if you are waiting to see if she has anything to say......you always be in a hurry and have something planned that you are getting ready to do, go to, or whatever.....but you have better things to do than wait around to see if she has any crumbs to throw your way, right?

So make yourself some plans. Get your newspaper out and see what all is going on around town that you can get involved in. This time of year should have all sorts of things. Be sure you are not home on New Year's Eve. I think I remember that you have a son? Be sure that you tell her that you can't keep him that night b/c you have made plans. If you've been keeping him most weekends (don't know what the arrangements are) you need to let her know in a subtle way that you need weekends free sometimes, too! And, if you should happen to be away some night and she calls......well.........

BTW, you don't reveal to her your plans when you tell her that. Even when she tries to pick it out of you about what you're doing and where you're going......just smile and wave. That makes you mysterious, drives her crazy, and makes her want to be No. 1 in your life. The neat thing about this is that you never lie to her, but you don't have to. All you have to do is keep your information short and vague.

There is more to say, but for now I think you have enough to give you something to think on. Just remember....no contact and don't act mad when you see her. She'll think you are mad, but just smile and wave. Stay upbeat.

Oh......no gifts, okay? Not appropriate.

Talk to you later. Please don't make me sorry I typed my fingers to the bone.

Excellent! Sandi