Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Looking for some more help.

The last resort technique is exactly that -- you use it when you think you the relationship is over and you have nothing left to lose. It's called the LRT because it may not work if things have degenerated too far.

The important part is to project an air of calm, positive confidence. You want to be someone that is attractive to be around. And pulling back from her is a good way to cultivate interest on her part.

If anyone could give me any quick advice I would be very appreciative.

Wife wants to meet for lunch today so we can talk. No fighting. That is what the txt msg said. "We need to talk about whats been going on and all. No fighting." I'm afraid she is going to say she wants the divorce. What should I say? I want to tell her what I feel for her from my side, ask her to listen, then let her tell me what she feels and I will listen too. If she says she wants the divorce I guess I am not going to fight her, just continue DB'ing. Any advice would help!

Thanks!

Do not bring up the R. Let her do it. When she discusses the problems she sees, validate her feelings without necessarily agreeing with her conclusions.

If she attempts to read your mind ("I know you aren't likely to change"), gently point out that she can't read your mind and that you know your feelings on the issue.

Do not attempt to tell her how much she means to you, how you can't live without her, etc. This will not work, because it will make you look clingy and desperate and unattractive, and will push her away.

If she asks for a D, tell her that you are willing to work on the R if she is; but if she wants to file, you won't stand in her way.

Read Divorce Remedy. Time is your friend; the longer you can draw out the march towards a D, the more time you have to make changes in yourself.

You have it reversed. Let HER talk; commit to nothing; listen. Then tell you how you feel, perhaps something along the lines of "Well, I'm really sorry you feel that way" or "I understand that you feel that way," followed by "but I still don't want a divorce. I won't stop you if that's what you want, but don't expect me to facilitate it, either -- this is your deal."

ASK nothing; EXPECT nothing.

Puppy

Thanks guys. Another quick question I have...toward the beginning of this I lost my cell phone. Well we had joint accounts and I wanted to see if someone was using it (was it stolen) so I asked her for the password to the cell phone website. Said she didn't have it. She was the account manager so I told her I put lost password and it should send it to her phone. Said it didn't come. So she came over and I did it again, got into the account and seen that she had been txting an old highschool boyfriend. A lot. Confronted her and she said she just needed a friend to talk to and wanted to make peace with him (they had a bad breakup). After that she got the phones separated because she wanted "to pay her own bills." Yet that is the only bill she got separated. I brought this up several times and she gets mad about it, telling me I don't trust her. So I have not said anything about it in a long time. Now she always calls me and if I call her she will answer, so I don't think she is seeing this guy. I think maybe an EA. Today I was going to tell her I want to know the full truth from her (because I do) and ask her to see her cell phone. If she will let me look through the txts on it then she has nothing to hide. Should I do this or not? I really don't think she is cheating but then again everyone says that.

My advice is not to just use a stock phrase, "I understand," or "Sorry you feel that way", but to really listen and really try to understand. Then mean it when you say it.

Also, from the start, you would do well to establish the groundrule of not criticizing the other person. My H and I had a meeting like that when we were having trouble and ended up creating an ugly scene at a restaurant when it turned into him just listing all the stuff he hated about me. It is better to go with I feel whatever, such as "I feel alone with all the responsibility" instead of "You never help".

Thanks Lotus. We are going to a restaurant and I definitely do not want to create a scene or embarrass my wife.

Anyone have any advice about bringing up my suspicions? I don't want to if I shouldn't, I just feel we can't be honest about any of this unless everything is out in the open.

If you don't have concrete proof, there's no point in bringing it up. She will deny everything; the less prepared you are for the confrontation, the worse off you will be.

Just got back from going out with my wife. We went to Red Lobster. Kinda wasted some expensive food because I didn't really feel much like eating. We talked. About the past, what went wrong. She told me what she wanted. She wants a divorce. Says we got married too young, there were a ton of things she didn't do. I said I understood. Said that so many people have let her down in her life, she is tired of doing what everyone else wants. She had a really rough childhood, dad died when she was very young and mom was on drugs pretty bad. She still has to support her mom. She said she just needs to do some things for herself and she can't do this right now. Said she wants me to keep the house and everything in it. She only wants her clothes and personal affects. She thinks we could never have a fresh start if we try to work on the marriage, that maybe something can happen in the future and that is why she wants me to keep the house. She doesn't want this to get ugly and I can tell she still really cares about me.

I was not going to go into any of my feelings, but she kept prodding so since she wanted to know I told her. I told her I want our marriage to work. I want to work on it. I told her I needed to go to an IC and she said maybe she does too. I told her I believed she was the most beautiful woman ever, and she started to cry. Said I never told her that while we were together, which I know I did, but it probably has been a very long time. We had a good cry together, I went to drop her off and she said she is not 100% sure of this either. She said she knows of people that were worse off than us and got back together. I think she is just very very confused right now. I did tell her I can't force her to feel anything or change her mind, and I will not try anymore. I meant it. I am going to let her proceed with what she feels she needs to do, DB my butt off, and put it in God's hands. What else can I do? Anyone else get anything out of this that maybe I'm missing?