Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis OW broke up with XH, now what??

Thanks snodderly!

But, how much more rock bottom can a person hit...lost his wife, his kids, his house, his money, his OW (I have a better term for her), he is living with another man in a rental house?? He has no family but us, the friends he has are all just like him, the kids have 3 minute talks on the phone with him and really could careless about him (D10 does, but he still isn't great to her).

I focus on me and my children 95% of the time, especially since we live 700 miles away it is easier to do this. I just have moments where I just wonder about things and why he won't be my friend at least. I wish he would tell me or the kids that they broke up so he could actually hear how I am really going to react. Then, maybe he would see that I am not going to throw it all in his face and he might trust me just a little more.

Is there ever a point where I could tell him I know and just say "I'm still here for you if you need anything". I can't say "I'm sorry that happened" cause I'm not! I really don't want to hear about it and he won't tell me, but just so he can hear what my reaction will be.

I just want a starting point, even if we never get back together, I would like to have a better relationship with him. He has had several moments of clarity, and I think they will come more frequently now that OW is gone. I think he has had many with all that happened in such a short period of time. But, I know he doesn't think I can just let the whole OW thing go. I know if he was back to being the real him, not this alien, then I could. I would bite my toungue off before I threw it all in his face, cause that would do no good at all!

I am just going to stay dark with little to no contact. I just don't know when is the right time to make a small move toward him. He has been in MLC for over 3 years now! Just a few weeks ago he lost the rest of what he had, now everything is gone!

A

He's not at the bottom yet. He's scraping the bottom, but he's got to hit bottom. He still has a place to live and still receives a paycheck. Until everything, I mean everything is gone, only then will he hit bottom and realize it's all gone. He's fighting it and I have to say he's a stubborn one. BTW, he's not going to admit just yet that the ow is out of the picture. Give it time...he'll start to drop hints that she's out of the picture. Right now, he's not sure what you'll say to him about her.

Yes, there will come a time when you can tell him you are there if he should need anything, but it's not now. He is still out there exploring the world and isn't ready to tell "mom" that he's failed. He's got to put the best face on so that you won't say "I told you so". In time, that will change as well.

At this time, you will need to allow him to come to you, contact you. When he contacts you, talk to him as you would a friend. He can still sense in the tone of your voice how you feel and his radar is working quite well and will signal the tension in your voice, etc.

If you ever want a better relationship w/him, not matter what happens, you will need to dig deeper for more patience. It's a very long process and right now, he's mourning the loss of the ow and it's going to be a long time before he sees the light of day. Patience is difficult to practice when they are popping in periodically, but each and every poster will learn that you must have this in order to be "friends" or have a "civil" relationship w/them while they are spiraling.

I think it will just take a while for him to get over the OW. They have to mourn over that Relationship first. It took my H over a year for that to happen to the point he wanted to come back home. He still struggles with losing the OW, even as just a friend because she will walk right by him and not even speak. I will never forget him telling me that whatever happened between them, they would ALWAYS be friends! Not anymore.

Give him time to get his head straight. Like Snodderly said....Dig deeper for more patience. It is a very long process.

Talked to XH last night (he asked to talk to me). He wanted to know, among other things, about the kids spring break. The kids and I are planning a trip to Fla. to look at colleges for D17, I had planned at the right time to invite XH to come with us, but was waiting. I told him our plan and said "I planned to stop in Atlanta anyway, if you would like to come with us you are more than welcome." He said he would like to come and we can work out the details!! I didn't act a bit excited, just normal. I then started talking about my work and he rudely cut me off, but I just said "ok, well I'll let you go, have a good night" He said "ok, send me an email with the details, good night, bye" very nicely.

I didn't mention the XOW, although I so badly last night and in the e-mail this morning wanted to say, "are you sure you will be "allowed" to go with us on spring break" pretending not to know they broke up to see if he would tell me they broke up and that is why he has no issue going. But, I said and wrote nothing!! For which I am very proud!

Now, if I can just be patient, keep my mouth shut, and keep going in this direction, I think things might improve. I am not holding my breath, but working on me in the mean time to learn more and gain more patiences and confidence. I know he is floored that I have made my work so important and a priority in my life, cause I was a stay at home mom for 16 years and he thought I was lazy and would never work full-time.

Any advice? I plan to just lay low and stay pretty dark, let him keep coming to me if he so desires. Anything else?

A

Good for you!!Keep resisting that urge. Bringing up the OW and making comments like that is a big no no.



Nope....your own pretty much sums it up nicely.