Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Mixed Signals or is this Limbo Land

I am doing these things, and getting stronger everyday. Got our best friends coming over tonight to do steaks on the grill (I know its January) and margarita's, will be kids and all like old times minus my wife. They are also mourning her absense and do not understand, it is like she is divorcing them also. So I feel like I am getting my life started back up again and doing normal things. No problem there.

I only ponder the acceptance/approval thing b/c I realized it very early in the sitch and made changes immediately. I guess she is still accustomed to seeking my approval, this is preplexing to me b/c if it were truly the case she would not be doing all the other things, A's, ONS, bad parent etc. It is very much like the rebelious (sp) teenager trying to get attention. I know I should not psychoanalyze what's in her head as others and you have said, it just makes me wonder how a 42 year old woman can revert back to a adolescent????

Appreciate the offer, it is something I am working on this weekend. I am just pulling off files to save and actually one of my neighbors has the same employer as you and is loading new OS. Let me know if you want to grab a coffee or drink this weekend? Hope things go well for you tonight, I know you miss your kids, enjoy!!

I am starting to think Kemper either works for or is Dr. Phil...Nice advice.

MSH, a lot of our M isues sound similar. If I had a nickel for everytime I was called "controlling" we would all be on our way to Honolulu for some big DB party, cheerleaders included.

What is the sccop with FB...I'm interested.

Leaving work I'll hit you on FB later. New York strips and margarita's tonight. A little Jimmy Buffet will be going also. Life is GOOD!!!! You guys enjoy your evening and your weekend.

MHL,

Sounds like you have a great night planned for tonight. Enjoy the time with the friends and kids.

I would say that the majority of WAS on here act like rebellious teenagers based on what the LBS describes. My W is also acting like a rebellious teenager. I turned off text messaging on our cell phones to cut expenses. So what does she do, goes out and gets a new phone with another wireless carrier. "I'll show you for cutting off my text messaging" is what I feel like she is saying. Doesn't bother me because she is going to end up paying for two phones so she is only hurting her financial situation.

How could anyone do half the stuff the WAS does? Most of us will never ever know. I for one at this point am okay with that. Would I like to know, yes, but I am not going to let it eat at me. I know you aren't either but we need to move past the thoughts even entering our minds.

Hopefully he/she is putting Windows 7 on for you because it is awesome. Lets get together this weekend, hit me up on FB. The only plans right now are W is going out tomorrow night and I am attending church at 10:30 on Sunday. Other than those I am open.

It was really good to see the boys tonight when they got home. W retreated to her bedroom pretty much right after they got home. So "worried" about me last night when she couldn't get ahold of me and tonight can't be in the same room. It is almost comical at this point, but also sad.

Dirty pots on the stove, wine glasses stained with the multiple of bottles of wine consumed, dishes piled in the sink, ahhhh, this is me, just w/o her. My friends still love me enough to come over and do what we used to do as a foursome only it is now a threesome. They are also betrayed, cheated and otherwise left devastated, this is what "we" did. Why did she do this? Did we do something? They seemed to be okay, what happened? How could we have made a difference?

Our best friends are experiencing the same loss I am, They are asking themselves the same questions. Why? She was happy I know it, I saw it!!! So many years gone, for what??? It doesn't get any better than this, doesn't she know this, what is wrong with her.

Kemper,
Sorry, the alien is back in the house. You like me had a glimer of hope, you heard your wife through the phone and now the alien is back. Yes, lets get together, I will text in the morning, planning on getting in a run and a workout but open after that and all I need to do is get stuff together for atty. yeah!!!!

Just Journaling Here,
My W came over today about 10:30 to pick up S9 to spend some time with him today, he wasn't dressed yet so we talked while he got ready. She saw the empty bottles of wine beside the trash can so we talked about wine for a bit and then S9 came down and they left. Her body language was more closed and reserved but she was in a good mood. I do not want to be her friend while she is doing what she is doing, but at the same time I don't want to be mean nor do I want to be too nice. It seems to be a fine line. Probably need to minimize the contact a little more.

I would suggest you just try to be yourself, unless you are always over friendly. I struggled with this "fine line" as well but if the W's do not like who we are, then their loss, right?

My W used to tell me when ever I talked, and I can talk a lot. She knew I was happy when I was talking, if I wan't talking to her she knew I was upset about something or something was wrong. She often assumed it was her that I had the problem with and the crazy cycle would begin. I just wonder and suspect that very thing I was doing, talking and not listening to her was actually smoothering her but at least she knew I was happy???

Not bashing myself here but with respect to my current sitch and being overly nice, do I go back to talking a lot, not really listening to her or do I try to do as I have done in the last 3-4 weeks and pay close attention to her, look her in eyes, smile, validate, meet one of her needs (as DW pointed out in his thread). I think that I am finding that the fine line is closer to the way I used to be until she becomes interested again. I am thinking that I will communicate that I am happy w/o her and will go on, but be nice while at it???? Not sure.

Today, we had discussed but never confirmed that my S9 was going to spend some time with her today after church. She would normally meet us in the parking lot after. I never spoke with her yesterday after 2pm and she never said anything to S9 about today, so after church we left, she was not in the parking lot. Halfway home, I get a call from her,

W "where are you"
Me "halfway home"
W "I thought S9 was going to spend time with me today"
Me "S9 did not want to today, wants to play with friends and I never heard from you to confirm" (I was expecting Anger from her)
W "I guess I should not have bought PS3 game"
Me "yeah S9 played all day yesterday" (I was surprised, no anger)
Wife speaks to S9 and he explains what he wants to do and hands phone back to me.
W "We are still good for Tues and Thurs this week?"
Me "yes"
W "Okay then...pause...."
ME ".......pause..... okay talk to you later, bye"
W "......Bye"

It didn't feel right, I did not feel I was friendly with her, so does that mean I did the "right DB thing"???

Another long post, see I do talk a lot and I am happier!!!

Alright, this may be a positive and I try to find them when and where I can. This is the second weekend in the last 4 weekends that my W came to our church. Me and kids go to first service and she has been going to second service with her IC, yes her IC goes to our church and I actually saw her IC today outside my son's Sunday School class. Does W coming back to our church mean anything or is she just getting comfortable with her sin. Who knows?? I am going to write it down and watch what happens next week, not going to tell the kids.

None of this feels right, that's why I suppose its called doing a 180.

I think the conversation and the way you managed it was text book DB.

The "meeting her needs" question is really tricky. How can you meet her needs when the appoach is tough love, which basically means your not attempting to meet any of her needs. I think the idea behind the approach is to give your W the opportunity to miss those needs you have been providing. Once she determines you are the only that can do that, she will initiate and pursue. You then have to work you can off to make sure that comes to fruition. Just a thought.

Remember you are demanding respect and are demonstrating to her that you are not going to put with her bad behaviors. None of us are there with you to pick-up on vibes, we do not know your wife, and we are not aware of the history between you two. I think the tough love approach is pretty solid but it it feels really wrong of if you think she is starting to soften, then maybe you should re-evaluate things.

Just another thought, if she was still is the same house, like in Kempers sitch, I would do the tough love thing but also really focus on finding out what need(s) are not being satisified. Then maybe pick one, like conversation or something, and see where that leads. (You still need to keep your distance and not pursue...talk about a fine line) In our case, I think we are past that point until they figure things out, one way or the other. Kemp..hint...hint!