Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Is H fence sitting/cake eating

libby,
Some of them will take the OP to the same exact places that you've been w/him. In some ways, he's gone back to revisit those places w/someone new. He's still trying to figure out what is real in his fantasy. It's not done to spite you or destroy the memories that you had, but it's a place where he was happy and he's trying to share it w/the OP to see if the "happy" he found there will still be there in his heart. He's going to find out that the memories that you two created will most likely enter his sleep and remind him that it is a happy memory that he shared w/you and you cannot be replaced nor the memories that you two created will not be erased.

Thank you Snodderly for this insight.

I didn't understand why he was going back to these places but now see it is part of H travelling through the tunnel to find reality.

Interestingly his cycling near home intensified after his holiday in December. His relationship with the children has now become slightly less fraught than before as he spends more time with them, for which I am grateful.

well Libs, H took the ow to where we honeymooned, then took her to vegas (where we had been) and then took her the tradeshow where we had a booth for over 10 yrs (i stayed home) same hotel, suite with adjoining rooms for our staff so they got a birds eye view of the whole affaire....so there must be something to what Snodderly said.

H continues to increase his time spent with the children. This week he will spend 3 days here during the week. Tonight he is here for supper. He has just gone to take our D19 to my parents house and then pick up S16.

I think he seems slightly more distant today than he has been over the past 3 weeks.I can feel an edge to him that hasn't been there recently.

Maybe he is getting ready to retreat to his tunnel again.

I still worry that he is able to come home and spend time with the children and me but returns to his own abode where OW joins him at the weekend.

OW is still in the background telling when he can see the children and when he can't which he appears to accept.Like all OW she also spends his money well.

I continue not to pursue him and validate his comments though I have to work hard on that as I forget and if I 'm not careful slip in to old self again!

Currently his memory is terrible and we have the same conversations over and over again. Still if I get it wrong the first time I do a better job the second!

Your H sounds as though he's par for the course, and still has a long way to go. I well remember all those repeated conversations while H was at his fuzziest--don't spend too long on them, since you know most of it won't stick. Don't be afraid to be the one to end the conversations (which gives you a sense of control).

Congratulations on not pursuing, and in sticking to being your new, better self! Really take the time to FEEL what it's like to be that new person, and to be proud the positive changes you are making. Despite all the pain and confusion a MLC throws us into, it's very empowering to feel that we emerge stronger, clearer, more compassionate, with the traits that we didn't admire about ourselves chipped away.

One thing that really confuses me about H. He chats to me about the children and work mostly not his life or mine. He doesn't ask and neither do I. I know he is depressed though he hides it very well but occasionally I get glimpses of it i.e floating off to the mother ship, can't rest and very sad eyes.

But to outsiders it would appear that we are together as a couple. Most of the time he is pleasant and kind helping out around the house and with the kids. Most of the time he is relaxed with me although he admits that he has palpatations and anxiety when he comes home. It is so difficult to believe that he is stuck in his tunnel with OW and I have to try to pull back as I might lose my pateince with the journey.

He chats to you about neutral topics because he's overwhelmed by his own depression, and so couldn't bear to hear about your problems (which would include tackling his guilt about the hurt he has caused you). That's why you need to show him how strong and happy you are at the moment, so he can come to trust you again.

The restlessness and miserable eyes are indeed indicators of his misery. He probably looks as though he's aged, as well. Others who don't know our spouses don't really see that as clearly as we do, however.

I know it's hard to believe that sometimes they can act like their old selves, and yet they're involved with someone else, etc etc. I sometimes have flashbacks to some of the things my H said when he was obsessing about his OW, and am amazed he could have been in such a different headspace than the sweet, loving person he has once again become. Depression truly does change their brain chemistry--and think how confusing that is for your H, that he doesn't know why he's behaving/thinking/reacting certain ways.

You say that your H is "stuck in his tunnel with OW," but I think it might be more helpful to reframe that. Yes, he is stuck in his tunnel (or moving so slowly it's almost impossible to see the progress), but she's not actually in there with him. (Though she may well have depression issues of her own whose negative energy attracted H because it "matched" his.) He is actually too depressed to really SEE her: she is just a projection of what he wants/needs her to be right now. Chances are that if his depression lifts, he will see her for what she really is and also see you more clearly again. And with all the positive changes you are continuing to make, who will look more positive then?

Cyrena

Thanks for your insight into where H is at the moment. It is always good to get more understanding about his mindset.

Thanks for your reassurance about OW. One of the things H said when he left and I asked him why her? He said we are very alike! Probably hit the nail on the head as she has just been seperated from her H.

Will continue on my path to finding myself again.

Any advice with this issue will be gratefully received.

H as you know has been increasing his contact with the children since christmas. This appeared to be going well for the 3 of them and H appeared ok at home.

However S13 is really struggling with these increased visits. He gets upset when his dad leaves, stressed out when he's here as he wants everything to be great so as not to push H away and he says that it's like being a normal family when H is here thats why he is sad when he goes. S13 is also getting increased tummy aches, lack patience and his homework is starting to slip.

I am going to try and get S13 someone to talk to about his worries and anxietys. I am also considering asking H to not visit the children for 3 weeks to give S13 some breathing space. They will still communicate via text. All the children have agreed to this in the short term to help their brother.

When I explain this to H I don't want it to get to emotional or make it a blame conversation as he is trying to deal with his wn issues.

What is the best way to approach the conversation and will this plan be detrimental to the stronger relatinship H is rebuilding with the children?

Just my opinion and I only read your lastest post

I would not ask to stop visits, maybe just chnage the activities
or set specifice days/times
Maybe you could be there less and H can just be with kids so it wont feel so family like..
If son 13 is anxious about being a normal family
can son 13 have alone time with dad on the outside and can dad take kids out somewhere so children will get used to the transition
counsleing is an excellent idea
I always tried to talk /listen and explain things to my kids -now 14 and 8
always let them see you are strong and capable of this transition
that dad has some thinking and figuring out to do and sometimes this happens in life ect..
good luck
peace