Hi di- This is a process to recover from. We can try to find explainations for their behavior but it is impossible for us to understand. I always used to say about my first H that you can't make the irrational rational. I never thought that would apply to my current H but now it does. We can't explain it and we certainly can't change it so we just have to let it go as best we can. I feel sorry for your kids having to witness your H's bizarre behavior. I can't imagine what they think.
I think not knowing if this new personality is who they have become it one of the hardest parts of this. If we only knew that this was temporary, it would be so much easier.
I can see so clearly that what my H is going through is all about his issues. Sure our M wasn't perfect but it wasn't bad either. And now with my H's almost return, it more obvious that this is about him. My H and I get along well, he admits he loves me, says he wants to be with me but he still makes excuses as to why he doesn't want to return to the M. Like snodderly said, if the real issue was something you did, he should have come to you about it a long time before he wanted to leave the M. His MLC was not caused by you so don't blame yourself.
The intelligent, rational, sane, part of myself knows this is on him, but part of me ---- the irrational, emotional part of me still thinks that there is something about me keeping him from wanting to come back. Maybe the many months of me begging and pleading via e-mail and face to face confrontation? Maybe some inherent flaw in my character?? Every bit of this----all of his actions and what he has said and done is a complete 360 degree opposite of who I know he is---who I beleived he was.
I don't let these thoughts weigh me down. In the beginning I did, but they are there----gently knawing at my subconscious. I think this is what's keeping me stuck. It helps fuel the anger----both at him and myself. So, (Grace) I guess I am angry with myself.
Snodderly, Up -- thank you so much for your thoughts. As you know, nothing helps more than support from people who are there/have been there.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
My H once told me (in the beginning of this - when he chose to offer something) that we had a C average marriage and he was tired of working at it when he didn't think we could ever do better than a C. I know that's a cop out, but it's one of those things on my mind today as to why.....how do I understand.
He has offered me kindness on some occasions, occasionally I think he still cares for me---but he very obviously wants to only treat me like an acquaintance, or business associate that he must deal with because we share 3 kids. He has only discussed ending our marriage via e-mail. When he does e-mail he says he is DONE, and "he just does not want to work on our marriage." Why can I not accept this??? Most of the time his behaviour is just bizarre and just not him. I am doing my best to let him go, and it is easy when I see how he acts now---because this is not who I would want to be with-----but I still remember who he was. I still remember what we had, and boy do I know it wasn't perfect----C average may be accurate. But with a C average, you have some A and B times mixed in with some D's (maybe a rare F). My memories are of the A/B times. It is my memories that keep me from making sense of this. It is my memories that make this seem so wrong.
I like the quote about accepting, but not understanding. I am getting closer to accepting, but it is so unfair that I don't get to understand why this has happened.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Yeah. I know. Silly. Just that a "C" average doesn't equal failing to me................or now failed. Just on my mind today as I review semester grades for my kids.....and continue to let my mind wander to memories.
I got my hair cut and colored tonight. I like it. My stylist (not a talker) said "I hope your husband likes it." I said, it doesn't matter....we've been separated for a year and a half.....she apologized. I told her it was ok. I haven't quite placed her accent-----but we do have a bit of a language barrier. It's not ok, but that's where I am. Still hard to imagine.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Your H depression is doing most of the talking. You can't understand his depression because it makes no "sense".
As far as the average is concerned if both of you rate the marriage as a "c" what is there that you can change about yourself to improve the average. You can't change his perception but you can change your side of the average.
OP - Thank you for your thoughts. I think I have made a lot of changes over the past 2 years. Most of them happened naturally following a lot of soul searching and new "insight" into who I am. I know I have more work to do on me, because I do not want to feel so stuck, frustrated and confused by not being able to understand the situation I am in. I think it is these feelings that fuel my anger at times. I think when I can get past that there will be more changes in me. I have taken some major steps in my life, I have made some changes, and I think they are positive. Given another chance, I think there would be a lot more A/B grades to our marriage. However, at this point, I don't think I will get that second chance.
I think the majority of the problems with our marriage resulted from communication problems----which have only bottomed out at this point.
I will continue to work on me, for me and my kids. I do believe that some day H will realize that he screwed up the best thing he had going for him in his life, the question that remains is when will that happen.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Di....I know what you mean about them treating you like a business assoc....when my H sent me his idea of a mediation request is was a business like letter....I was in total shock...there was no emotion in that letter...& he had told me one time before....as he looked me straight in the eye.."Do you think I'm kidding"....then I knew he was done with me...
I guess the thing i get really sad about on some days is their lack of compassion...for everyone....I don't expect anything anymore...he is so far gone I don't think mine will ever resurface...I'm moving forward without him....
I looked in the mirror the other day and something hit me...I know I really didn't appreciate my H and what he did enough...Men really need that emotional support...everyone always thinks men don't have hearts but the truth is they love the attention...I didnt do enough of that...Oh, I loved him...took care of him....put him on that pedastol but really they want to hear it....at least that's what I think....
Funny how they are all the same....with their head up their azzzz****....
Last edited by Treese; 01/13/1004:25 PM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Everyone has a perception in their own mind, of the kind of person they believe themselves to be. No one wants to believe, or be told, that the self-image they have is not correct. This is when rationalizing starts to take precedence over truth. Example: Have you ever received more change back than you were owed from a store clerk? What is the right thing to do in that situation? Advise the clerk of the mistake and refund the incorrect change right? Keeping the money instead, is actually dishonest, and akin to thievery. However, many of us (myself included) start using rationalization to not return the money. I've been overcharged before, so this balances it out.The amount of money is negligible, and the store won't miss it as much as I will. I shop here so often, this store owes me for my patronage etc. People who perceive themselves as honest and upright, use this type of rationalizing to justify their actions, and not damage their self image. They truly convince themselves, that what they have done is acceptable even though, they know that stealing is wrong. Now I know, that my example doesn't even come close to comparing with the choices our MLCer's make. It wasn't intended to. Its the theory that is important here, to understand how an MLCer can do all the things they do, and seem so oblivious to the pain and hurt it causes those of us left behind.
This is how your H can give your M a C. Don't listen to him. He has done a re-write to justify he bad behavior. Try to let it go.
di-You should be very proud of yourself. You have come a very long way from where you were. You really have started accepted things for what they are. That doesn't it mean the pain goes away or that you understand. Unfortunately, there may always be some of that. You now know you can't change your H's mind and you have to let him go to figure things out...that is a huge step from where you were not that long ago.
