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Well, this is a motivating factor many choose for NC- because it hurts to see the other person. The other being that NC helps to detach. And some hope NC makes the absence grow fonder. So who cares if the reason you don't contact him is what you stated?

Yep.



Yes, this could be a good opportunity to show you are not too independent to accept his help BUT if you want to avoid talking about the house, then this would not be good.

Bills ... Bills ... Bills ....

Aver you know my thoughts...

This proves you're not detached as you're still doing things to make an impact on him. You're just making excuses to see him to show him you've changed--it's still all about making him change his mind. It won't work.

Well, I don't think I really claimed to be detached! Getting better, but not there yet.

But pearl--on all the threads where the WAS is somehow still in the house, or at least seeing the LBS on a regular basis, all the advice is:
Smell great. Buy new clothes. Act mysterious. Fiddle with your blackberry. Laugh at something on your computer screen, then say, "oh, nothing!" if they ask.

These things are done to 1) make the LBS feel better about him/herself and 2) to pique WAS curiosity; make LBS seem interesting, different; 3) give WAS sense that LBS is having a life, moving on, etc.

So I feel frustrated in my sitch where the only contact is the previously agreed upon "we'll review finances once a month"
and I debate whether/how to do it, it is seen as me trying to make him change his mind--not that I don't appreciate your input! I do, I do!
But on other threads, when the LBS has the opportunity to show off the new clothes, etc., it is cheered on.
I KNOW I'm not going to make him change his mind. But how can I be seen "as the better option" "make him realize that I am moving on", etc., if we never see each other?

Pearl, you always advise: "do what works." I'm no longer sure what I want to have work. But I can say that 7 months of very very little contact certainly isn't changing our dynamic any.

I'm changing--getting better and more genuinely upbeat every day.

But for "what works"--if what I want is to reconcile--which I am less sure of every day--NC sure ain't it.

So what's the difference between other LBS wearing their new clothes when they go to pick up the kids or whatever and my sitch?

If I come across as whining here I REALLY apologize. I do appreciate the feedback.

Thanks in advance for any 2x4's or other input.

How do you make him think you have moved on ??????


You move on.


Buy the blouse Aver. Give yourself a treat.

P.S.

I am getting a hair cut for sundays meeting with ladybug. I am not going to dress up for her. But I am going to wear what I know she likes. Jeans and a nice fit sweater. Leave out a pair of new shoes I got so she can see I have changed my style.

And some candles in the bed room

I am moving on, CB. No, I'm not claiming to be healed and healthy and not still thinking thinking about him.

But I am making great progress in building my own life. Thinking about a career change. Doing new things. Buying new blouses! (when not side tracked by wool under garments)

So even if I were 100% moved on--couldn't care less if I never saw the guy again--tell me how he would know that if he never saw me or spoke to me?

I'm glad to hear about your prep for ladybug. And if you are going to wear clothes that you know she likes--and new shoes so she "can see I changed my style" how is that different than me using an opportunity to do the same thing?

I'm glad you are prepared to be both "hot" and "cool." You'll do great.

But be careful with those candles!

Its no different Aver. I see nothing wrong in showing off the goods ( Can a guy show off his goods... well I guess his butt )
Project a new style. Show off the resutls of GAL and 180's

well he would know that your moved on by your actions. You will know that you have moved on when you feel indifference. Just in from a 3 mile run in 24 minutes.

Avermont, when it comes to the blouse and any other way that you present your self, it comes down to either one of these:
"This is the real me"
or
"I'm trying so hard"

Obviously you're going for #1: being your best, authentic self . Only you know how you'll feel in that blouse -- no one else can decide that for you, IMO.

You're in such a different sitch than me with having so little contact. The down side is few opportunities for him to see the positive you that is emerging, but the up side is that you can GAL without constant contact wearing on you, and he gets a chance to actually miss you. I do remember a friend talking about breaking up with her BF, but then occasionally seeing him and hearing about him and thinking to herself: "wow, he's finally being the guy that I want him to be all along". Due to the OM my friend didn't reconcile with her exBF, but she did have some regrets. I could see how in the right situation even occasional contact could lead to positive shifts over time.

Hey flowmom and CB--

Thanks for the hint about "I'm trying so hard." The sort of blouse I was thinking of is completely out of character for me. But I had the craving to find something like it before X contacted me about paying bills. But yes, I don't want to show up in something that looks too drastic.

I do have to be careful about "overdoing it." It's frustrating--all the threads advise looking SOOO great when you meet up--waxed, polished, hair, etc...but here in the Great North where I live, you are dressed up if you are wearing your new Carhartts with your new Sorells! so just a little bit of dressing up goes a looong way.

So, if CB can show off his goods when he has an opportunity to do so, can't I take advantage of a meeting that HE asked for to do the same?

At the moment, I am planning on doing all my taxes without talking with X about it.(dealing with my half of the joint stuff)


But again--that is 'more of the same'--independent and remote.

Sigh.

Good on ya for the 24 minute run, CB! what are you aiming for?

My new running friends have me signed up for a half marathon in April, so I have a goal to concentrate on. Hope the knees can hold up!

Thanks for taking the time to respond, flowmom, when you are in the thick of the worst of it right now.

Aver. if you want that blouse. Then get it... Your a woman. You can go spend 120 dollars and then explain how you saved 60