Today is not the day I quit. I might quit tomorrow, but not today, and lets see what tomorrow brings.
Repeat that every day.
PS -
This is one the hardest things in the world to do. We are not masochists who want you to suffer for no good reason. I am not sitting here giggling because you didn't quit, like some evil bastard demon.
This is for you Bradley. Grow, and your next relationship is going to be the tits man.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Oh Dr Bradley .... I think we are sent the lessons we are ready to learn when we are ready to learn them.
I dated a Dr recently. Gorgeous, bright young Snr ER Consultant. He'd been divorced for 2 years and was slumming it down here doing his bit for 4th world Development in Aus as part of his recovery from the divorce.
We dated for about 3 months. At first I thought we had a lot in common, divorce, rebuilding ourselves by contributing to the broader world, we were equals with strong professional alliances, we were interested in lots of the same stuff ... it was good. However as I got to know him I realised he may have been through a divorce, but he hadn't learned a golly thing.
Perhaps my standards are high after hanging around her for a few years, but I'm grateful they are because what I was able to notice about my Dr friend was that he hadn't learned to reflect on what he brought to a relationship and how to contribute to a relationship as a man and as a partner. He was pretty happy to get by on the perception of what he was (a Dr), rather than who he was (an emotionally immature man-child with no awareness that life could be more fulfilling if he had the capacity and patience to learn the skills we learn here).
Interestingly when I ended it he told me I was doing the same thing to him his wife had done. Funny that. If you keep doing what you've always done, you keep getting what you've always got.
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I just can't spend another 6 months in limbo-- alone, without my kids, in a wierd place, with essentially nothing to do.
Well - if that's how you perceive your experience, that's what it will be. Perhaps you could shake it up a bit and get something to do, organise to spend time with your kids and mix with friends and family. Companionship comes in all shapes and sizes and doesn't necessarily have to be a male/female sexual relationship.
There are lots of ways to think about the experience you are going through now. You'll make it easier on yourself if you treat it like a Year-long course (or semester long course if you want to break it into manageable chuncks).
You are quite right - you could end your relationship and get a new partner ... just make sure you've learned all the lessons you need to out of this experience first ... because if you don't you'll be back here in 5, 10, 15 years going through exactly the same thing.
Cheers, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
And as for companionship--- I don't even really mean necessarily a woman, though that would be nice...
I just have like... nobody to talk to these days in real person-- but that is a lot my own fault. I need to start thinking creatively about how I can branch out...
I always wanted to have a model airplane... gonna look into that. what a nerd, right?
but you are probably right. I need to go through this and really make the changes I need to make, rather than give just lip service to it as cat once said.
I may be needing some serious coaching from you guys this weekend.
wife and I were going to "talk" to figure out what we were gonna do (obviously this stemmed from my "got to move on with my life" line). I tried to get off the phone earlier in the day (you know, end convo first)... then she texted to say "sorry, you seemed like you didn't want to talk" then called me back-- like a gator pulled me down under the water to roll around some R talk...which led to my finally admitting I didn't understand where she went today when she called me, then said call back, then I did... and didn't hear from her for 2 hours...
then she skyped me twice (hadn't in months) to "see my face"... said she loved me. was crying. had some really good lies today by the way...that is what I'm having a hard time with... the lies.
BTW-- anyone else think this ISNT MLC by now?
I was doing really well for a while there though, trying to stay detatched, trying not to get into R talk, but she is so good at getting me to do it... when I don't want to talk-- all of a sudden she wants to talk.
anyhow, I will be looking for advice as to what I should say in the big sit down... or should I just defuse it before hand and say (she mentioned she was coming out of her cocoon soon) that I will wait for her to come out of her cocoon? something like that?
Bradley, At my book club a few nights ago, we gals were talking about divorce. My friend who is a nephrologist(married to an oncologist) was telling me about the high divorce rate among doctors(oftentimes due to the long time commitments / residencies..etc), but the divorce rate is highest in surgeons. In her residency experience, the surgical residents were on-call at all hours and one can only imagine the havoc that would have on a new marriage or relationship. Most of the surgeons she knew had been divorced at least once...
So it begs the question Virginia is asking...what are you going to learn from this, what are you going to change to make sure this or the next relationship you have survives?
Its easy for all of us to look at our MLC spouse as the cause of our unhappiness, the chaos , the detrimental effects on our families...but we all need to look inward as well and know what we brought to this dysfunctional table, so-to-speak. And Fix it!
Work on YOU. Focus on You and the boys. If the contact with your wife is making you crazy, then limit it as best you can without making her feel abandoned.. Not everything coming out of her mouth is a lie. You remember how your marriage was in the 'good times' and how your wife was before the MLC mothership came for her...thats who she is, thats who you need to hold close to your heart right now.
As far as is it MLC or not...some say it really doesn't matter. Some say labeling the behavior as MLC is just a way to rationalize standing for the marriage when other people would cut and run.
Its a fascinating journey-MLC. It definitely is something unique, and way understudied...I think, if your wife spouts from the script, and her behavior matches alot of MLCers...then maybe its MLC. Would it matter if it weren't? Are there limits to what you'll do to save/keep this marriage?
Don't take the lies personally, by the way, some of it is the truth, some of it is wishful thinking, some of it is to protect their vision of themselves or their world...its NOT about you.
My own two cents: Even when I would have quit standing for my marriage(reached what I thought was my limit), I wanted the marriage to survive for my girls. I know there are many well-adjusted kids of divorce out there, just don't think many kids have divorced parents without a few scars... Being from a bitterly divorced family, I still carry scars to this day from my parents' divorce. I really didn't get to spend much time with my father until right before he died. My mother became emotionally absent during my teen years. I've never been close to her since. Lots of regrets.
As hard as my marriage became when my H was spewing in the anger phase, the effects of this pending divorce will be much more long-lasting...acute pain vs. chronic pain..I pick acute. Pain more for me vs. pain for my girls. I pick for me.
For the weekend: Put everything you've earned here the last few weeks into practice!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I'm going to go to dinner at one of the surgical tech's houses tonight-- she is probably in her mid 50's and lives with her aunt and uncle... if only to try and just be with some people.
there is absolutely nothing romantic-- don't worry anyone.
I figured I need to start figuring out a way to be with people. For the last 6 months I come in, usually there isn't much do to so I go home, maybe walk my dog, then go chip...repeat every 24 hours.
skyped with w and boys last night and it was just so hard to see them. I love them all so much. why I am not with them, why we are not a family... it just does not make any sense.
so that's my plan. try do to things with other people a bit... just to have some interaction.
and maybe look at model airplanes today.
did two operations this morning. I was actually worried, given my mental state, lack of sleep, everything, that I wouldn't be ok... but I was. cases went fine.
btw Virginia. If you met me you'd know that I am not a typical surgeon-- I do not have a big ego, I do not tie my ego to doing this.
A while back (months ago) I told my wife I'd be happy pumping gas if it meant that I could be with her and the boys... and I meant that. Obviously that is not something that is productive for her to hear, especially when she spent the last 9 years supporting me.
That's great that you have dinner plans tonight. It is so important while you are going through this to get out there and get out of your normal routine/rut, especially if it involves sitting at home or being by yourself all the time.
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aaaah. I cannot believe this is my life.
I can say we have ALL been there/are still there! I have been at this for awhile now (almost a year post bomb) and I still have that running through my head daily. The changes I have made for myself are good, this is what I needed to kick me in the butt to do some of these things (and keep going with changes all the time), but it is hard to remind myself that it is what it is, and to try to make the best of it.
